Seinfeld · Season 1
How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.
I know about the cups.
You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.
I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.
I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!
Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.
[George is meeting with the hospital administrator after a patient jumped from the roof and landed on George’s car]
Mr. Costanza, come in, come in. It’s been a very trying couple of days around the hospital. Doctors, patients, everyone just grief stricken over this unfortunate occurrence.
Well, I join them in their grief.
Horrible thing. Flew right past the children’s wing. All the sick children in the playroom looking out the window, just traumatized by the incident. Apparently, they thought he was flying. You know how children are. “Oh, look, a man is flying! A man is flying!” and then…splat.
That’s where I come in, on “splat”. You see Mrs. Sweedler, or is it Hospital Administrator Sweedler?
Mrs. Sweedler.
Mrs. Sweedler. Thank you very much. You see, this tragedy has affected me in a very…very personal way.
How is that?
Yes, well, you see…the deceased…landed on my car. The “splat”, as it were, actually occurred on the roof of my car. Now, of course I can’t help but feel that had it been a convertible, this whole tragedy might have been averted. But I’ve never been the kind of guy to buy a convertible what with the baldness and everything.
Well, I have known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat.
Yes, but then everything’s all pulled down and-- Ah, anyway. The damage, unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile rendering it virtually undrivable.
[Flatly] Yes. Well that is a shame.
Yes! A shame. That is exactly how I would put it. Now, Mrs. Sweedler, with all due discretion and sensitivity, and taking in the whole scope of the situation, I just can’t help but think that…the hospital is somehow responsible for compensating the other still living victim of this horrendous, horrendous tragedy.
Mr. Costaza,
Yes?
A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise,
Yes.
And you greedily, callously, want to profit from it?
Well, “profit”? I--I think you’ll see from the estimate that I’m not really profiting that much. [Takes the estimate from the insurance company out of his pocket to show Mrs. Sweedler] It might be a little high, but--
Get out. Get out now. Get out of my office!
[George gets up to leave but turns back to leave the paper on Mrs. Sweedler’s desk]
Should I just leave this---?
Get out!
[Gwen is breaking up with George]
It's not you, it's me.
[appalled] You're giving me the "It's Not You, It's Me" routine? I invented "It's Not You, It's Me"! No one tells me it's them, not me! If it's anybody, it's me!
[embarrassed] Alright, alright... George, it's you.
You're damn right, it's me!
Jerry, do me a favor. Next time you see that lineswoman, ask her how ball boys get that job. I'd love to do that.
I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity- It's ball boys, not ball men. There are no ball men.
I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Hmm. Really? Nothing?
Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.
Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
No, not really.
How so?
May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?
[to Jerry] Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat f*ck.
I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.
Hmm, not bad.
What's the worst thing that can happen?
Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with you tail between your legs.
Yeah, so?
So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the best movie I've ever seen.
Ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me one person who's got hand like scissors!
Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.
Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? What are you going to do on the toilet?
I'd like to have shoehorn hands.
[about Jodi] Jerry...this woman hates me so much...I'm starting to like her.
What?
She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistible.
I can see that.
I wanna know what I did to this woman.
What, you got a little thing for her?
No, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other.
What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you?
Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!
But you can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what are you, a...
What?
A uh, person that uh...
A person that what?
Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied and they wish they had, had...
And?
Never give, given it to the person that they originally gave it to,
You mean like an Indian giver?
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term.
Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a tollbooth?
I'm going upstairs.
This stack should be bigger.
Where's the TV Guide?
What TV Guide?
I'm missing TV Guide ... Volume 41, number 31.
Elaine took it to read on the subway.
Elaine took it? -I didn't know she took it.
Well, it's two weeks old.
How could you let her take the TV Guide?!
He collects them.
You collect TV Guide?
The nerve of that woman.
Walking into my house, stealing my collectibles!
[screaming] Oh my God! [she enters holding a small packet] This was in our bed.
[taking the packet] What is this? [accusingly to George] A prophylactic wrapper?!
What is this doing on my bed?!
I don't know, uh...
I'll see you later. [leaves with unseemly haste]
You were having sex on our bed?!
Yes!
Who told you you could have sex in our bed?
[pleading] Well, my bed is too small.
Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into, into Bourbon Street!
Where am I going to sleep?
What are you talking about?
I can't sleep in there!
Of course you can.
I can't! [screams] I can't!
That's it! You're grounded!
[incredulously] You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.
You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. YOU'RE GROUNDED!!!
Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
I like the hats.
By Christmas Day, I will be Brother Costanza.
And what does Brother Costanza plan on telling Mother Costanza?
Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Seinfeld pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
