Seinfeld · Season 1
Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain. It's her! I'm telling you it's her.
Oh, you're crazy.
Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
It's impossible.
Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
It can't be.
Can't it? Or is your entire world crashing down all around you?
Alright, alright. That’s enough.
Yeaaahhh.
He's a male bimbo... He's a mimbo!
See, the key to eating a black-and-white cookie, Elaine... is you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow, racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie... all our problems would be solved.
Uh, I don't feel so good.
What's wrong?
My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.
The black and white?
Yeah.
Not getting along?
It's like I've got David Duke and Farrakhan down there!
Well, if we can't look to the cookie, where can we look?
Oh, my stomach! I feel like I'm gonna throw up!
Wait. What about your vomit streak?
I know! I haven't thrown up since June 29, 1980!
[using the ATM at the same time as the person next to him]
"Cash advance"? Yes... no. "Balance inquiry"? No. "Receipt"? No. Processing... processing... processing. [to the person next to him] I win!
[George and his girlfriend Diane are walking along the beach]
[Referring to him being a marine biologist] Your parents must be so proud of you, George.
Oh, they're busting.
[They come across a group of people looking out into the ocean]
What are those people doing over there? [As they approach the group] What's going on over here?
There's a beached whale, she's dying.
Is anyone here a marine biologist?
[Everyone begins shouting for George to help]
Save the whale, George. For me.
[George drops his hat, coat, shoes and socks and walks into the ocean]
[Recounting the story to Jerry and Kramer at the coffee shop] So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you, boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on! And as I made my way passed the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I'm telling you, Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist.
[Enters the coffee shop and sits next to George] George, I'd just been reading this thing in the paper, it's unbelievable!
I know, I was just telling the story.
Well come on, George, finish the story.
The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Mammal.
Whatever.
Well, what did you do next?
Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
A hole in one, huh?
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
Is that the time? I gotta get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.
Hey, is that Elaine mannequin still there?
Yeah.
Yeah?
The last time I saw her... she was naked.
Yeah, And Poppie's got problems.
How do you stop a kid from growing?
I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
C'mon, how was your date?
Oh, the date...the date.
Yeah, how was it?
Interesting.
Really?
Oh yeah.
Why? What happened?
Let's see...how shall I put this?
Well, just put it.
...He took it out.
[pause] He what?
He took [cleans her glasses] it out.
He took what out?
It.
He took it out?
Yes sireebob.
He couldn't.
He did.
Well, were you involved in some sort of amorous...
Nooo.
You mean he just...
Yes.
Are you sure?
Oh, quite.
There was no mistaking it?
Jerry.
So you were talking, you're having pleasant conversation...and then all of a sudden...
Yeah.
It.
It.
Out.
Out.
Well, I can't believe this. I know Phil. He's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?
Oh it be.
Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe, go all the way down to the other end, come all the way back?
Did you ever hear about holding it in?
Oh no. No, that's very bad for the kidneys.
How do you know?
[scoffs] Medical journals.
Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?
A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?
Yeah, it's a social thing.
What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that, a valentine?
She lives with her parents.
Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on.
I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox.
But there are no stamps on these.
Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course.
Why are you doing this?
He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.
Why?
Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.
I know they're your parents Jerry, and they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a 35-year-old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean, don't you find that abnormal?
It is a tad askew.
I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?
I've hardly been out to dinner with them.
See, see, I can't even say anything, you know, because all he's really doing is being nice. But nobody is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.
You're right. He's insane.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Seinfeld pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
