Seinfeld · Season 1
Boy, do you smell something?
Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.
What is it?
I think it's B.O.
What?
It's B.O. The valet must've had B.O.
It can't be. Nobody has B.O. like this.
Jerry, it's B.O.
But the whole car smells.
So?
So, when somebody has B.O., the O usually stays with the B. Once the B leaves, the O goes with it.
It still smells.
How could it still smell after all that?
I don't know.
Well, what are you gonna do?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car.
You're selling the car?
You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine! Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench! And I'll take anything I can get for it.
Maybe I'll buy it.
Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This isn't just an odor! You need a priest to get rid of this thing!
[Elaine comes in]
I still smell.
You see? You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!
I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
What's that supposed to mean?
I don't even like Drake.
You don't like The Drake?
I hate The Drake.
I love The Drake!
How could you not like The Drake?
Who's The Drake?
Who's The Drake?!
The Drake is good!
Again with the sweat pants?
What? I'm comfortable.
You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."
He took a biopsy, Jerry, a biopsy!
What'd he say?
He said he didn't know what it was.
All right, so?
When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get out of here". That's what I wanted to hear. "Cancer? Get out of here!"
Maybe he doesn't have a "get out of here" kind of personality.
How could you be a doctor and not say "get out of here"? It should be part of the training in medical school. "Cancer? Get out of here! Go home! What are you, crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you know that?" Told you God would never let me be successful. I never should have written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this.
Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
No, I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I've lived my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?
You're breaking up with me, aren't you?
Do you want me to break up with you?
If that's what you want.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Fine. Break up with me.
All right. We're broken up.
Can we still be friends?
Listen, I know we've had our problems in the past, but we've got a show to do tonight. Pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins. They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange thing to do, to walk into a room, audition, and walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins, have a nice laugh.
How'd you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now and shoved it down your throat?
You faked?
On occasion.
And the guy never knows?
No.
How can he not know that?
Because I was gooood.
I guess after that many beers he'd be pretty groggy anyway.
[chuckles] You didn't know.
You faked with me?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
You faked it?
I faked it.
The whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
Not bad, huh?
What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
Fake, fake, fake, fake.
Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Sex to save the friendship. [starts to take off his shirt] Well if we have to, we have to.
This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, this is gonna be the new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate!
But I don't wanna be a pirate!
[George is out to dinner with his parents after moving back in with them]
Maybe you should take a civil service test.
I’m not taking a civil service test.
Look at this, George. [Pulls a coin out of his pocket] Have you ever seen a silver dollar?
Yes, I’ve seen a silver dollar.
Why don’t you want to take a civil service test?
To do what? Work in the post office? Is that what you want me to do?
Can you believe when I was eighteen, I had a ssssilver dollar collection?
You get job security; you get a paycheck every week..
I’m a college graduate, you want me to be a mailman?
You know, I could never bring myself to spend one of these. I had some kind of uhhhhh, phobia.
So what are you gonna do?
I don’t know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent, something to offer. I just don’t know what it is yet.
I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today. [Does a slight of hand trick and George looks annoyed]
[On the verge of tears] Oh my god..
I don’t like this waiter. [Holds his hand up and snaps his fingers trying to get the waiters attention] Look at him. He sees us. Doesn’t wanna come over.
I need some air.. [Gets up from the table and starts walking away]
George, where are you going?
[Looks back] I got a lot of thinking to do.
[Seeing George eating pretzels] May I have one of those, madam?
Madam? What are you calling me madam for?
They're ladies' glasses,
[Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside]
Now look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.
He sold me ladies' glasses!
So I'm all right? I don't need a shot?
Not shot. Dog bite.
Yes, I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?
Not shot. Dog bite. Woof-woof. Not bang-bang.
...
[about to be injected with the rabies shot] It's not going to hurt a lot, is it?
Yes, very much.
Who goes to South America?!
People go to South America!
Yeah, and then they come back with things taped to their large intestines!
So because of a few bad apples, you're going to impugn an entire continent?
Yes, I'm impugning a continent.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Seinfeld pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
