I don't get art.
There's nothing to get.
No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
All bald people look good in hats.
You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know, men wore hats all the time then.
What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
Like you didn't call me a phony?
MMike
What? [to Kramer] Thanks! REAL GOOD! [back to Jerry] Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complimentary way. I mean, you know when people say, "He's bad," it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
Use it in a sentence.
MMike
Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. [to Kramer] WHY'D YOU TELL HIM!?
He begged me!
MMike
HE BEGGED YOU!?
Do you ever yearn?
Yearn? Do I yearn?
I yearn.
You yearn?
Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit... and yearn. Have you yearned?
Well, not recently. I've craved. Constant craving. But I haven't yearned.
You're not really going to California, are you?
Kramer [pointing to his head]: Up here, I'm already gone!
[George brings multiple suitcases on the trip]
We're going on a two day trip! What are you, Diana Ross?
I dress by mood.
And what mood is this?
This is Morning Mist.
[trying to make a phone call] I don't have any change. You've got any change?
No, I don't have any change. I never carry change.
Well, we need change and all I have is twenties.
I have a ten.
So, break it.
I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
So, buy something.
What?
I don't know, some mints or TicTacs.
Breath problem?
No, I just want some change.
So Kramer, what are you going to do?
Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it.
Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?
What do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic at the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say?
I'd like to hear that.
Yeah...
Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl...
Kramer, she was murdered!
Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.
As a suspect in a serial killing.
OK, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.
TTelemarketer
Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
TTelemarketer
Uh, I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that.
Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
TTelemarketer
No.
Well, now you know how I feel. [hangs up; audience cheers]
No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.
No, but there's karma, Kramer.
"Karma Kramer"?
So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life! A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.
The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation.
Don't you hate "To be continued" on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "To be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show; you're into the story. There's, like, five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it. Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes." I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm... Can you come back next week?"
They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It’s gone.
NNurse
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-ray. Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?
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