Seinfeld quotes

George

Well, it's over. It's definitely over.

Jerry

She broke up with you.

George

No, but I can tell she's going to, I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called, I made up this whole list of things to talk about.

Jerry

What was on the list?

George

Uh, let's see... [pulls a piece of paper out of his coat pocket and starts reading from it] "I'm very good at going in reverse in my car". "Why isn't Postum a more popular drink?"

Jerry

[Takes the list from George and starts looking at it] Yeah, Postum is underrated.

George

Anyway, there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said "no, maybe we can get together for lunch." You know what that means.

Jerry

What's wrong with lunch?

George

Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't go back to lunch, it's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again, I know it.

Kramer

I like the jumble. You ever do the jumble?

George

I have no power, don't you understand? I need hand, I have no hand!

Kramer

Break up with her.

George

What?

Kramer

You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.

Jerry

A "preemptive break-up"...

George

A "preemptive break-up". This is an incredible idea..

Kramer

Yeah.

George

I got nothing to lose! We either break-up which she would do anyways but at least I go out with some dignity, or I completely turn the tables! This is absolutely brilliant!

I am breaking up with you!

George

But you can't break up with me! I've got hand!

And you're gonna need it.

Elaine

But here it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck, either, but juicy, tender breasts of duck.

Jerry

Wow, she is really hungry!

[Gina's boyfriend Martin is in a coma] Kiss me right in front of him.

Jerry

I can't. What if he wakes up.

A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?

Jerry

I'm a man who respects a good coma.

George

What kind of hair?

Jerry

You know: long, dark hair.

George

Flowing?

Jerry

Flowing?

George

Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me.

Jerry

"Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me." Is that what you said?

George

Yeah, that's right.

Jerry

Just clarifying.

George

Let me ask you this. If you stick your hand in the hair is it easy to get it out?

Jerry

Do you want to be able to get it out or do you want to not be able to get it out?

George

I'd like to be able to get it out.

Jerry

I think you'll get it out.

George

What about the skin? I need a good cheek, I like a good cheek.

Jerry

She's got a fine cheek.

George

Is there a pinkish hue?

Jerry

A pinkish hue?

George

Yeah, a rosy glow.

Jerry

There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows; women kill to have her eyebrows.

George

Who cares about eyebrows?

Elaine

You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.

Jerry

I went out with you.

Elaine

That's because my standards are too low.

Jerry

Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this, if I may, for Miss Benes, as I've heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story, Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple, striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib, turned and hit Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses in mid-air, mind you, makes a left turn, and lands on Newman's left thigh. Now that is one magic loogie!

Jerry

I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind, that there had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claim, that would've caused your head to pitch forward.

Elaine

So the spit could've only come from the front and to the right.

Jerry

But that's not what they would have you believe.

Newman

[walks out] I'm leavin.' Jerry's a nut!

Kramer

[following Newman] Wait, wait, wait.

Jerry

The sad thing is that we may never know the real truth.

Kramer

[Answers Jerry's phone] Yello? What-delay Industries?

George

[in the bathroom] VANDELAY! SAY VANDELAY!

Kramer

[Elaine tries to interrupt Kramer, but he keeps ignoring her] No, you're way, way off! Well, yeah, that's the right number, but this is an APARTMENT!

George

VANDELAY! SAY- [Falls down next to Kramer] SAY VANDELAY INDUSTRIES!

Kramer

Yeah, no problem. No problem. [Hangs up and looks at George, who is lying despondently on the floor] How did you know who they wanted?

Jerry

And you want to be my latex salesman...

George

Magellan? You like Magellan?

Jerry

Oh yeah, my favorite explorer. Around the world? Come on. Why, who do you like?

George

De Soto.

Jerry

De Soto, why De Soto?

George

He discovered the Mississippi.

Jerry

Oh, like they wouldn't have found that anyway!

Elaine

[Kissing Keith, thinking] Who does this guy think he is?

[Thinking] I'm Keith Hernandez.

George

Did you see the way she was looking at me?

Jerry

She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!

George

Kind of a cute Nazi, though.

What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?

George

Oh, I said so many things. I- [a loud blast is heard] They're shooting! They're shooting!

George

I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong?

Jerry

The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal.

Elaine

It's me.

Jerry

Come on up.

George

Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this: Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs.

Jerry

No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series.

George

Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single.

Jerry

What if she's having an off night?

George

I'm speechless! I have no speech! [Jerry sneezes] Ah shut up

[describing his view of "The Kramer" portrait] He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.