TV show quotes
[about driving them around to find the lost car] Why can't you do it?
I can't.
No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
That's right.
But why? Why don't you want to?
I don't know.
But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
No, I wouldn't.
Hey, how'd you do on that IQ test?
I didn't take it. Yet.
What IQ test?
What's casus belli?
Oh, it's nothing.
Is it about me?
Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live?
It's just a Latin phrase, George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this IQ test?
This woman that he's dating is making him take this IQ test for this course.
Oh, that sounds like fun!
Yeah, fun. IQ test's are totally bogus! They prove nothing!
You'll do well, you're smart.
No, see, he's not smart. People think he's smart but he's not.
What did you get on your SAT's?
It varies.
You know, I don't even know my IQ.
Mine's 145.
145!?
Get outta here!
You get outta here!
You get outta here! [Elaine laughs]
[jokingly] Maybe you should take the test for me.
Boy, that'd be something, cheating on an IQ test. Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that.
Yeah. Yeah, I really has some guts back then. [Serious] Why don't we do it again?
What?
You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out of a window. We can do it, she lives on the first floor!
You serious?
Why not?
Where would I take the test?
I don't know. She lives right around the corner, you could take it here or go to the coffee shop.
No, that would be too noisy.
Take it at the Dram Cafe, you won't hear a peep.
[to Jerry] What do you think?
Hey, I love a good caper.
Yeah, that's what it is, isn't it? A caper. Huh.
You'll do it?
What the hey?
Yeah! Beautiful! [goes to high-five Elaine but misses and hits her in the head] Ooh, sorry!
[Jerry is looking out the window again and spots George below]
Hey, Georgie!
Comin' up!
How'd you do on the IQ test?
85!
What?
85, Jerry! 85 IQ!
[Jerry starts laughing]
85?
Well, well, well...
He's coming up?
Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations, he should be here in a few seconds.
Yeah, but an 85, Jerry, that's ridiculous.
Well, maybe the test was gender biased, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles...
[George comes in looking angry]
[Sarcastically to Elaine] Oh, hello professor.
George, I cannot believe...
Please!
No, there's gotta be a mistake.
You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
But an 85?
Listen, there were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever his name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.
[Mockingly] It was a madhouse.
Jerry, it was! Let me take it again.
Ho, ho, forget it!
Oh come on, come on, I'll guarantee you 140. What do you have to lose?
You could do worse!
No, no, come on, I guarantee it!
Alright, I'll ask her.
Ok. Now where am I gonna take it?
Take it here, I'll leave. There will be no distractions.
What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness?
If it was real, they would never let it out of the country. No baldness, it'd be like a nation of Supermen.
[jokingly] Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake... Ooooooooooha, oooooohaaaa...
[referring to a nose job] Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.
I know, they're good.
Peter Jennings had one.
Really?
Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...
I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my penis is facing my brain is a chess match. And I'm letting him win.
You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.
Then what?
He still wins but it's not a blowout.
I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.
Really?
That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?
Oh, come on.
I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.
George, you're thinking too much.
I know, I know, I can't stop it!
[about Eva's fur] You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good?
Could we talk about this some other time?
Are you a vegetarian?
Here we go...
Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.
So you're a hypocrite.
Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.
I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment, sir.
I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?
Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.
What? but the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
I know why we have reservations.
I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation. You see, it's the holding. Anybody can just take 'em.
Would you like to purchase the renter's insurance?
Yeah, you better give me the insurance because I'm going to beat the hell out of this thing.
Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should have mentioned that.
Well I know how to drive.
Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.
Can I get anybody anything?
Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on?
George I put my pants on, Sid.
I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those cars.
Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.
I’m gonna get right to the point, uh, it’s come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
Who said that?
She did.
Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell ya, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon… cause you know I’ve worked in a lot of offices and I tell ya people do that all the time.
You’re fired.
Well you didn’t have to say it like that.
I want you out of here by the end of the day.
[Gets up from his chair but turns back to face Mr. Lippman before leaving] What about the whole “Christmas spirit” thing, any flexibility there?
Nah.
George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me!
Well, good, good. Take it off. You're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.
What's that red dot on your sweater?
All right, Coney Island. Okay, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway-Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4, or 5, but don't get on the G. See, that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
Well, yeah...
Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
Why not?
That's what Willy Loman told Biff before his interview in Death of a Salesman.
What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman? Very encouraging: the biggest loser in history of American literature.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Seinfeld pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
