WWoman
[indicating Kramer's dummy] Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
Because we are blind to their tyranny.
WWoman
Then shouldn't you be wearing the bucket?
Yeah uh move along Betty.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
So, you wanna grab a bite?
I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.
So call now.
I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes; a few "you were rights". It's a whole procedure.
Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!
Oh, my God!
It's the Merv Griffin set!
How did you get this in here?
Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.
So where are you gonna sleep?
Yeah... backstage.
I just think if you borrow my blender you should return it.
Well what’s the difference -- Come on, we're like Cain and Able.
Yeah, you know Cain slew Abel.
No he didn’t. They were in business together… it was dry wall, or somethin’.
Oh, no.
All right then, what was it?
Well I think Abel worked hard all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when Winter came, Able had all the nuts; Cain had no nuts, so he killed him.
The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Abel.
Saving lives? She's one step above working at the Clinique counter.
Dermatologists. Skin doesn't need a doctor.
Of course not. Wash it, dry it, move on.
You simply must apologize.
Must I?
Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do.
How does that affect me?
So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? [suspicious] Is there a problem with her? Is she a man?
Are you?
whispering Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to punish you!
That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add.
You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower.
That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?
Showering. How long does it take you?
Ten minutes.
Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?
Ten minutes.
Let me smell you.
All right. Whiff away.
[after delicately sniffing Elaine] Uh... that's not bad at all.
So she coughed.
Coughing? Naked? It's a turn-off, man.
Everything goes with naked.
When you cough there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.
You spoiled, spoiled man. You know how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?
But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing - good. Naked crouching - bad.
Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. And as I rained blows upon him I realized there had to be another way.
What happened to the doll?
It was destroyed, but out of this came a new holiday, 'a Festivus for the rest-of-us.'
Kramer: That must of been some doll.
SHE was!
At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
And is there a tree?
No. Instead, there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
Hey George, I'm buyin' this car!
Shh. What is wrong with you? You never tell them you like the car! You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here!
So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
DPDavid Puddy
I don't much care for that term.
Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...
DPDavid Puddy
No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
I saw one once that could do sign language.
DPDavid Puddy
Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.
Yeah, Koko.
DPDavid Puddy
Right, Koko. That chimp's all right. High-five.
Hey Silvio. Just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat.
SSilvio
That is your coat?
It sure is.
SSilvio
Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention.
That's true.
Hey Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Seinfeld pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.