I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here!" "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, flying through the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."
I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" [Mimes fiddly button-pressing] "I told him!"
[about Elaine taking the apartment above Jerry] How could you do that?
'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect - I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.
Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.
Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?
Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?
She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.
But I need the home bed advantage!
Of course, we all do.
You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. This (pointing to himself) is an idiot.
Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
RRoxanne
[yelling out the window to the marathon runners] You're all winners!
But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.
When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly, and, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
Police! Open up!
RRay
Police? [Opens the door a crack - Kramer barges in like a cop. He forces Ray against the wall]
Freeze, mother!
RRay
Hey..
[Kramer shoves him roughly against the wall]
Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! [Looks around] You're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods.. and uh, uh.. murder.
RRay
Murder?!
[Kramer shoves him against the wall]
Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!
RRay
I think you have me confused with somebody else.
Is your name Ray?
RRay
Yeah.
Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for. [Grabs the statue from the mantle, and puts it in his bag]
RRay
Hey, hey, are you a cop?
Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?
RRay
Got you? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.
Good. Good. Let's keep it that way.
Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
What about that?
Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
Well, that's really not fair.
So I'm going to a nudist colony next week.
RRick
Nudist colony?
Oh yeah, yeah I love nudist colonies. They help me unwind.
RRick
I've never been to one.
Oh really? You should go; they're great! Except when they're over it's hard to get used to clothes, so sometimes when I'm in my office I just sit there naked.
RRick
Really?
Oh yeah, I usually sit around naked a couple hours a day. I cook naked, I clean naked, I drive naked, naked, naked, naked!
RRick
Who are you!?
Oh, you don't wanna know mister. I'm trouble.
[after the doctor tells him George did not have a heart attack] Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis?
Susan Davis? Hey, wait a second..
Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you.
I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?
You know, if your future was a little more certain..
Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.
Well, ah.. [Takes his pillow] What? Kind of like this? [Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out.]
What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!
[Elaine enters and sees Jerry's jokingly trying to kill George]
Jerry!
[Surprised] Elaine, what are you doing here? [Quickly puts George's pillow back behind his head like nothing happened]
[To Jerry] Jerk-off.
[whispers to Elaine] There's nothing wrong with him. I spoke with the doctor; he's fine.
[smiles as she catches on, then goes to George in a concerned manner] Hi, George, how are you feeling? Is anyone looking at your apartment?
TTor
No. You know, I am not a businessman. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that ensures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer.
[thinking] And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.
Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?
I know.
I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. [Points to the bedroom] We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.
It's almost stupid if we didn't.
It's moronic.
Absurd!
Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.
Well, there are always a few.
I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.
Devastating.
Because this is very good. [Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship]
And that would be good. [Points to bedroom]
That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.
Yeah, we just wanna take this and...add that.
But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.
Huh.
For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa.
Right.
But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call.
Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No calls the day after that.
Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.
All right, sir.
Now here's another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.
Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional!
Well now we're gettin' somewhere.
Now, what about the kiss goodnight?
Tough one; your call.
It's...bourgeois.
Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
What do you wanna know?
Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
Rarely.
Every woman on the face of the Earth has complete control of my life and yet, I want them all. Is that irony?
Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.
What do you mean?
You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks.
What are they gonna do?
They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.
50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?
50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.
OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...
No, no tricks.
Should I do it, George?
For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Seinfeld pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.