Velma quotes from Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated

I am the goddess of love! Bow at the feet of Aphrodite!

Velma

I think you mean Amanda. (unmasks Aphrodite) Amanda Smythe?

Oh, you think you're so smart. Do you know how it feels to be humiliated? Me, the smartest and most gifted student in the history of Crystal Cove, laughed at by everyone in this school.

Velma

Well, actually...

You know nothing! They had promised me I would be prom queen, but instead they pulled a hideous mask over my face: The face of a monster. They ridiculed me. I left Crystal Cove that night, but I promised that someday I would return. I had always been good at chemistry, so when I stumbled on the formula for an artificial pheromone that could make people lose their minds with love, I knew I would have my revenge.

Daphne

Why? You're pretty now.

The scars run deep. I would reclaim the crown that was rightly mine, then I would destroy this town the way it destroyed me. My plan was genius! And I would have succeeded, too, if it wasn't for your olfactory-challenged sidekicks. (The deputies arrest Amanda)

Pericles

I am no one's sidekick.

You said it.

Way to go, gang. Who's been served now, huh?

I won't deny it, you are a worthy opponent.

Gee, thanks. You're not bad yourself.

Was that a gage burrow strategy you used back there?

You recognized it? You know, I thought at first I'd go with the Orpheus proposition, but I didn't have any milk.

Velma

(interrupts Fred) Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt, but what's the big idea trying to kill us? And what's with this thing?

My treasure! I thought you had returned to steal it.

Daphne

Returned? I think you have us confused with the original Mystery Inc.

Say, now that you mention it, you don't look anything like I remember you. Especially that parrot over there.

Thank you.

I've made a terrible, terrible mistake. What has become of me? I suppose it started that Halloween night. My family came upon a mysterious artifact, a key to finding the great cursed treasure rumored to lie beneath Crystal Cove. It corrupted us with greed. I had just gotten my hands on it when the earth shook and swallowed our entire house. My loved ones grew old and passed all around me, but I hardly even noticed. Then, those meddling kids showed up. They were after my treasure. I knew it! So I spied on them. And I booby-trapped the whole house in ways that would prey upon their weaknesses. Eh, but they left.

Daphne

So you've been waiting for them to come back all this time?

Truth be told, I kind of lost track. Has it really been that long? How do I look? Haven't let myself go, have I?

Uh, no.

You look fine.

Daphne

I love what you've done with your hair.

My whole life has been a waste. (sits in the chair, dodges the booby-trap arrow launched by crossbow and laughs) That's one of my earlier models.

Shaggy

What's going on?

All those traps going off must have awaken the area's fault line. (falls on the floor broken in half)

Quick, grab my hand!

Don't worry about me! (The gang watches the ceiling breaking outside) Now's your chance for escape.

Velma

But your treasure?

(last words) Keep it! And may it bring you more happiness than it ever brought me. (The ceiling is still breaking, the light shines outside) Now, through that crevice before it's too late!

Daphne

After all that, he saved us.

Velma

Or did we save him?

Shaggy

Yeah. Like, he did say this wedge was...

Cursed.

Whatever it is, it's our responsibility now. The question is, are there other pieces out there? And if there are, who else is looking for them?

Ta-da! The Brownberger B-41. It's the trapper's trap.

Mayor Jones

(arrives) Spicy giblet ponies, Fred! Why do you have a geisha tied up in here? You know they belong downtown in Crystal Cove's geisha house of terror.

He's not a geisha, dad. He's a wizard. Or at least that's who he's pretending to be...

Mr. Wang?

Big surprise.

Mayor Jones

What?! Wang?! Why?!

I've searched for the dragon's heart all my life. I tracked it to your silly little town, and it was almost mine. Mine!

Mai Le

You won't be needing these anymore. (takes the 4 rings off of Mr. Wang)

Daphne

Now it all makes sense. Mr. Wang used his supposed research trip to Crystal Cove as an excuse to hunt for the dragon's heart. When he saw that Mai Le was wearing the fourth dragon ring, he knew he was close. Mr. Wang posed as the evil White Kung Fu Wizard to steal the fourth dragon ring from Mai Le, but Chen pretended to be a Red Wizard in an effort to stop him.

Velma

After the wizard battle downtown, Mr. Wang came to my house in one last effort to get the ring.

Shaggy

But how did he make himself fly?

Oh, the same way I did, (takes the White Wizard costume off of Mr. Wang) jetpack.

Oh! Of course.

Daphne

And the magic lightning bolts?

Velma

(shows Mr. Wang's hand) Homemade Tesla coils. Genius!

It was the perfect plan. That ruby is priceless. I was going to be rich! And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you--

(masks Mr. Wang with the White Wizard's head) Save it, Wang. We've heard it all before.

Mai Le

(in a Fred's trap) Let me down, you idiots!

You okay, Shaggy?

Shaggy

Was everything about you a lie? Like, even us?

Mai Le

Sorry, dude.

Velma

He's too good for you, dog issues or no dog issues.

Mai Le

I still don't know what that means.

The production assistant?

No, it's not. It's Argus Fentonpoof, the writer of "Scream, Scream, Time For You to Die".

I'm both. When you pulled out of the movie, they decided not to make it. I went bankrupt. I had to take a job as a production assistant.

But, why have you done this?

Well, by scaring you and everyone watching on TV, I was going to prove that Nightfright deserved his own horror movie. Right before you started filming, I hid my Nightfright costume in a closet. I used the conduit to sneak in and put the costume on. I paid the other actors to pretend to be knocked out when I attacked. Of course, I couldn't let anyone know that I was Nightfright. I had to sneak out every now and then, and get everyone coffee.

(arrives) Hold it right there. I'm Harry Shneste-Boysen, the executive producer of this show. I've been watching the whole thing from my jacuzzi. I'm blown away. (to Vincent van Ghoul) Not only is your reality show going to be a surefire hit, (to Argus) (2 deputies handcuff Argus) but I found your pathetic tale of lost dreams inspiring. It's gonna make a great movie.

A movie, about me? Really? Heh. Gee! Uh, you know, none of this would have happened without you meddling kids. Thanks.

Alright, let's go.

Bye, everyone! See you on the big screen in 10 to 20 years.

Well, all's well that ends well.

I would like to see who's been holding me captive all this time. (unmasks the one Fish Freak)

Daphne

Ernesto?

Hello, comrade Daphne and her fellow comrade mystery-solving teenagers. (The other 3 Fish Freaks unmask themselves)

Daphne

But aren't you against all this anti-environment stuff?

Funny you should ask. It all started when we were doing a little research into our old foe Destroido. We were going through their trash when we ran across some very interesting information: Dr. Cavanaugh's report on this giant oil deposit off Dead Man's Point. We came up with a plan to make enough money to fund our various protests. We were gonna drill for the oil ourselves and sell it.

You were doing this for cash?

You have no idea how expensive it is to be a grassroots activist! After we found the location of the oil platform, all we had to do was scare off anyone who started nosing into our business. And we would have, too, if that meddling mermaid had kept her fin to herself and never contacted you.

Velma

Hold on. Are you telling us that you were going to cause a major environmental disaster in order to get the cash to protest against major environmental disasters?

Yes! You must be willing to kill the environment to save it.

Uhh... no. I don't think that's right.

Velma

Hey, you're not a mermaid!

Allow me to introduce my lovely wife Amy Cavanaugh, ordinary human and professional Commercial jingle singer.

That explains why your eerily beautiful singing voice made me want to put on deodorant! (Velma is disappointed)

Velma...

Velma

You lied to me. You acted like you were my friend, and I believed you.

I'm sorry. I came up with the mermaid character out of desperation. I'd gone to the police to report that my husband had been kidnapped by Fish Freaks, but they just laughed at me, then asked for directions to the oil platform so they could add it as a stop to on the Crystal Cove Mystery Tour. I thought that if I could make it sound like one of your mysteries, you'd help me rescue my husband. And you did.

Velma

How do you even know about us?

I read your blog. I'm a fan.

Velma

Does that mean you're going to stay in touch?

If you'd like to me to.

Velma

Well... whatever. It's your decision. But I wouldn't mind if you did. As far as helping, it's what we do. Our friend Angel also deserves a lot of credit. She knew about Destroido's involvement from some old newspaper articles. That's how we made the connection.

Newspaper articles? That's strange. Destroido covered the whole thing up. The papers never even knew about it.

Velma

Hmm.

Angel

Lordy, Velma! Baby, you just about scared me out of my skin-tight leather foxy pants. What's with all the sneaking around?

Velma

You tell me.

Angel

What's that supposed to mean?

Velma

For the short amount of time that you've been in Crystal Cove, you sure know a lot about this town's mystery history.

Angel

Well, I'm just curious by nature. Remember the heebedy-jeebedies?

Velma

Stop. One of my big problems, on a list that's long and distinguished, is that despite my skeptical nature, I trust people. I want to see the best in them. Unfortunately, they usually let me down. Things have been adding up for me, Angel. The help you gave us on this oil platform mystery, the diary you provided for the Mystery Manor case; stuff that you shouldn't know and shouldn't have had, no matter what the heebedy-jeebedy.

Angel

What are you saying?

Velma

I'm saying Angel Dynamite isn't your real name. I think your real name is Cassidy Williams, and you're one of the members of the original Mystery Incorporated that vanished in the caves beneath Crystal Cove. Tell me I'm wrong... friend.

Daphne

Look at that! Are Manticores double-jointed?

Velma

This is no Manticore, Daphne. This is... (unmasks the Manticore)

Hot Dog Water?

Velma

Just as I suspected. It totally makes sense when you put the clues together. Someone with computer skills had to make that fake website, and Hot Dog Water has those skills. And remember, just before the Manticore attacked, I smelled something familiar. It was briny, greasy hot dog water. (to Hot Dog Water) But what I don't know is why Shaggy and Scooby had such high voices after you attacked them before, or why you'd want this amusement park to close so badly.

How could you know? Your intellect is so far inferior to mine. (takes off the Manticore's outfit) It all started on a boring Friday night when I didn't have a date.

Velma

Hard to imagine.

I decided to run some experiments on the steel used to build the park's rides. I found that if you melted the steel down and combined it with chromium, stalagmite, and mercury phosphate, it created a kind of super helium. Shaggy and Scooby must have inhaled some helium gas from the Manticore's posterior relief hole. That's why their voices were so high. I figured if I could get the park to close, I could take all the steel, melt it down, and sell the super helium to the Australian zeppelin fleet. I'd have made a fortune and shown you up in the process, Velma.

Daphne

Another mystery solved.

It still seems like something's missing.

(reads) "Meddling kids and their dog will foil your plan".

Yep. That would be it.

Sheriff Stone

What in the name of kettle corn is going on? I thought you said he (Cachinga) was the creature.

Daphne

Sorry we had to trick you, Sheriff, but we needed everyone to believe it was Cachinga (Fred deactivates the trap) so we could set a trap for the person who's really behind this.

(gasps)

Rick Spartan

Marion!

Sheriff Stone

But how did you know that she'd attack? I don't get that!

We knew that if Dr. Spartan found out that the curse was fake he'd want to go back to living a life of adventure in the jungle.

Velma

A life she definitely didn't want.

(annoyed) Fine. I admit it.

Sheriff Stone

Well, you kind of have to. We caught you in the costume. But how--how did you know it was her?

We found this ring at the botanical gardens. A woman's ring. (to Marion) You went to Oxford, too, didn't you?

Yes. (puts the ring on her finger)

Rick Spartan

But, Marion, why did you do it?

Because I love you! Because I hate living in the jungle. It's icky. I decided if I couldn't convince you to give up that life, I'd scare you out of it. I came up with the fake legend of Sklar Gringat. I forged an ancient map to the ruins and put it someplace you'd find it. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the challenge. You would be so consumed with finding your next great treasure, you wouldn't be thinking of me, as usual. I pretended to break my ankle because I knew you'd send Cachinga for help and go up into the ruins by yourself. And when you did, my plan fell into place. It gave me a chance to sneak around the back of the ruins, which were actually an old abandoned movie set. The Headless Horror costume was the final piece of the puzzle. I had it specially designed and took months of pilates to train my abdominal muscles to the point where I could control the mouth with my abs.

Rick Spartan

But the shrunken head... It talked to me.

I got it at a Halloween store. You can record whatever you want it to say. I'm sorry, darling. I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted us to live a normal life. Which we could have if it weren't for those meddling sycophants. Can you ever forgive me?

Rick Spartan

Sure, I do, baby. I know I'm not the easiest guy to live with. You were just trying to get through to me. Don't worry, we'll work it out. (He and Marion kiss) Sheriff, I don't want to press any charges.

Sheriff Stone

Yeah, I, uh, figured.

Rick Spartan

Take me back to my room?

Anything.

Rick Spartan

Cachinga, come.

(leaves the police car with the spear) Thank you. It's been lovely.

Oof. Eahhh! Wood gets older than kindle!

Nice to see you again... (unmasks the Shadowy Figure)

Professor Pericles.

Pericles

Well, hello, children. How did you know?

Velma

Simple. There's only one brain large enough, beside my own, that could have pulled this off. We found the trojan horse program you put on Fred's laptop that let you control all of Fred's traps remotely.

Pericles

Fred really should have come up with a more secure password than "trappin' guy".

Shaggy

Once you had control of the traps, it was like totally simple to simulate a haunting and terrify the Mayor.

Velma

And your avian attributes provided the means to make your spooky shadow creep float like a real ghost.

Daphne

Too bad for you your avian diet gave you away.

Pericles

Oh, what can I say? A bird's got to eat.

It still doesn't explain where my dad is, and why you were haunting him.

Pericles

Why do you think? I wanted his piece of the Planispheric Disk, of course. I knew he would have it close. I just didn't know where. So I decided to scare it out of him.

(looks at the mysterious piece) Planispheric Disk? (to Pericles) But how did you know he had it in the first place?

Pericles

Because, dear friend, he stole it from me a long time ago. (the gang is confused) Don't believe me? Ask him yourself. (takes off the Shadowy Figure costume and pushes the remote control's button that changes the stairs to slide, Fred unhands the piece of the Planispheric Disk and the gang falls down to the basement) (takes the piece #1 of the Planispheric Disk) I am the smartest criminal parrot in the world! You didn't think I have a back-up plan? (laughs) Until we meet again. Auf wiedersehen, Mystery Incorporated. (flies away)

Did you know we were standing on a trap?

(grabs Daphne) Honestly, there's so many in this house, I've kinda lost track.

Shaggy

Zoinks! Another ghost!

Dad! (releases Daphne and uncovers the sheet) You're okay!

Mayor Jones

Dimpled puppet eggs, Fred! I am clearly not okay. Untie me.

(unties his dad) Dad, the house wasn't haunted at all. It was Professor Pericles.

Mayor Jones

Pericles? Are you sure? Did he get the--?

Daphne

Planispheric Disk? Yeah. He said you stole it from him.

Mayor Jones

That's... that's absurd! We confiscated it off him years ago, when we locked him up. I've felt it was best to keep it here, safe. That's why I went back in for it.

Velma

Mayor Jones, why would Professor Pericles want that piece of the Disk so badly?

Mayor Jones

Oof! Ha! Ha! How should I know? Are you kids trying to imply something? Because if you are--

No, no, dad. We're just all really happy you're okay. That's what's important, right, gang? This mystery is over. (hugs Mayor Jones)

Daphne

I'm not sure this mystery is over at all.

Velma

Time to reveal who Dead Justice really is. (unmasks Dead Justice)

Deputy Bucky?

Sheriff Stone

What? Bucky, you were like a father to me!

You're 20 years older than me!

Sheriff Stone

There's no proof of that. Why'd you do it?

Velma

Sheriff, I think we can explain.

Daphne

Bucky was tired of being just a deputy. He craved the power and prestige of the Sheriff's office.

Bucky failed every one of his promotion exams. But it wasn't just his grades that got me thinking.

Shaggy

Like, Bucky's a doodler, and his drawings looked an awful lot like Dead Justice's demon bullets.

Velma

Bucky disguised himself as the Ghost of Dead Justice and chased down the town's most wanted.

Daphne

He knew nothing would hurt Sheriff Stone more than losing his job to his hero.

The only thing I don't understand is how he created those bullets.

CGI. It's all CGI these days. I programmed a laser pointer to simulate the animation.

Sheriff Stone

Much as I hate to admit it, I owe you kids one. (Fred puts his hand on Sheriff's shoulder but he lets it go)

Now, Regina, time to come clean and reveal that you're-- (unmasks The Obliteratrix)

Alice May?

Who's Alice May?

Daphne

She once pretended to be a Ghost Girl to kidnap Fred for her man posse because she wanted revenge for her father, the Creeper.

Shaggy

But, like, how did you get out of jail?

I got out with the help of the same person who sent me to destroy you... Mr. E!

Huh?

Angel Dynamite

Huh?

E enlisted my services to put you kids in danger in hopes of drawing out his enemy, Professor Pericles. He figured if Pericles thought you were in trouble, he'd come to your rescue. E knew if he could get Pericles to reveal himself, it'd leave his piece of the Planispheric Disk vulnerable. Everything was fake. Special effects.

Shaggy

But, like, where'd you get all the high-tech stuff? How'd you disappear?

E took care of that. It was all courtesy of one of Destroido's shell corporations: Quest Research Laboratories. They supplied me with everything I needed: Weapons, a high-tech cloaking device, even the effects.

Angel Dynamite

(handcuffs Alice) So this was all staged by Mr. E to use the kids as parrot bait.

That's right. And it would have worked, too, if I hadn't been stopped by you, Miss meddling sassy pants! (Next scene in the police car with Sheriff Stone and Alice May arrested)

Sheriff Stone

Wait, so are you telling me that you escaped from prison months ago, and I never noticed? (laughs) I don't think so. (drives away)