Velma quotes from Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated

Don't touch me!

Mayor Jones

(arrives with Sheriff Stone) Hazy fantasie, Fred. Didn't you hear me when I said, "if you see a ghost girl, do not go to the prom with her".?

Don't worry, dad. She may look like a ghost girl, but in reality she's... (unmasks the ghost girl) Alice May. Or she's also known as...

Alice Carlswell.

Sheriff Stone

Carlswell? As in Deacon Carlswell? The Creeper?

That is right. He was my father. When daddy was in prisoned, I vowed revenge on those who put him there. I used his old costume to construct my own. When I found the legend of the evil ghost girl online, I was ready to spring my trap. I grabbed that fool Randy to throw you all off the track. And I kept him hidden and fed in my father's crypt until I could let him go. After that, it was just a matter of getting rid of your precious leader, and Fred. I'm going to zap your gang the way you feeded my father. And I would have succeeded, too, if it weren't for you meddling... schoolmates... of mine.

Sheriff Stone

All right, now let me get this straight; these T-shirts are fifty dollars each, this is cotton, right? The kind that comes from cows?

Velma

Sheriff, you need to focus. The phantom has already taken Daphne!

Sheriff Stone

Right. Where's Daphne?

The phantom took her away!

Sheriff Stone

All right, now we're getting somewhere! And by the way, what's wrong with the Jones kid? He's acting a little... squirrely.

Mayor Jones

(arrives with Sheriff Stone) Bug-eyed biscuits, Fred. Couldn't you have waited until after the show to catch the phantom?

Sorry, dad. Not with Daphne in danger. (unmasks the phantom)

Daniel Frizette?

Shaggy

Or, like, should we call you Fantzee Pantz?

Fantzee Pantz?

Doth my eye shadow deceive? How did you know?

The villain had to be someone close to the Hex Girls to access the stage.

Shaggy

And the Hex Girls' equipment.

And their bus.

Velma

Someone with a grudge against the Hex Girls.

The Hex Girls took my career. I tried to get revenge by writing bad songs for them, but they can make anything a hit. So, I became the phantom. And I'd do it again if it weren't for the uncanny boy band knowledge of you meddling brats!

Sheriff Stone

Let's go.

Now let's see who you really are. (unmasks the Gnome)

(gasp) The Court Fool? Uh-Oh.

That's my husband, Gill Littlefoot! What did you think you were doing, fool? (hits Gill with her staff)

What I've wanted to do for years: Frame you for the gnome attacks. And once you were out of the way, take your fortune for my own. (Amanda hits him again) Ow! Will you stop that?

Velma

But you're too tall. How could you ever be the gnome?

There's a reason our family name is Littlefoot. (takes off the gnome disguise to reveal his real size) (Everyone gasp) I planned this over a year. And while I've always hid my tiny legs, this finally provided me a way to make them useful. Since Amanda's dislike of pirates was well known, I planted her earring on a victim, hoping to throw suspicion her way. I used my toxin-coated gloves to paralyze all the pirates, but you would not quit. The beautiful part is that because of my--

Sheriff Stone

I believe the medical term is baby legs.

No one would have ever suspected me. That is, until you, meddling, gnome-hating, pirate-loving--

Sheriff Stone

Yeah, yeah, Shrimpo, we got the picture.

(annoyed) All these years, you've looked down on me. Now it turns out I'm actually taller than you. (hits Gill again with her staff)

Ow!

Sheriff Stone

Let's go, little footy. (laughs)

Mayor Jones

Boy, I had big plans for him! Thanks for nothing-- again.

Anytime, pop.

Mayor Jones

So they didn't show! I don't see why we couldn't just seize the ticket money as evidence. Prancing piccolos, Fred. One of your traps actually worked!

Sheriff Stone

Greetings, big and hairy space travelers. As a representative of planet Earth, I welcome you.

Velma

I'm afraid these two aren't space travelers, Sheriff. I'd like to introduce (unmasks the Green Humungonaut) Max Minner and (unmasks the Red Humungonaut) Jax Minner.

Sheriff Stone

It's the Minner brothers? They've been taking care of all of Crystal Cove's insurance needs for years.

Mayor Jones

But how did you know they'd both show up here?

Velma

All I did was double insure the boat repair shop with a policy from both brothers. You see, each brother was only attacking the places the other brother insured.

Mayor Jones

But why?

What do you think? Money.

And the fact that we can't stand each other.

Oh, yeah. That, too.

This intense dislike started back when we were circus strongmen. We had just come up with a great idea for our act: The Hercules apes...

Sheriff Stone

Humongonauts is catchier.

When this jerk decides to break up our act and join a rival circus.

Huh! You were just jealous.

We became bitter enemies who, as chance would have it, both went into the insurance business here in Crystal Cove.

After that, we each focused on the same thing: Destroying each other's business.

And it would have worked, too, if it weren't for...

My meddling brother! (look each other) What? Why, you... (start fighting)

Velma

Mystery solved.

Sheriff Stone

What's going on? I heard what sounded like some sort of hideous, undying machine in here.

Daphne

We've solved the mystery of the Fright Hound.

And your culprit is... (opens the hood of the mysterious person)

Jason's mom?

That's right, it was me all along. I saw how you treated my Jason at school. So naturally I did what any mother would do. I built a demonic robot dog to destroy you! I framed your little doggy friend to break you up, leaving Jason a clear shot at his true love. But when you showed up and blamed him of all things, I decided to GET RID OF YOU ALL! I gave up a career in military robotics to raise my son, not to watch him get triped on!

Now Velma will never want to be my girlfriend. And she would have, too, if it weren't for my meddling mom!

Velma

I'm sorry, Jason. I should have been clearer with you earlier. But you and me, it's just not gonna happen. But we can still be friends.

Really?

Velma

Yeah. You took that very well.

And you touched my knuckle again. Ha ha! (kisses his fingers)

Aaahh! Let me go! I'll drain you all!

Daphne

Mom! Your vampiring is tearing this family apart! I'm sorry, but you've left me no choice. I'm going to have to stake you.

Wait! I'm not a vampire! I'm-- (unmasks herself)

Sheila Altoonian.

Daphne

But why?

Isn't it obvious? My looks are starting to fade.

Shaggy

No. You're gorgeous.

No. Your skin is as tight as my ascot.

This is all your mother's fault. We're the same age, but she's so beautiful. She has the skin of a teenager. That's when I realized she must be a vampire. I went to the Dinkley Shop to do a little research and found the recipe for the youth juice. That potion was gonna make me young and beautiful forever. You see, in college I majored in zoology and acrobatics, studying the habits of flying squirrels. I propelled myself into the air with my quad and glute muscles. All this gave me the illusion of a real flying Vampire.

Daphne

Why didn't you just try maybe wearing a little less makeup? Or a cuter haircut? Or use tape to pull back all your wrinkly sacks of. (grabs her cheeks with hands) You know, age gracefully.

Age gracefully? Are you crazy? No, the Vampire serum was my only hope. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling--

What's going on here?

Daphne

Mom!

Even now, she's stealing my moment.

Daphne

I'm so glad you're not an undead creature of darkness.

Thanks, honey.

Daphne

But what are you doing here? Why have you been sneaking out?

I didn't want to say anything, but I've been taking night classes. I'm getting my public notary degree!

Velma

Oh, how exciting.

Shaggy

What an opportunity.

You know, I may be outrageously gorgeous, but knowledge, knowledge is the key to true beauty. Well, I better get going. I have to figure out what a notary is before tomorrow's final exam. (laughs)

Shaggy

Like, you don't hear many monsters from other dimensions scream for help.

Velma

This is no monster. (unmasks Char Gar Gothakon) It's Howard E. Roberts, Hatecraft's student assistant and biggest fan. Just as I suspected.

Shaggy

Suspected how?

Velma

Think about it. We found a book written by Hatecraft, with sentences underlined that smelled like Char Gar Gothakon.

Of course it was me. Someone had to defend the Professor against his critics. And what better way than to dress as his greatest creation? Fortunately, I'd taken a class in the military application of sonic shriek technology at the learning annex. Although, in retrospect, it might not have been a good idea to glue real octopus legs to my face.

Ah, so that was the smell!

Velma

But when Hatecraft admitted he made it up?

That's when he had to fall. And he would have, too, if it weren't for the dark elder forces conspiring in the inky black of time most foul! Oh. And you meddling kids.

Shaggy

Like, I don't think it's Dr. Yantz!

Velma

Really? You think?

Now, get him!

Grandma Moonbeam?

Mayor Jones

Did we miss it? Where are the bugs?

You're the Cicada Creature? But why?

Isn't it obvious? I wanted to shut down Destroido. I found out they added a secret ingredient to make nature slivers more tasty: Landfill waste! I demanded that they return to my original healthy recipe, but they refused, and because they owned it, there was nothing I could DO. I vowed to get even. I saw a Norwegian documentary about a researcher using sound waves to control penguins' movements. I decided to adapt the idea for my revenge. Since I didn't have any penguins, I used cicadas. And I would have succeeded, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling young people.

Sheriff Stone

Well, now, it's the big house for you, grandma. Let's go.

Mayor Jones

(sighs) Why can't anything in this town ever turn out to be real?

Glad we could help, dad.

Velma

Well, another mystery successfully solved.

I was born in 1994 when I was a kid in 1997.

Velma

Look at that. For the time ever, the sidekicks have solved the mystery.

Now, let's see exactly who Lord Infernicus is. (unmasks the Lord Infernicus)

The Funky Phantom?!

That's me, don't you know.

But why?

I was sick of being a sidekick. Resentful, even. I'm not a real ghost. I'm Jonathan Wellington Muddlemore, actor, thespian, dramatator. I was behind in my rent at the Y, so a friend told me about this clock I could squat in. When they found me and thought I was a ghost, I figured why not. Ghost gig got me 3 hots and a cot, but I got tired of taking a back seat, don't you know. I wanted to headline. I wanted to be the boss. In charge, even. With my own sidekicks. That's when I stumbled upon the mystery solvers state finals. I had workshopped my Lord Infernicus character at various comedy clubs and state fairs around the country. And it has always been a hit. It was a simple matter to use mirrors and a video projector to make myself appear and fly. A little smoke, fireworks, a skeleton puppet identical to my own bone structure for close-up work, a pre-recorded voice, and the deed was done. I even abducted my own cat Boo. The plan was to ship everyone off to Africa, where there is a desperate need for teenage mystery solvers. I then created the ruse with the Guinea pigs; sewing each of their tiny costumes by hand, using the actual vintage fabrics of their real life counterparts just to throw you off track. It was perfect. Genius, even. Until your ridiculous dog started acting like a HERO instead of a SIDEKICK.

(annoyed) Ohhh.

You lied to me. Meow! (attacks Mudsy)

Shaggy

Like, Scoob, looks like you and your pals are the heroes of this mystery. Let's hear it for the sidekicks. Hip hip--

Hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!

Velma, do you believe in love at first sight?

Velma

In your case... no.

Daphne

Okay. Let's see who was trying to give the Wild Brood a bad name.

Another geek?

Maxwell?

Shaggy

Like, who's Maxwell?

He works in the copy room at our gaming company. Maxwell, why?

Why? I'll tell you why. You all thought you were so cool. You never let me join in the beta testing of any of your new video games. No, I was just the lowly copy boy. So I sought my revenge. I made a Wild Brood costume of my own. From that point on, all I had to do was steal a rocket launcher, grab someone to hack the computer to divert the train, reroute said train, board the train from a moving motorcycle, defeat the train's security system, blow up the bridge the train was on, which would cause the Swordfish console to be destroyed in a massive train wreck, ruining your careers and hopefully giving rise to my own in the process. Simple!

Shaggy

Dude. Seriously?

Overkill, huh? Well, it might have worked, if it wasn't for you meddling kids. Am I right?

Uh, no.

Velma

Don't think so.

Shaggy

Not really.

Sheriff Stone

(puts the Orc mask on Maxwell's face) And keep that mask on. You geeks freak me out without them. (drives away with Maxwell arrested)

Velma

Don't be so hard on yourself. You tried to do a very brave thing.

No, Odnarb was the brave one. He saved us all. Go ahead. Hang with him, Daph.

We've got to get back to our render farm. But I was thinking... maybe one last ride? I'll let you hold onto my jacket. It's genuine elf thigh.

Daphne

Oh. No thanks, Od. You're awesome with all your deep thoughts and poetical nobility and stuff. But my heart has always been with Freddie. (kisses Fred on the cheek)

Yes! In your face, Odnarb, or whoever you are. She digs me. She digs me! SHE DIGS ME!

Velma

Look, about what happened -

Shaggy

Yeah, uh, about that...

Velma

We don't have to -

Shaggy

No, no way.

Velma

In fact, I'd prefer -

Shaggy

Absolutely. My thoughts exactly.