Where can tourists go if they're looking for a great time in New York City?
If you're looking for a good time, look no further. New York's hottest club is Crease. Club promoter Trannie Oakley has gone all out, and inside it's just everything—lights, psychos, Furbys, screaming babies in Mozart wigs, sunburned drifters with soap-sud beards...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what?
You know, it's that thing where a hobo becomes a rich man, so they take the big bubble bath.
I...think I know what you mean. But now Stefon, if people, like if a family of normal people were looking to see some of the classic New York sights, you know, like Central Park or places like that, Statue of Liberty, would you have any recommendations?
Yes. New York's hottest club is Wesh. Nine-year-old pimp Ichi Yakaguru is back with an all-new hot-spot that answers the question: "What?" This place has everything—trants, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powter, Teddy Graham people...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, could I stop you for a second? What are Teddy Graham people?
It's that think of like, when a guy has the stumpy arms but with the belly.
Yeah, that's definitely not a thing. You're doing great, Stefon, but again, if we were talking about just regular, run-of-the-mill people, maybe from the Midwest, who were just looking to do something with their kids or their grandparents, if they were coming here, could you recommend someplace that would be fun for them?
New York's hottest club is Twice. Don't be thrown off when you're greeted at the door by a rabbi that looks like Joaquin Phoenix. you're at the right place. Club owner Robert Blake has thought of everything—goths, carnival barkers, groups of guys with Afros in graduation caps, human fire hydrants...
What is a human fire hydrant?
You know, it's that thing of when high-waisted midgets have, like...[trying not to laugh] I know, I'm doing great. It's that thing when high-waisted midgets have, like, the red pants and the big ass.
Oh right, that thing. Look, Stefon, we asked you to come here and tell us about the fun touristy things, we were pretty clear on the phone. Places people, regular people could go on a spring weekend.
Right, mm-hmm.
But I have to say the things you described sound like visions a dying gay man might have if he was under too many blankets.
Fair, fair.
But you know what, Stefon? Your heart was in the right place, and I really enjoyed having you here.
Oh, yay!
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