Roseanne (to the IRS supervisor): People cannot figure out your forms, that's why they gotta pay $200 an hour lawyers to figure them out for them. I can't afford $200 an hour.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Dan and Becky are at the mall]
Thanks for, you know, coming.
[they hug]
I love you.
Yeah, I know... And here's a 10 spot for saying so.
So, who are these guys?
The Splitting Headaches!
And what's the name of this song?
Pounding!
So, basically, we're listening to Pounding by The Splitting Headaches?
Gone with the Wind was a book?
[entering the kitchen] Boy, it's just a beautiful morning today, it just makes me wanna SING!!!
[note: this was a reference to Roseanne Barr's controversial performance of the U.S. national anthem at a baseball game in July 1990]
You did forget, I can't believe it!
[to Darlene] A little help. [Darlene imitates driving a car, crashing the car, and sirens blaring] Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.
Are you sure Dan doesn't know?
No, he thinks I'm right on schedule.
How did you manage that?
I faked PMS. I even added an extra day for the heck of it.
[knocking on door of bathroom, where Roseanne, Jackie and Crystal are about to start Roseanne's pregnancy test] Roseanne, what the hell is going on in there?
We're worshiping Satan, honey. We'll be right out.
[on the new baby] I just don't think it's fair that you should expect me to clean the baby, or wash it, or watch it while it sleeps, or change its diapers---
[putting her arm around Darlene] I guess what you're saying here is that you just feel that three children are enough for this house.
Well, yeah.
[takes her arm from around Darlene] We're gonna miss you, Darlene.
Was I an accident?
... No, D.J., you were... a surprise.
Oh. What's the difference?
Well, an accident is something that, if you had to do it over again, you wouldn't, but a surprise is something that you didn't even know you wanted till you got it.
Was Darlene an accident?
No, Darlene was a disaster.
Darlene says I'm a prevert.
No, you're not a pre-vert, DJ, you're a pervert.
Kid's a peeper, huh? Boy, that takes me back...
What, you got sisters too?
I wish!
I hear he does the nasty with college girls
...WELL. I certainly hope he gets extra credit for that.
He just dated some senior who took some college classes- no big deal!
No, of course not. (arranging Becky's hair) Whattaya think, Dan? Pigtails, ribbons?
(watching TV) Works for me.
Good luck covering up those fresh zits tonight, Princess.
You're just jealous 'cause I'm anatomically correct.
Yeah, and I'll bet you just can't wait to show Robert.
You mean I actually have to go into the store and, like, buy condoms myself? God, how embarrassing.
Well, you don't have to go in there and buy them. I mean, you could use the rhythm method.
Oh, does it work?
Ask your brother.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.