Rock Paper Scissors quotes

Scissors

[quietly] It's okay. If we don't say anything, he'll think we're gone and he'll leave us alo--

Lou

[kicks the door down with his foot] Oh, there you are. I was knocking. [the trio sighs in disappointment] Listen, something's wrong with my cat, Meatball. I took him to the vet, changed his diet, even bought him a kitty Peloton, which he never uses… but he's still looking rough.

Rock

How old is he?

Lou

30.

Rock

30?

Lou

That's not that old. I'm only 31.

Rock

31?!

Paper

Uh, Lou, it might be Meatball's time.

Lou

What? I can't lose Meatball. We've done everything together.

Lou

I'm going broke trying to take care of him. I need more tenants.

Scissors

You also need to check that vampire book. He looks even worse now.

Lou

That's on me. I accidentally made him sick 'cause I ordered a garlic pizza from Chaepo's Pizza.

Paper

You ordered a garlic pizza?

Lou

Yeah, with garlic knots, garlic tots, raw garlic, and a pint of garlic juice.

Rock

[disgusted] Eww!

Lou

Try it.

Rock

[takes a drink of the garlic juice] Ooh, worse than I thought,

Scissors

In fairness, Meatball would've gotten sick from a regular Cheapo's pizza. That place is awful.

Cheapo's Pizza! Everyone gets food poisoning here!

Lou

[as Meatball puts his paw on his hand] I know, Meatball. I'll find a way to save you.

Scissors

[excitedly] My girlfriend's a mermaid! And then she took me on an incredible date. [voice-over] First, we got a couple's massage from an octopus. Then she gave me magical gills that appear underwater. [Delphine presses her hands on his throat, granting him some magical gills to make him breathe underwater] That way, I could swim down to her giant mer-kingdom! And then, all her fish friends sang to me over a romantic dinner!

[singing] ♪ Enjoy your meal / Enjoy your meal / Enjoy your meal / And your girlfriend who's real! ♪

[presenting Scissors a red pearl as a gift] This is a special pearl, because it's extremely dangerous to retrieve. It only grows inside a clam.

Scissors

That doesn't seem that dangerous.

That's been swallowed by a shark.

Scissors

Oh.

That's been eaten by a whale.

Scissors

Good Lord.

In mermaid culture, we give this to our perfect match, to say, "You matter to me most of all." [places it in his hands]

Scissors

So look at this! [holds out, what is actually a golf ball]

Rock

[baffled] A golf ball?

Scissors

No, it's-- Well, it was a pearl. Oh, she did say it only glows when you're with your perfect match, which is me for my mermaid girlfriend.

Paper

Guys, I asked you to help set up for the Apology Soirée.

Rock

The what?

Paper

The event I'm hosting where we invite everyone we've wrong over the past year to apologize. [holds up a whoopsie cake]

Rock

Are you doing this because individual apologies are hard and doing it all at once is the coward's way out?

Paper

That's what sold Scissors.

Scissors

Big coward!

Rock

Yeah, this feels like more of a "you guys" thing.

Paper

Fine. Then Scissors and I will be the mature ones in this-- [gets smacked in the face by Scissors' sticky hand] Ah! Ow! Scissors, you are such a child! [starts chasing him around] What grown man has a sticky hand?! You are a nightmare! If I look up "nightmare" in the dictionary, I would say, "Wrong picture," because it should be Scissors!

Rock

[gazing at the enlargement ray, and an idea gets in his head] The enlargement ray! [imagines himself in his enormous size as the apartment building and making modeling poses]

Franz

[amazed] Well, I certainly can't ignore you, now that you're enormous!

Lou

[also showing up along with his cats] I'm here too! Also, I couldn't find a cat-sitter, so I brought the boys.

Scissors

Lou, we didn't invite you.

Lou

And I expect an apology.

Franz

Well, great. Thanks to you, we are now further from the ray and stuck on this counter. When will you learn?

Rock

[bitterly] Never from you.

Franz

What was what? You spoke at a volume suggesting you were saying nasties about me.

Rock

Forget it. [sees two of Lou's cats on the counter and one of them hops off] Franz! I know how to get down. [they climb onto the cat]

Franz

How do we get it to go?

Rock

We wait. I mean, it's not like Ratatouille where you grab some hair and-- [grabs the cat's fur with both hands, making the cat stand up] Oh, shoot! It is like Ratatouille!

Paper

And finally, as payback for the damage we've done to you… [pulls the cover off the coffee table, revealing weapons]

Scissors

You get to damage our apartment for three full minutes.

Rock

[to Franz] Well, thanks for teaching me how to do the turn. [starts to walk away, sadly]

Franz

Wait. I'd like to participate in this very weird event. Rock, I apologize. I've been selfish, oblivious, and put you through a wringer of comedic hijinks. But I promise to change. In fact, from this day forward, I'm going to be your mentor.

Rock

[overjoyed] You will?!

Franz

Because if I pass my knowledge on to you, it'll help me even more! People will ask, "Where did you learn those moves?" and you'll say, "Franz Roll, of course. The greatest model alive." It's like you will be a living advertisement for me, and my name will be etched in the tomes of modeling history!

Rock

Works for me!

Scissors

Aww, that's nice. I'm glad everything worked out. [accidentally activates the enlargement ray, zapping Lou's cats in making them grow into enormous size]

Lou

What the heck did you do?!

Paper

[sighs] We're gonna need another soirée.