Robot Chicken · Season 1
Listen, uh, I don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but, um, the living room hasn't been vacuumed in weeks and...
Hey, Waterman, I was busy, you know...realigning the planet, or something.
But you drew vacuuming out of the job jar and everyone else...
Face it. Who's gonna save the Earth from a giant meteor while Superman's vacuuming? You? I don't think so.
I could. Hey!
[Cut to a trailer rating screen rated "R" for Righteous. Then, cut to a plane landing in Nazareth as music that sounds similar to the music from the trailer for Kill Bill plays. Then, cut to Jesus on the cross as the Easter Bunny watches in the crowd, and angrily opens his eyes. Then, the title card appears (Kill Bunny). Then, cut to Jesus riding a motorcycle in the jumpsuit worn by The Bride in Kill Bill. Then, cut to Jesus ordering a drink at a bar. Then, cut to a black and white shot of the Easter Bunny playing the flute. Then, cut to Jesus slamming Buck's head in a door]
Where's the bunny?! [cut to him sword-fighting, then cut to him sitting in a car] Wiggle your big toe. Great. I am Jesus, you know.
[Cut to the Jewish man with a crown on a throne pulling out a katana, then cut to Santa and his rabbi ninjas]
Yashi mana!
[The rabbi ninjas run downstairs and cornered Jesus]
Hyah!
[Then Jesus fights the rabbi ninjas with his katana sword]
Oy!
[Then, cut to Jesus and the Easter Bunny sitting down together]
Five-fingered palm of death! [attempts the move, and the Bunny lays a giant pile of eggs; to the camera] Let me try that again.
[Cut to Jesus, dodging his head from the flying axe as he continues to fight the rabbi ninjas, then cut to him sword fighting with Santa in the snow, then a trailer. Elle Driver from Kill Bill walks in and swordfights with Jesus. Jesus punches her in the eye and heals her]
[surprised] Thanks!
It's what I do. [then cuts her in half]
[Cut to Jesus training with George Burns (God), then sword fighting. The title card comes up. Cut to the Easter Bunny and Jesus]
You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?
For a second there, yeah, I kind of did.
[Cut to Jesus sword fighting again, then "Coming Soon", then static as the sketch ends]
Oh, gosh! Bobby Fever smiled at me during homeroom! Do you think he'll ask me to the dance?
Sure! [scoffs] If he's into girls with fat thighs.
[Sabrina winks to the camera while her friend starts crying, "Sabrina The Teenage Bitch" title card appears]
Sabrina, my food is on the top shelf, and I can’t reach it, and I’m really hungry! Will you give me some food?
[pretends to reach for the food] Uhhhh… NO!
[Sabrina winks to the camera, "Sabrina The Teenage Bitch" title card appears]
[Three children trick-or-treating on Halloween encounter Sabrina, who is dressed as a stereotypical witch, on a bridge]
Ooh, a witch, a witch! Look at the witch!
[mocking the children] Ooh! Ooh! A witch! [grabs the children’s bags and throws them over the bridge] Happy [Bleep]ing Halloween!
Awwwwwww…
[Sabrina winks to the camera, "Sabrina The Teenage Bitch" title card appears]
Dammit, dammit, dammit! Years of planning, ruined!
How were we gonna take over the world with a white Michael Jackson, anyway?
Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Everyone just sort of lost interest. I think as you get older, ruling the world just seems like too much trouble.
[shivering, sitting next to a fire somewhere in a frozen forest] I always pay my taxes. [his nose rises. He breaks the end of it off and throws it in the fire using it for firewood to get warmer until he is rescued] I have no idea where Geppetto is buried. [his nose rises again. He breaks it off and throws it in the fire again]
Am I done yet?
You'll know, She-Ra, you'll know.
Yeah! Then the five-O plant the DMA evidence. You can't trust to police! One time a police take my shoeshine box. Beat me with it! My lordy!...What? Every black man on TV gots to be a posamative role model?
But the DNA evidence matched 13 out of 13 tests. The defendant is clearly guilty.
...Uh, you're a fucking dog. So let's go over this again.
Jack Backett, you are charged with double homicide. How do you plead?
Not guilty, your honor.
This is gonna be fun! Yee-haw!
[Dog busts into the courtroom with a gun]
Oh my God! He's got a gun!
Nobody listened to me before! Jack must die! [starts going postal in the courtroom]
Tune in next time when every dog has its day.
[Papa Smurf and Brainy are in Vanity's house, investigating the latter's murder, in a parody of Seven]
One thing's for certain, Brainy. Vanity Smurf died the way he lived.
Bicurious?
[Brainy Smurf enters Smurfette's house, when all of a sudden, he sees Jokey holding a box.]
Oh, Brainy. Hi, Brainy!
Oh, no, Jokey! Your sick sense of humor, your total disregard for smurf safety, your Se7en movie trading card collection. You're the killer!
I got you a present!
What's in the box, Jokey, what's in the box!?
It's a surprise!
[opens the box] Nooo!!! Oh, Smurfette, noooo!!!
[The box explodes]
Hahaha! Surpriiiiiise!!! Mwahahahaha!!!
What the hell is wrong with you?
The new Fall TV season is starting, and The Insider has the scoop on all the new series. P.S. to the competition: go [Bleep] yourselves! This year's Amazing Race will be more amazing than ever, now that religious deities are joining the action.
[Scene changes to a man and a woman in the middle of a desert with a flat tire]
Oh, Jesus, please help us! Jesus!
I'm here. I've brought you a tire iron, my son.
Praise Jesus!
[Jesus is fixing the tire when more contestants arrive]
Mr. Christ, please help steer this camel!
Oh, Lord Jesus, we could really go for some cab fair.
[offscreen] Whoo! Buddha's the way to go, jackass!
[Buddha drives onscreen in a motorcycle with the man sitting in a sidecar]
Buddha's all up in your grill! [drives away]
Tired of their liberal shenanigans, Fox owner Rupert Murdoch fired Simpsons creator Matt Groening, and promises same show, brand new attitude this season.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Robot Chicken pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
