[The Fool is entertaining the Sheriff, Gisborne and others]
"Richard the Lionheart", they call him! Now, going into battle in a foreign land, it's not the heart of a lion you want, is it? Since when did a heart hurt anybody?! Come on, then! Come on! I’ve got the heart of a lion! You can imagine the Saracens translating that, can't you? "He's got the what of a lion?!" The teeth? The jaws? The claws? Nooooo! The heart! Richard the Lionclaw, "Jerusalem's yours, come in, sit down, help yourself!" Lionheart?!
SSheriff
[to Gisborne] He's good. Very good.
Forget about it! It's no wonder it’s taking so long over there, is it? [Laughter. The Sheriff laughs and Gisborne smiles] Mind you, mind you... It's better than his brother, isn't it? Prince John. [deadly silence] What's Prince John doing? Sitting at home? Heart of a dormouse?
[Two soldiers seize the Fool]
SSheriff
[angrily] Prince John is a friend of mine.
[freeing himself] It's a joke! It's what I do! I do other things. Let's try some soothsaying. [to a guard who has a hold of him] Sit down! [He makes the guard sit] Sit down! [The guard stands up again] I'll make some predictions, and then I'll make them come true. Someone in this room will bare their buttocks to the Sheriff tonight!
SSheriff
TAKE THAT MAN TO THE DUNGEONS NOW!!!
[As the soldiers seize him again and start dragging him away] Look, hang on! Prediction two: Sir Guy's joint will rise from the dead!
What's that supposed to mean?
Your woodcock, Sir Guy. I can bring it back to life.
[The guards start dragging him away]
You'll like my third prediction, it's about Prince John. One day, Prince John will be King of England!
SSheriff
I know that already.
But did you know that there's something in Nottingham that can stop him?
[The Fool puts his legs around the beam]
SSheriff
What is "Lardner's Ring"?
Well, let me go and I'll tell you.
SSheriff
[to the soldiers] Lock him in the cellar overnight. Flog him in the morning. And then he'll tell us! Now that really is funny!
[The Sheriff and others roar with laughter; Gisborne smiles]
You should listen to me, I know what I'm talking about!
[As he is being dragged away, The Fool's legs are still wrapped around the beam, causing his trousers to fall down]
Ah! The first prediction! I told you, and the others will follow. Beware the power of Lardner's Ring!
[The Fool smiles as he is dragged out of the room]
[After Allan returns from his failure to catch McClellan, with one of his two helpers dead with an arrow in his chest]
[sheepishly] Err... he's dead.
Well, we got part of it, yeah, but Robin turned up--
SSheriff
TURNED UP?! And got his message?!
I don't know. Look, he kind of took us by surprise! All we heard him say was "Lardner", that was it.
SSheriff
[grabs the arrow in the soldier's chest; simmering] "Lardner"? That's what he said?
[Long, tense silence, as the Sheriff pulls the arrow all the way out; suddenly, he explodes with rage and throws it at Gisborne]
SSheriff
I BLAME YOU FOR THIS!!! [throws food and utensils from the table at him and Allan] YOU HAD HIM ON YOUR DOORSTEP, AND YOU LET HIM ESCAPE!!! YOU AND YOUR IMBECILES!!! SIX... LEGS... AGAINST... ONE... AND THE ONE... GOT AWAY?!?!
SSheriff
Ah, Gisborne the Gullible! Got something to show you. [holds the Fool's lid over an apple on the platter, and puts it down repeatedly] First you see it... then you don't. There it is... and there it isn't.
[impatiently] Yeah, what's your point? [the Sheriff puts both hands on the handle and lifts up the lid; the apple is gone] How'd you do that?
SSheriff
You simply pull up on the handle here, the claw grabs hold of the bird. You lift up the lid, the bird's gone. The cooked bird has been hollowed out, you put a live dove inside it, and then la-di-da-di-da - plateful of bird's wings! Your fool, he's no "sorcerer"! He's no "soothsayer", and he cannot predict the future!
[The Fool takes the key off of Allan's belt and hugs his leg, so he won't notice]
Please! Have mercy! Don't let them do this to me!
[Allan moves the Fool off him]
[Allan looks down and notices that the Fool has taken they key and looks back at the Fool]
I don't do tragedy, I do comedy.
Well watching you swing'll be comedy.
[Allan slaps the Fool]
SSheriff
[To Allan] Very good.
[The Sheriff and Gisborne leave and Allan follows]
[The Fool who has his eyes closed and head back after Allan has hit him, opens his hand to Will, showing the key. Will looks over to Allan and Allan looks back at Will then leaves]
My lord, what happened? Where did you go?
SSheriff
Just thought I'd see how you'd cope without me for a day.
He could still be here. We could still get him.
SSheriff
No, no! I don't need him any more! Single-handedly-- Eh? I, single-handedly, managed to infiltrate Hood's secret camp and retrieve the pact! [cackles dementedly] The pact! [pats his trousers, only to find it gone] The pact! The pact! No... [grabbing Gisborne's shoulders] THE PACT!!! THE PAAAAAAACT!!! GET HIM!!! GET AFTER HIM!!!
SSheriff
That man is a sworn enemy of the state! And of your son, Prince John!
Alas, one can choose one's friends but not one's family. You and John deserve each other.
SSheriff
Then "alas", you shall never leave England alive.
Are you always this odious or have you just practised for me?
SSheriff
Oh, you haven't seen the half of it!
[Legrand closes the hatch in the door that the Sheriff was speaking through]
[After Gisborne and Allen faked the Nightwatchman's escape]
SSheriff
Good news, Gisborne - only good news. Tell me you have caught him. Tell me you're ready to string him up. Tell me I can have my execution!
He escaped. The Nightwatchman is gone.
SSheriff
[furious] You have failed me again...! [smacks Gisborne, then holds a dagger to his neck] I WILL NOT TOLERATE INCOMPETENCE!!! There is too much at stake now! A KINGDOM!!! Last chance, Gisborne.
[The Sheriff storms off, while Gisborne returns to his duties; Marian watches, stunned]
SSheriff
Ah, news from Nettlestone! Nice? Nasty? Both? [chuckles]
MMessenger
Small problem...
[Cut to the War room; the Sheriff bursts in angrily, followed by Gisborne and the Messenger]
SSheriff
"EXPLODING FIRE"?! WHADDAYA MEAN, "EXPLODING FIRE"?!
SSheriff
Yes, I know what it is.
MMessenger
We want permission to burn down the barn. They'll be toast.
SSheriff
[irritated] Are you deaf? I told you: I want Hood's pretty little face, on his pretty little head, attached to his pretty little body, ON A PRETTY BIG SPIKE OUTSIDE MY CASTLE!!!
MMessenger
Then what do we do? He's got food in there for a week.
SSheriff
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO, I DON'T CARE HOW LONG IT TAKES!!! BRING ME HOOD'S BODY ON A SPIKE!!!
SSheriff
You missed all the fun, Gisborne. [indicating Marian] Your leper friend tried to kill me.
[to Allan] Did you know about this?
SSheriff
Why would he know anything about this?
She knocked him out and took his sword.
Well, I wasn't expecting it, was I? Or it wouldn't have happened. Yeah, she's good. But I'm better, though.
[Marian winces, knowing Allan has made a mistake. The Sheriff approaches Allan, who realises his mistake]
SSheriff
"She's good, but I'm better." That means you knew she was capable of this. [to Gisborne] You knew, too, didn’t you?
My lord, please, I can explain.
SSheriff
[angrily] Well, you better had explain! Because she just made an attempt on my life!
[hesitantly] I recently discovered that Marian... was the Nightwatchman.
[Deadly silence]
SSheriff
... What?! ... AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!?!
I believed Marian's days as the Nightwatchman were over! I believed I had dealt with it--
SSheriff
BY TRICKING ME?!?! BY FAKING HER ESCAPE?!?! Who was it who ran away?
[Gisborne turns away; the Sheriff looks at Allan]
Look, I was just following orders, all right?
Because I thought Marian’s charitable instincts were misguided. I did not think they merited hanging!
SSheriff
[sarcastic] Oh, how very noble of you, dear boy! Although I can't help thinking that maybe you wanted a little something in return! Huh?! A display of gratitude?! [pats Marian on the shoulder] The Nightwatchman! I'm impressed!
SSheriff
GUARDS!!! [guards enter] PACK A TRUNK FOR LADY MARIAN!!! [the Guards leave] She's coming with us!
[Marian looks up]
SSheriff
[Whispering] Oh. Oh, look. The look. Hmm? So eloquent. [imitating Marian] "Oh, Guy! What's going to happen?" Well we just don't know, do we, missy?
SSheriff
You... are going to visit King Richard.
[The Sheriff hands Nasir an item wrapped in cloth]
SSheriff
You are Saladin's new messenger.
[Nasir opens the cloth and the item is Saladin's royal seal]
This is Salah ad-Din's royal seal. Where did you get it?
SSheriff
Salah ad-Din's old messenger.
But there is also a password.
SSheriff
Yes, that was difficult to get. It was like pulling teeth. [To Karim] It was pulling teeth.
KKarim
And when we get there... I kill him?
SSheriff
No, no, no. You will not get to within a thousand yards of the King's tent. You will lure him out.
SSheriff
By telling him what he wants to hear. Peace.
[Nasir smiles]
SSheriff
Nothing can stop us now.
[Cut to the coastline of Acre - the gang are there]
Right lads... work to do. Save Marian. Save the King... Save England.
[Gisborne is walking back from Marian's "cell"]
SSheriff
[Whispering to Nasir] He is a Black Knight. I would trust him with my life. Ah, here he comes.
[Gisborne enters the room]
SSheriff
Well.... How is our leper friend?
SSheriff
I owe you a debt of gratitude, young lady. Thanks to you, I know that Guy is loyal, because if you can't turn him with your pretty little head, then nobody can.
Your heart... must be the coldest place on Earth.
SSheriff
Are you a little disappointed that he told me about your offer? I'm surprised it took you so long, to be quite honest with you. I mean, I was really getting rather bored.
And now I've served my purpose--
SSheriff
YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!!! DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA LET THAT PASS?!?! Robin Hood did not die in Nottingham. [Marian looks puzzled] Did you know this? Huh? [Faintly] Well then... [Quietly] Just as a treat... you can die together. [Chuckles] This is good. [He leaves]
SSheriff
All right, that's enough of the piety. No amount of la-di-da words can save their blackened souls! Fire it up!
Wait! [lights a flare] In the name of God, wait!
[points at Gisborne and Vaisey] You and your master, Prince John, have broken not just Man's laws, but the Lord's! And for this, you will be punished!
SSheriff
The monk's been on the mushrooms! FIRE!
[Hood is revealed to still be alive]
You see, the sun emerges again, like England's protector - his journey is complete. He appears into the light and he will save you. He has returned. The legend is alive!
JJasper
[sarcastic and angry] Surprise, surprise!
SSheriff
[to Gisborne] YOU INCOMPETENT... FOOL!!!
NOOOOOOO! [Robin pins Gisborne and Vaisey to the wall with arrows]
I am Robin Hood, your humble servant! It is for you that I live to fight the evil that chokes this country! No longer shall we live in fear and darkness! We must stand together! Only then will the sun rise on this country, our England ONCE MORE!
Robin Hood · 415 quotes
