Rick and Morty Season 1 quotes

[Beep] Hey, Jerry, it's Kiara. Listen, my boyfriend saw those texts you've been sending me, and he got pretty pissed off. If he calls you, just ignore him! [Beep]

[Beep] This is Carmox. I have intercepted sexual communications between you and my new girlfriend, Kiara. I am coming to kill you now! [Beep]

[Beep] Yo, Jerry, it's the Big R. Uh, I killed that alien that was coming after ya. Looking out for ya, buddy. [Beep]

[Beep] Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Don't be mad. I fucked your ex-girlfriend Kiara.

Who are you talking to, Rick?

Doesn't Matter. [Beep]

[Beep] Hey, Jerry, this is Michael down at The Antique Phone rentals. Um, I'm gonna go ahead and let you off the hook for the $70 late fee. You can go ahead and keep that answering machine. Nobody really uses those anymore except for exposition on TV shows, anyways. [Click]

Here's the adventure: some kind of alien goo-ga has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out.

"Kennedy Sex Tunnels"?

Naturally you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment: the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Colosseum. He didn't free them all. And let me know when you're done.

Maybe then we can get a selfie?

Too busy, Morty! [to his aides] Now tell me about this summit, is it a peace one or a regular one?

Don't do it, guys! The casualties would be in the brazillions... cause you're Brazilian? It's a threat and a pun! Nobody gets me.

We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time.

You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits.

Peace summits are important!

Oh yeah, they work great. We're really drowning in peace. You suck!

YOU suck!

Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire.

What?

They signed something called the "Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord. Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat took them to a Star Wars cantina, where they smoked perspective-enhancing alien pheromones through a laser hookah.

I still say it has to be Putin.

IT WAS RICK AND MORTY, YOU FUCKING DUNCE!

But you're getting the credit, sir. Your approval rating just hit 100%. Why would Rick and Morty want that?

BECAUSE THEY'RE ASSHOLES!

Jesus! He's not a fucking god!

You don't know what I am! And you don't know what I can do!

Jeez, it's... it's cool, Rick--

I'm Doctor Who in this motherfucker! I could be a clone! I could be a hologram! We could be clones controlled by robots controlled with special headsets that the real Rick and Morty are wearing while they're fucking your MOTHER!

[enraged] I'm going to KILL YOU!

Then come to 312 Olive Street!

[worried] Is that her address?

You don't know, because you're a bad son!

The office of the President can't coexist with a living god that won't submit to it! I mean, besides Poseidon. But he's locked up in Area 51 already, so that doesn't really count.

Who are they?

Crystal poachers. There's no lower form of life. They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank.

Wait, then, what are we?

We are Rick and Morty.

Oh, hey, this fucking ferrofluid's wrapping around my legs. Fuck... I can feel! I have mass! I'M A FUCKING GOD NOW! YOU'RE FUCKED!

What the fuck?! I-I thought you were proud to be a hologram!

THAT'S 'CAUSE I HAD TO FUCKING BE ONE! [after a brief fight, Wasp Rick stings him in the eye] SHIT! [he screams as wasp offspring overrun his head and make it explode]

There's a lesson here, and... I'm not the one that's gonna figure it out.

Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you and... tried to kill the whole world and stuff. Guess I gotta learn how to live in the moment a little more.

Oh boy, so you actually learned something today? What is this, Full House? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis. I think you have to think ahead and live in the moment.

Jerry

Oh, real nice, Rick. Turning our son into an Akira? Real nice.

Eat my ass, Jerry! He turned himself into Akira!

Jerry

Oh-ho, I'll eat it! Because this is my house, Rick! I'll eat any ass I want!

Gross.

Well, it’s time I go on a solo adventure, and this time, it won’t involve Ron Howard. [leaves the room]

Summer

[speaking quickly and excitedly] He's gonna go poop. When he pats his belly like that and Morty doesn't go, it means he has to poop. He’s a shy pooper. He has his own secret place to poop.

[from offscreen] Man, fuck you, Summer!

Hey, ape-man? I hope this was worth making a whole swarm of enemies.

It will be... when I find whoever shit in my toilet.

Is that... code for something? Someone look that up! If that's drug slang, I need to know it!

There he is, there's our guy! Congrats, Tony! Have fun with your stupid toilet that you get to use all by yourself now! Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there and think about how nobody wants to be around you, and how you ruin it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit! Look at you sitting there: King Shit on his throne of loneliness! Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit! All hail his majesty, the saaaaaaddest piece of garbage in the entire cosmos! Long live the big bad doo-doo daddy! May his reign last a thousand years!

You couldn't have done that earlier?!

I was eating, and you're dirty.