TV show quotes
I want you to know, when this is over, the guy in this body is gonna yell at Jerry and call him useless, really lay into him... but he won't always mean it.
Well, cards on the table, the guy in this body might call Rick an angry old asshole, but he's the closest thing Jerry has to a friend.
They left a note!
Should we read it in Rick's voice or Dad's?
"Dear Family, we thought about leaving a note, but then one of us was like 'Why are we leaving a note? That's such a Jerry thing to do. But if we didn't leave a note, that's such a Rick thing to do.' And then we realized we just gotta be us, so it's a note but it's not really well-thought-out." That's it? They got out a pen and paper for this?
Who are you? What is this place?! And does my son sell drugs for my father? Maybe criminals will actually be honest with me...
Crystals can be anything, Mom!
Yeah, but these crystals are drugs.
Morty!
[The gangsters are confronted with a surgical, multiarmed, multiheaded amalgamation of Jerry and Rick.]
Holy shit! All the positive aspects of each, perfectly melded together?
Yes. I am... Jerricky. [They strike a karate pose.]
Alright boys, nothing could've prepared us for this! At this point, we gotta shoot and hope!
[A firefight breaks out.]
Also, everything's flammable!
In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Eerie and replaced her bones with titanium. She was then bit by several werewolves, giving us the ultimate anti-submarine weapon.
Got it.
But the Soviets smuggled in a leprechaun who turned Nessie's bones to silver, giving her the were-version of AIDS. She sank to the bottom and we assumed she was dead, but she was only asleep. Now she's awake, and hungry!
You can't date my shrink.
What? Bro! You're nuts!
Then don't date my shrink.
I'm not dating your shrink! She probably doesn't even like me...
[Rick goes to punch him, but is held back by a Secret Service Agent.]
Stand down, Sanchez!
Tell him to stand down! Would you let him bang your therapist?
I don't believe in therapy!
W- What the hell does that even mean?! You don't "believe in it"?
He's a Scientologist.
Don't date my shrink! And don't be a space Mormon!
Why not?!
It's silly! Sorry. It's a cheap shot. Worship how you want. I like Tom Cruise...?
Thank you.
Therapy is working...
Keep it in your pants.
I need Unity's help, so you need to convince her I'm worth it.
You aren't.
So lie.
I called you multiple times! You ghosted me!
Rick, is that true?
She dumped me. Why would I answer her calls?
All right, I'm going to commit a cardinal sin in couples' therapy here, but Rick? I think you're wrong.
Bringing you was a mistake.
You had an outer space lady who was worried for your life, and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem.
Thank you.
Now you're asking her to both forgive you and solve it? Unity, I think the reason Rick brought me here is that he doesn't know how to indicate to you he's changed, because he's changing very slowly. But he is.
Rick, I gotta know, like, w-- what's the secret ingredient-- [he stumbles across Rick scooping spaghetti out of a man's entrails] God, no, why?! Why? No! Why is it always this shit with you? O-- Of course it's a person! Rick! Why couldn't it just be spaghetti?!
They were delicious!
So keep eating them!
We can't now!
Because of you! Sorry. Morty. That was terrible parenting. You did the quote-unquote "right thing". We are technically very happy to be better informed.
First octopus, now this. Have we thought about just giving up and joining the fascist half of the country?
Is this people or not people? I-- I just need to know how much I should pretend to be upset.
You did it, didn't you? You couldn't change everyone's taste buds, but you could make it... distasteful. It wasn't the death, was it?
It was the complexity of life.
God, what was the point?
If you're asking whether this was a story about right and wrong, the answer is... "I don't care."
So what do we do?
Cells consume, Morty. Life itself is wrong, and that means death is right. But you can't side with that, so you live, even when it means eating. And Fred here really did it well.
[Rick and Morty exit a portal, clearly infuriated with each other.]
Another adventure where I went up an ass!
Oh, good, are we having this fight again? L-Let me guess: You're gonna leave, or-- or throw a sulking fit?
You think you know everything, Rick, but you're-- you're basically just a giant eight-year-old!
I'm not doing this anymore! Either you're in or you're out, Morty! I-I'm tired of you weaponizing this half-assed threat! You want out, then fucking quit!
You know what? You're right. Sorry to be such a high-maintenance Morty. W-Why don't I get you a drink?
[Morty pulls out a six-pack of beer. Later on in the night, he welds something together in his bedroom, then returns to the garage where Rick lies, now covered in beer.]
[burp] O-Oh! Oh, hey, Morty...
Hey, Rick. You drunk yet?
You're my little buddy, [burp] you know that? I-It's-- It's you and me, Morty. Uh, Rick-- Rick and Morty, one hundred years, forever!
[Morty dons an eyepatch, revealing this as Evil Morty's origin story.]
Yeah, pal. Rick and Morty. A hundred years. Forever.
[He closes the garage.]
Ge-Get off me! What are you-- What are you doing?!
[Rick dies in a flash of light.]
If you're seeing this, you're me - except, you know, less. But you acted like you were better, so I killed your beloved Diane. Partly to devastate you, mostly so I only have to record one message. Some of you may have noticed that it's not just your Diane that's gone. She’s also been erased from every universe across infinity. And you might be wondering why.
I'd rather hear how.
Diane was wiped from all existence by the Weapon Too Cool for a Name...
The Omega Device.
...known to inferiors as the Omega Device.
I heard the name from an inferior.
Honestly, wife guy? I do miss when it was just us -- the only two Ricks who actually invented portal travel. Anyone else keyed up to arrive later? Like your car?
[A claw brings in Rick's battered ship.]
I can see why you hate him.
And she sounds like our wife! Li-- Like in a fucked-up robot way, but that's definitely her voice. You sentimental little fella!
I upgraded this thing, by the way. This new version can fire more than once. So now I can erase your family, one by one, until you finally learn your lesson! Which you won't, so then I'll kill you too... I'll do that the old fashioned way. Okay, family-killin' time! Let's start small - still family, though.
[Rick Prime presses a button, and Slow Mobius is brought in, trapped inside a glass container]
Where am I?! Two Ricks?! Where's my wife?! I was just with my wife!
Uncle Slow!
What the-- "Uncle Slow"? Slow Mobius?
Yeah, this one hurts me, too.
[Slow Mobius is sent falling towards the Omega Device, activating his time wands in a panic along the way]
[slow motion, tearing up] NOOOOOOOOO!
[mouthing in slow motion] What the fuck?
[Slow Mobius is erased, along with all other versions of him]
Kind of the worst possible time to use his powers! He just made the death happen slower!
I'LL KILL YOU! [charges Rick Prime]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rick and Morty pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
