Randall quotes from Recess

Randall

Let me tell you something about friends, pally. Friends are people who say they're going to meet you at the movies and never show up. Friends are people who tell you the puddle is only an inch deep and then you step in it and you're up to your knees in mud. Friends are people who run your underwear up the flagpole ...with you in it! Friends are ...friends are jerks!

The last one to Ol' Rusty has to give Ms. Finster a sponge bath!

Randall

Hey! That's my job!

[whistles, stopping the gang's fighting] Come on, guys. We're all pals here. Who cares whose best friend I am?

Vince

Well, I do care who my best friend is. And if that's the way you feel about it, T.J., then I don't want to be friends with you, or any of you. [storms off]

Same here. [also storms off]

Gretchen

Me too. [also storms off in the opposite direction]

Mikey

Goodbye. [walks off]

Gus

Uh, what they said. [also walks off in the opposite direction]

But… but, guys, wait! Come back!

Randall

Oh, boy, that was neat! So, you ready to tell me your favorite color?

I don't get it. Vince hanging out with King Bob? It's crazy.

Randall

Hey, if you think that's crazy, you should see who Gretchen's hanging out with.

Who is Gretchen hanging out with?

Gretchen

[hanging upside-down with her new best friend, Upside-down Girl] Whoa, what a rush.

Gretchen?

Gretchen

Oh, hello, Theodore.

What are you doing?

Gretchen

Writing my essay about my new best friend, Upside-down Girl, using my space pen from NASA by the way.

But you don't even like hanging upside-down.

Gretchen

Oh, I guess that shows how much you know about me, doesn't it?

But, Gretchen…

Gretchen

Please, I don't wanna talk about it anymore. It's far too easy to throw up in this position.

This is weird. Gretchen hanging with Upside-down Girl, Vince guarding King Bob.

Randall

Gus digging with the diggers. Whoops. Did I say that out loud?

Gus

As far as I'm concerned, I don't care if I ever play with any of you guys again.

Come on, Gus, you mean you'd rather play with the diggers?

Gus

Are you kidding? Sam and Dave are great! They let me dig as much as I want, and I get to keep the shiny rocks I can find.

Hey, Griswald, break's over! Give me a number four shovel, now!

Gus

Yes, sir. I better go. My new friends need me.

Can't you tell them to wait?

Gus

Are you nuts? They'll take away my helmet.

This is terrible. I-I can't believe this is happening.

Randall

You know T.J., you look like you could use a little spiritual advice.

Mikey

Cease becoming, my friend. Begin to be.

Huh? I don't get it. How is that supposed to get me out of detention?

Mikey

Next.

[impressed] Very good, my son. You have learned well.

Mikey

Thanks, Guru Kid. You're a real friend, unlike some people.

Mikey, what are you doing?

Mikey

Communing with people who appreciate my innate spiritual gifts.

I appreciate your insane spiritual gifts, Mikey. Now put your shirt on and let's all just be friends again.

Mikey

No, T. J., I'm way too hurt to be friends with you guys anymore. Now if you'll step aside, there are kids here who need my help with some very important issues.

Care for a soda, Randall?

Randall

Gee, thanks, Miss Finster. Don't mind if I do.

I need you to do me a little favor, Randall. Somebody out there knows more than they're admitting. I want you to find out who it is.

Randall

You got it, Miss Finster. As always, it's a pleasure working with you.

It's only a matter of time.

Vince

Gus. You okay, man?

Did you crack?

Back off, guys. Give him some air.

[blowing her whistle] This investigation is officially closed. Thanks, boys. I've ID'd the perp. The culprit is… [sighs] Randall Weems.

Randall

No, I-I didn't mean to do it! It was an accident, I tell you! The mashed potatoes slipped out of my hand!

I'm very disappointed in you, Randall. My own little weasel gone bad. My world is shaken.

Randall

[berating Gus as he's being taken away] Griswald, you ratted me out! You're a tattletale, you hear me?! A TATTLETALE!!!

Detweiler! I knew I'd catch the culprit sooner or later.

Huh?

This official memo proves that you're the rapscallion who threw Principal Prickly's flip-flops on the roof.

I'm innocent, I'm telling you! Randall, you set me up.

Randall

I didn't. I... I--

You and the birthday boy can iron out your petty differences later, after one week of level-4 detention.

[as Miss Finster takes him away] I'VE BEEN FRAMED!

Randall

[laughs nervously as the rest of the gang glares at him] Anyone for a bounce?

Vince

When we catch you, we are going to bounce you to the moon!

Randall

But I threw the note in the trash! How was I supposed to know Finster would find it?

Your king craves sustenance. [points to Gretchen] You there, smart girl, design and build a restaurant, then go inside and make me something to eat.

Gretchen

[chuckles] Right away, Your Highness.

Very good. In the meantime, large thoughtful boy, give me your Winger-Dingers.

Mikey

But Your Highness, I ate all my Winger-Dingers.

That's a royal outrage! Take this Winger-Dinger singer to the dodgeball wall!

Mikey

A Winger-Dinger singer. That's me, all right.

Vince

Man, T.J.'s King Bob impression is dead-on.

You there, your king has an itchy bottom.

Randall

[lurking from a bush] That T.J. thinks he's so funny. Well, King Bob won't think so when he finds out…

[off-screen] Scribe Kid, get this down.

Randall

And it looks like he'll find out sooner than later.

Thanks a lot, Randall. I'm sorry, King Bob.

Indeed. Bring him to me. Not Detweiler, him. [gesturing to Randall]

Huh?

Randall

Maybe I wasn't clear before. T.J. was making fun of you.

Of course Detweiler was making fun of me. He's a crazy monkey boy. It's what he does. You, on the other hand, are the boy who cried "king" once too often.

Randall

I'm not sure I follow.