Mikey quotes from Recess

Gus

Maybe Santa was just having a bad day.

Mikey

Oh, that wasn't Santa.

It wasn't?

Mikey

No, that was an imposter. They come out of the woodwork this time of year.

Vince

So, where are we going now?

Mikey

To see the real Santa. He's riding in the big Christmas parade. We better hurry, or we're going to miss him.

Mikey

No! This can't be happening!

Vince

Come on, Mikey, You'll break the bubble gum record next time.

Mikey

You don't understand. There won't be a next time. There wasn't even supposed to be a this time. I'm not allowed to chew gum, because when I do, I do this. When my mom and dad find out that I got gum in my hair again, I'm gonna be grounded for a whole year!

What about using ice on your hair? I heard that works.

Mikey

Tried it before. It froze my brain.

Vince

Cooking oil?

Mikey

Urban myth.

Gus

Putting a paper bag over your head and then-- [realizes] No, wait. That's for hiccups.

Mikey

I'M DOOMED!

Calm down, big guy. We can fix it so your mom and dad will never know the difference.

Mikey

How?

All you do gotta do is get a haircut.

Mikey

But I spent all my money on gum. I don't have enough left to go to a barber.

You don't need a barber. You got one right here. Snippety-snip, problem solved.

Vince

Uh, Teej, can I talk to you for a minute? No offense, man, but are you wack? What do you know about cutting hair?

Come on. I've seen Mr. Neno do it a million times. You comb, you cut, you watch out for the ears. So, Mikey, up for the haircut?

Mikey

I don't know.

Trust me.

Mikey

[as Gus holds up the mirror, only showing his face] Could you step back a little, Gus? I can't see my hair. [Gus steps back a bit and holds up the mirror again, showing his horrible half-bald haircut; screams in horror]

Was that a good "ah" or a bad one?

Mikey

YOU RUINED MY HAIR!

Careful, Mikey. You're getting awfully close to hurting Mr. Teej's feelings.

Mikey

Your feelings?! What about my head?!

Here we go. Hmm, let's see. Seven! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven! "Great riches will soon be yours." Oh, scary. Someone else give it a shot. Come on! You guys don't buy that Stinky Peterson junk, do you?

Of course not. I pick four. One, two, three, four. "You will pass your greatest test with flying colors." Hey, that's not so bad. I think this thing's a friendly fortune teller.

Mikey

Me next.

Vince

No, me next.

Gretchen

I'm next. Logic dictates we go girl, boy, girl, boy until we run out of girls. I pick one. "You will take a trip to an exotic land." My word, that is exciting!

Gus

My turn. Oh, great fortune teller, what wonders await me? Great riches? Fame? Adventure, perhaps? I pick five. One, two, three, four, five. "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow is your final day?" Hey! What kind of fortune is that?

Vince

Come on, Gus. None of that stuff's gonna come true. I mean, it's hard enough to imagine Spinelli getting rich and Gretchen taking a trip, but T.J. passing a test with flying colors? Get real.

Congratulations and karma kudos, T.J. Detweiler. I know one smart boy whose aura is going to glow all.

101%?

Gretchen

But that can't be right! I only got 100%.

Mikey

Wow! T.J. Passed his test with flying colors! It's just as the fortune teller foretold.

[amazed] Wow, Guster, what a set of lungs!

Mikey

Yeah, but maybe you shouldn't have finished your milk first. I mean, aren't you gonna need it for your peanut butter sandwich?

Gus

I couldn't help myself, guys. I love chocolate milk. Whoever thought that putting candy in milk was a genius. [takes a bite of his sandwich] An evil genius. Be right back.

Gus

Not that I don't love leaves, but what's going on today, anyway?

Gretchen

The town's bustling because the 60-year-old statue of Thaddeus T. Third III has been returned to its rightful place in front of the school that bears his name.

Mikey

Gee! I don't remember any statue ever being out here.

That's because it's been overseas for eight years getting shined and--

Gretchen

Thaddeus T. Third III!

Mikey

He's so regal! His chiseled features seem to say, "I'm an important fellow."

Not to me, Mikey. To me they say, "Hop on, Jasper! I'm built for climbing."

Mr. Mayor, distinguished guests, "big story news" team. It is an honor to host this "Welcome back, Thad" celebration, welcoming back a man with whom we all grew up, a man for whom this street and school are named. A man named... Thaddeus T. Third III!

[chuckles cheekily] How you doin', folks?

He's going over! BAIL!

You gettin' this?

[outraged] Prickly! Do you know what this means?!

[before Prickly could say anything] He certainly does, Mr. Mayor. [to the gang] You six are in the biggest trouble ever!

Man, oh, man. My mom and dad didn't take too kindly to the news last night.

Gus

Pop says I'm not allowed to have another accident until I'm 35.

Mikey

People were crying in the interviews! It was tearing me apart!

Look, first thing we do when we get to school, is knock on Prickly's door, explain our side of the story, and apologize up and down.

Vince

Good idea, Teej. That should clear things up. [Later at school, they're watching Randall and some other kids playing in a leaf pile] Poppin' bobula! Randall just got first flop in our leaf pile!

[closing the window blinds] No window-gazing for you six! Time to start your punishment. Now, I can make this difficult, or I can make this difficult.

Miss Finster, ma'am, before detention, we would like to speak to Principal Prickly.

Ha! For obvious political reasons, Principal Prickly can't afford to be seen with you. Now, follow me... Vandals!

Gus

Gee, Miss Finster, I don't know if I like being called a vandal.

Maybe your new outfits will help you feel the part.

[confused] New outfits?

My, my! Don't we look so very...orange? I trust "the Destructive Six" are feeling constructive today?

Yes, sure we do, Miss Finster, but when do we get to tell people how sorry we are?

Enough back talk! Time to receive your new tools. [holds out a bucket of soap and water and six toothbrushes]

Gus

But I already brushed my teeth.

Oh, they're not for your teeth. [laughs evilly]

Mikey

[tearfully] It's hard to tell where the onion-crying stops and the loss-of-a-carefree-childhood crying begins.

Gretchen

It's going to be okay, Mikey.

Vince

What are you talking about, "brains?" We're in the biggest trouble ever!

Gretchen

I'm perfectly aware our situation is hopeless, Vince. I was really trying to console Mikey.

Guys, we got to stay together. The adults are already doing enough to punish us. We shouldn't punish each other.

Board the bus in an orderly and harmonic fashion, and please have your signed permission slips ready.

[holding her permission slip] Ah, the good ol' "get-out-of-class-free" card.

[takes out his permission slip] This is one note from school I'm happy to have my parents sign.

Gus

[checking his pockets, realizing he doesn't have his permission slip] Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!

Don't tell me you forgot your permission slip, Gus.

Gus

I had it this morning. My dad signed it at breakfast, and then he must've put it in his pocket by mistake!

Mikey

Maybe your father could bring it from his office.

Gus

He's not at the office. He's out with the whole division having war games, and Mom's out looking at drapes.

Not to worry, Gus. Miss Grotke will understand.

Thank you, Phil. Watch your step, Judy.

Miss Grotke, we got a problem.

Gus forgot his permission slip.

Oh, my, that is a problem. Without a permission slip, Gus, you can't go. It's school policy.

Mikey

That was really strange.

Miss Grotke never got a phone call in class before.

Vince

Or ran out of school without asking us if we had any questions.

Gus

Yeah, and she didn't flash us her usual two-sign.

Gretchen

That's a peace sign, Gus.

Gretchen

Look, that MO sticker on the bumper. That's the international abbreviation for Moldavakia.

Gus

Moldavakia?

Where the heck is that?

Gretchen

Moldavakia is a former Eastern Bloc country famous for its luge team, tiny ceramic gnomes, and espionage.

Of course! The mysterious phone call, the weird guy from Moldy-vakia, this creepy fog hanging around the school... There's no other explanation. Miss Grotke's a spy!

Gus

A spy?

Gretchen

My word.

A fourth grade teacher... What a great cover.

Mikey

I can't believe it. I won't believe it.

Believe it, Mikey. The box with a star for Miss Grotke's "program"... I'm telling you guys, all the evidence points in one direction: S-P-I.

Gretchen

Actually, it's S-P-Y, but T.J. makes a rather compelling argument.

Gus

But wait a second. Is she one of ours or one of theirs?

Your king craves sustenance. [points to Gretchen] You there, smart girl, design and build a restaurant, then go inside and make me something to eat.

Gretchen

[chuckles] Right away, Your Highness.

Very good. In the meantime, large thoughtful boy, give me your Winger-Dingers.

Mikey

But Your Highness, I ate all my Winger-Dingers.

That's a royal outrage! Take this Winger-Dinger singer to the dodgeball wall!

Mikey

A Winger-Dinger singer. That's me, all right.

Vince

Man, T.J.'s King Bob impression is dead-on.

You there, your king has an itchy bottom.

Randall

[lurking from a bush] That T.J. thinks he's so funny. Well, King Bob won't think so when he finds out…

[off-screen] Scribe Kid, get this down.

Randall

And it looks like he'll find out sooner than later.

Gretchen

What are we going to do with all those smackeroonies?

Well, Gretch, I've got a couple of ideas. I'm gonna use the money to buy a skyscraper or a rocket. Here's the tender part. Either way, I'm doing my shopping in a jetpack!

Kid stuff. I'm using my share to start the world's coolest sport. It'll be a combination of pro-wrestling and bowling I call, "Strikeout!" Of course, I'll referee things for my jetpack.

Gretchen

Interesting notions, Spinelli, but I plan to use my unexpected windfall to help others, by researching and curing all diseases. Yes, it worked! I did it! I found the cure! Thank you! Of course, I'll use a jetpack to survey the beautiful world I've saved.

Mikey

That sounds wonderful, Gretchen, but there's only one way I would spend this fortuitous fortune. I'll pay off my tab at Kelso's, and then I'll give Mr. Kelso a ride on my jetpack!

About time you paid up, Mikey.

Vince

Well, I'm a rich kid who likes the sea. I'm going to get the most beautiful yacht I can find and sail it all over the world. And I'll never have to dock it. 'Cause I'll just fly to it on my J.P.

Classy, Vince. Very classy.

Gus

I will build a better jetpack. I'll even test-pilot it myself. [screams as he flies too high] How do I stop this thing?! [back to reality] Or maybe I'll just buy monster stickers.