Gretchen quotes from Recess

Gus

Not that I don't love leaves, but what's going on today, anyway?

Gretchen

The town's bustling because the 60-year-old statue of Thaddeus T. Third III has been returned to its rightful place in front of the school that bears his name.

Mikey

Gee! I don't remember any statue ever being out here.

That's because it's been overseas for eight years getting shined and--

Gretchen

Thaddeus T. Third III!

Mikey

He's so regal! His chiseled features seem to say, "I'm an important fellow."

Not to me, Mikey. To me they say, "Hop on, Jasper! I'm built for climbing."

Mr. Mayor, distinguished guests, "big story news" team. It is an honor to host this "Welcome back, Thad" celebration, welcoming back a man with whom we all grew up, a man for whom this street and school are named. A man named... Thaddeus T. Third III!

[chuckles cheekily] How you doin', folks?

He's going over! BAIL!

You gettin' this?

[outraged] Prickly! Do you know what this means?!

[before Prickly could say anything] He certainly does, Mr. Mayor. [to the gang] You six are in the biggest trouble ever!

Mikey

[tearfully] It's hard to tell where the onion-crying stops and the loss-of-a-carefree-childhood crying begins.

Gretchen

It's going to be okay, Mikey.

Vince

What are you talking about, "brains?" We're in the biggest trouble ever!

Gretchen

I'm perfectly aware our situation is hopeless, Vince. I was really trying to console Mikey.

Guys, we got to stay together. The adults are already doing enough to punish us. We shouldn't punish each other.

[opening her daughter's bedroom door] Gretchen, dear, are you still up?

Gretchen

Just finishing my homework, Mom.

Oh, look at all that. You know, this new quadruple homework mandate is a bit excessive.

No sighing in detention, Detweiler.

Yes, Miss Finster. Sorry, Miss Finster.

Vince

Man, the playground just isn't the same when Teej is in detention.

Gretchen

True. In his absence, we average a startling four or fewer laughs per recess.

Look, I like Teej as much as the next kid, but it's recess, and we have to have fun.

Mikey

That was really strange.

Miss Grotke never got a phone call in class before.

Vince

Or ran out of school without asking us if we had any questions.

Gus

Yeah, and she didn't flash us her usual two-sign.

Gretchen

That's a peace sign, Gus.

Gretchen

Look, that MO sticker on the bumper. That's the international abbreviation for Moldavakia.

Gus

Moldavakia?

Where the heck is that?

Gretchen

Moldavakia is a former Eastern Bloc country famous for its luge team, tiny ceramic gnomes, and espionage.

Of course! The mysterious phone call, the weird guy from Moldy-vakia, this creepy fog hanging around the school... There's no other explanation. Miss Grotke's a spy!

Gus

A spy?

Gretchen

My word.

A fourth grade teacher... What a great cover.

Mikey

I can't believe it. I won't believe it.

Believe it, Mikey. The box with a star for Miss Grotke's "program"... I'm telling you guys, all the evidence points in one direction: S-P-I.

Gretchen

Actually, it's S-P-Y, but T.J. makes a rather compelling argument.

Gus

But wait a second. Is she one of ours or one of theirs?

I was at the breakfast table, putting on my boots and picking through a box of Crusher Krispies, and that's when it happened.

Vince

What happened?

The toy surprise was missing from your box.

Worse than that. My mom tells me that after school today, she's taking me to that new museum!

Gus

The Glamour Puss Museum of makeup, wigs, and pantyhose?!

Bingo. [the others gasp in shock] I think it's another of my mom's plans to make me girlie and junk.

My heart goes out to you, Spinelli.

I was thinking it'd be a lot less boring looking around at all that lipstick and fru fru girlie junk if someone was there to kind of hang out with me.

Vince

Whoa... Oh, no, I'm not going in that place.

Yeah, I'm kind of busy.

Gus

I've got my reputation to worry about.

Thanks, guys, but I was hoping Gretchen could come.

Gretchen

Well, though I seldom pass up a museum, a cosmetics museum doesn't exactly sound like my cup of tea.

You got to help me. I need another kid along so I can goof off and be myself. I'll be bored out of my skull if you don't come. Please?

Gretchen

Oh, for you... Why not? It'll be a girls' day out.

Yes, Gretch! You are the best friend a girl could ever have.

Your king craves sustenance. [points to Gretchen] You there, smart girl, design and build a restaurant, then go inside and make me something to eat.

Gretchen

[chuckles] Right away, Your Highness.

Very good. In the meantime, large thoughtful boy, give me your Winger-Dingers.

Mikey

But Your Highness, I ate all my Winger-Dingers.

That's a royal outrage! Take this Winger-Dinger singer to the dodgeball wall!

Mikey

A Winger-Dinger singer. That's me, all right.

Vince

Man, T.J.'s King Bob impression is dead-on.

You there, your king has an itchy bottom.

Randall

[lurking from a bush] That T.J. thinks he's so funny. Well, King Bob won't think so when he finds out…

[off-screen] Scribe Kid, get this down.

Randall

And it looks like he'll find out sooner than later.

Why so heavy on the books, Gretch?

Gretchen

We have to do research so we can successfully explore the topic and come up with a unique idea in which to focus.

That's great, Gretch, but we don't have to do any of that research stuff.

Gretchen

We don't have to do research?

Nah, I already got a great project all figured out. All we need are some sweet supplies and 20 minutes, tops. [winks]

Gretchen

[unsure] I don't know. We'll be better off with a project that requires real work. Since I know you like tools, I thought a project demonstrating the Irrigation of Ancient Mesopotamia might be just our ticket.

Irritation of Meso-who?

Gretchen

Irrigation of Ancient Mesopotamia. It was the cradle of civilization.

Oh, yeah, back when civilization was a baby.

Gretchen

Look, T.J., I have an abundance of material to get through, so if you don't mind...

Okay, Gretch, but I'm telling you I got a project that just can't fail.

Gretchen

Well, I'm going to read about this just in case. Try not to make too much noise.

Gretchen

So you guys didn't get upset with T.J.?

Vince

Heck no. T.J. was just being T.J.

Yeah, Gretch, and with your smarts and T.J.'s style, you're looking at the easiest project you've ever done.

Gretchen

You know something, Spinelli? You might just have a point. Why am I fighting the charm, the verve, the unmitigated moxie that is T.J. Detweiler?

Gus

You can't do it. It can't be done.

Gretchen

My friends, this time around, I'm going to do the smart thing.

Gretchen

What are we going to do with all those smackeroonies?

Well, Gretch, I've got a couple of ideas. I'm gonna use the money to buy a skyscraper or a rocket. Here's the tender part. Either way, I'm doing my shopping in a jetpack!

Kid stuff. I'm using my share to start the world's coolest sport. It'll be a combination of pro-wrestling and bowling I call, "Strikeout!" Of course, I'll referee things for my jetpack.

Gretchen

Interesting notions, Spinelli, but I plan to use my unexpected windfall to help others, by researching and curing all diseases. Yes, it worked! I did it! I found the cure! Thank you! Of course, I'll use a jetpack to survey the beautiful world I've saved.

Mikey

That sounds wonderful, Gretchen, but there's only one way I would spend this fortuitous fortune. I'll pay off my tab at Kelso's, and then I'll give Mr. Kelso a ride on my jetpack!

About time you paid up, Mikey.

Vince

Well, I'm a rich kid who likes the sea. I'm going to get the most beautiful yacht I can find and sail it all over the world. And I'll never have to dock it. 'Cause I'll just fly to it on my J.P.

Classy, Vince. Very classy.

Gus

I will build a better jetpack. I'll even test-pilot it myself. [screams as he flies too high] How do I stop this thing?! [back to reality] Or maybe I'll just buy monster stickers.