T.J quotes from Recess

[enraged when Gus' trap accidentally drops the cage on her, which was meant for Gelman] GRISWALD!!!

Y-you was gonna trap me in that thing?

That's right, Gelman. You step out of line once more and bam! You're Finster-ized.

[kindly] Uh... children. [the gang turns to her; infuriated] GET ME OUT OF HERE!

[amazed] Wow, Guster, what a set of lungs!

Mikey

Yeah, but maybe you shouldn't have finished your milk first. I mean, aren't you gonna need it for your peanut butter sandwich?

Gus

I couldn't help myself, guys. I love chocolate milk. Whoever thought that putting candy in milk was a genius. [takes a bite of his sandwich] An evil genius. Be right back.

Oh, man, I got more food on me from cleaning than I did in battle!

Gus

Guys, I can put an end to this if I just told on…

[as he and the others cover his mouth; sternly] Don't say it, Gus.

Gus

But you don't understand! It was… [his friends cover his mouth again]

Gus, I'm serious. Don't say it. That'll make you a tattletale.

Vince

Yeah, and being a tattletale is against the kids' unwritten code of honor.

Gus

Are you sure? I mean, it is unwritten and all.

Gretchen

Not anymore, Gus. Behold, the code has now been issued on this convenient and durable laminated reference card.

[reading] "Tattletale go to jail. Stick your head in a garbage pail." [sighs] It's pretty clear, all right.

Vince

Gus. You okay, man?

Did you crack?

Back off, guys. Give him some air.

[blowing her whistle] This investigation is officially closed. Thanks, boys. I've ID'd the perp. The culprit is… [sighs] Randall Weems.

Randall

No, I-I didn't mean to do it! It was an accident, I tell you! The mashed potatoes slipped out of my hand!

I'm very disappointed in you, Randall. My own little weasel gone bad. My world is shaken.

Randall

[berating Gus as he's being taken away] Griswald, you ratted me out! You're a tattletale, you hear me?! A TATTLETALE!!!

Detweiler! I knew I'd catch the culprit sooner or later.

Huh?

This official memo proves that you're the rapscallion who threw Principal Prickly's flip-flops on the roof.

I'm innocent, I'm telling you! Randall, you set me up.

Randall

I didn't. I... I--

You and the birthday boy can iron out your petty differences later, after one week of level-4 detention.

[as Miss Finster takes him away] I'VE BEEN FRAMED!

Randall

[laughs nervously as the rest of the gang glares at him] Anyone for a bounce?

Vince

When we catch you, we are going to bounce you to the moon!

Randall

But I threw the note in the trash! How was I supposed to know Finster would find it?

Gus

Not that I don't love leaves, but what's going on today, anyway?

Gretchen

The town's bustling because the 60-year-old statue of Thaddeus T. Third III has been returned to its rightful place in front of the school that bears his name.

Mikey

Gee! I don't remember any statue ever being out here.

That's because it's been overseas for eight years getting shined and--

Gretchen

Thaddeus T. Third III!

Mikey

He's so regal! His chiseled features seem to say, "I'm an important fellow."

Not to me, Mikey. To me they say, "Hop on, Jasper! I'm built for climbing."

Mr. Mayor, distinguished guests, "big story news" team. It is an honor to host this "Welcome back, Thad" celebration, welcoming back a man with whom we all grew up, a man for whom this street and school are named. A man named... Thaddeus T. Third III!

[chuckles cheekily] How you doin', folks?

He's going over! BAIL!

You gettin' this?

[outraged] Prickly! Do you know what this means?!

[before Prickly could say anything] He certainly does, Mr. Mayor. [to the gang] You six are in the biggest trouble ever!

Man, oh, man. My mom and dad didn't take too kindly to the news last night.

Gus

Pop says I'm not allowed to have another accident until I'm 35.

Mikey

People were crying in the interviews! It was tearing me apart!

Look, first thing we do when we get to school, is knock on Prickly's door, explain our side of the story, and apologize up and down.

Vince

Good idea, Teej. That should clear things up. [Later at school, they're watching Randall and some other kids playing in a leaf pile] Poppin' bobula! Randall just got first flop in our leaf pile!

[closing the window blinds] No window-gazing for you six! Time to start your punishment. Now, I can make this difficult, or I can make this difficult.

Miss Finster, ma'am, before detention, we would like to speak to Principal Prickly.

Ha! For obvious political reasons, Principal Prickly can't afford to be seen with you. Now, follow me... Vandals!

Gus

Gee, Miss Finster, I don't know if I like being called a vandal.

Maybe your new outfits will help you feel the part.

[confused] New outfits?

My, my! Don't we look so very...orange? I trust "the Destructive Six" are feeling constructive today?

Yes, sure we do, Miss Finster, but when do we get to tell people how sorry we are?

Enough back talk! Time to receive your new tools. [holds out a bucket of soap and water and six toothbrushes]

Gus

But I already brushed my teeth.

Oh, they're not for your teeth. [laughs evilly]

Mikey

[tearfully] It's hard to tell where the onion-crying stops and the loss-of-a-carefree-childhood crying begins.

Gretchen

It's going to be okay, Mikey.

Vince

What are you talking about, "brains?" We're in the biggest trouble ever!

Gretchen

I'm perfectly aware our situation is hopeless, Vince. I was really trying to console Mikey.

Guys, we got to stay together. The adults are already doing enough to punish us. We shouldn't punish each other.

Any chance you have a plan for this one, Detweiler?

No, ma'am, I do not.

And after much deliberation, we here at City Hall have decided to break up "the Destructive Six," and scatter them throughout the district.

Mr. Mayor, can I say something?

I don't know. Can you?

Sorry, sir. May I say something?

That's better.

Your Honor, this whole time we've been trying to say how sorry we are that the statue broke, so here it is-- We're sorry. We didn't mean to break it. Heck, we thought we were supposed to climb it. I guess we weren't. But the thing is, a priceless statue doesn't feel anything when it gets all broken up, but, sir, a friendship like ours sure does.

Yeah, well. After some deliberation, we agree what you said was very nice. However, a beloved statue has been broken because you climbed on it, and now you all must pay!

No sighing in detention, Detweiler.

Yes, Miss Finster. Sorry, Miss Finster.

Vince

Man, the playground just isn't the same when Teej is in detention.

Gretchen

True. In his absence, we average a startling four or fewer laughs per recess.

Look, I like Teej as much as the next kid, but it's recess, and we have to have fun.

Board the bus in an orderly and harmonic fashion, and please have your signed permission slips ready.

[holding her permission slip] Ah, the good ol' "get-out-of-class-free" card.

[takes out his permission slip] This is one note from school I'm happy to have my parents sign.

Gus

[checking his pockets, realizing he doesn't have his permission slip] Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!

Don't tell me you forgot your permission slip, Gus.

Gus

I had it this morning. My dad signed it at breakfast, and then he must've put it in his pocket by mistake!

Mikey

Maybe your father could bring it from his office.

Gus

He's not at the office. He's out with the whole division having war games, and Mom's out looking at drapes.

Not to worry, Gus. Miss Grotke will understand.

Thank you, Phil. Watch your step, Judy.

Miss Grotke, we got a problem.

Gus forgot his permission slip.

Oh, my, that is a problem. Without a permission slip, Gus, you can't go. It's school policy.

Gretchen

Look, that MO sticker on the bumper. That's the international abbreviation for Moldavakia.

Gus

Moldavakia?

Where the heck is that?

Gretchen

Moldavakia is a former Eastern Bloc country famous for its luge team, tiny ceramic gnomes, and espionage.

Of course! The mysterious phone call, the weird guy from Moldy-vakia, this creepy fog hanging around the school... There's no other explanation. Miss Grotke's a spy!

Gus

A spy?

Gretchen

My word.

A fourth grade teacher... What a great cover.

Mikey

I can't believe it. I won't believe it.

Believe it, Mikey. The box with a star for Miss Grotke's "program"... I'm telling you guys, all the evidence points in one direction: S-P-I.

Gretchen

Actually, it's S-P-Y, but T.J. makes a rather compelling argument.

Gus

But wait a second. Is she one of ours or one of theirs?

I was at the breakfast table, putting on my boots and picking through a box of Crusher Krispies, and that's when it happened.

Vince

What happened?

The toy surprise was missing from your box.

Worse than that. My mom tells me that after school today, she's taking me to that new museum!

Gus

The Glamour Puss Museum of makeup, wigs, and pantyhose?!

Bingo. [the others gasp in shock] I think it's another of my mom's plans to make me girlie and junk.

My heart goes out to you, Spinelli.

I was thinking it'd be a lot less boring looking around at all that lipstick and fru fru girlie junk if someone was there to kind of hang out with me.

Vince

Whoa... Oh, no, I'm not going in that place.

Yeah, I'm kind of busy.

Gus

I've got my reputation to worry about.

Thanks, guys, but I was hoping Gretchen could come.

Gretchen

Well, though I seldom pass up a museum, a cosmetics museum doesn't exactly sound like my cup of tea.

You got to help me. I need another kid along so I can goof off and be myself. I'll be bored out of my skull if you don't come. Please?

Gretchen

Oh, for you... Why not? It'll be a girls' day out.

Yes, Gretch! You are the best friend a girl could ever have.

Your king craves sustenance. [points to Gretchen] You there, smart girl, design and build a restaurant, then go inside and make me something to eat.

Gretchen

[chuckles] Right away, Your Highness.

Very good. In the meantime, large thoughtful boy, give me your Winger-Dingers.

Mikey

But Your Highness, I ate all my Winger-Dingers.

That's a royal outrage! Take this Winger-Dinger singer to the dodgeball wall!

Mikey

A Winger-Dinger singer. That's me, all right.

Vince

Man, T.J.'s King Bob impression is dead-on.

You there, your king has an itchy bottom.

Randall

[lurking from a bush] That T.J. thinks he's so funny. Well, King Bob won't think so when he finds out…

[off-screen] Scribe Kid, get this down.

Randall

And it looks like he'll find out sooner than later.