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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no. No one is allowed in the boat. Didn't you read the contract?
Oh, yeah, I read every word. That's why my daughter's wearing a snorkel on a road trip.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
The only doctor I go to is Dr. Vajajay. ...He's Indian. That's his name. He looks after my hoo-hah.
Gross.
I assure you, it is not.
[Burt is panicking about his colonoscopy]
Get me the hell out of here. I don't want to die with a camera up my poop chute!
Dad, it says "unlikely."
"Unlikely"? Unlikely things happen all the time. Michael Jordan grew a Hitler mustache. That came out of nowhere. Nowhere!
You can't live your life without taking risks. Sometimes you've just got to jump in and marry the grocery bagger with the serial killer's baby. ...That happened to somebody I know.
Hey! How's it going?
It's tough. I haven't found that thing. You know, that muse thing.
[Grins, points to herself] Ooh! What about me? I can be your muse.
Okay, cards on the table: I'm not entirely clear on what a muse is or does.
How am I supposed to do a rebirthing? I've never even seen an actual birth. Hope was born in a jail.
Frank and I could help you.
Oh, yeah, totally. Rebirthing ceremonies are simple.
[Jimmy and Barney give Frank a look]
Sometimes insomnia can drive a man to the deep dark corners of the Internet.
[Burt and Virginia are pretending to be lawyers]
Mr. Lennox, is it true that you decapitate puppies as a hobby? ...Withdrawn. Weren't you a member of the Taliban? ...Withdrawn. A pedophile? ..Withdrawn. A thief? ..Withdrawn. Defecated in an avocado field? ...Withdrawn!
JJudge
Mr. Chance, enough of this. Damn Law and Order ruined an entire generation of lawyers.
Bet those snobs in the hoity-toity neighborhood don't have to deal with their power going out.
Jimmy, speaking of which, that's us. Let's go home.
You were right, Burt. I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
That's okay. I'm almost never right. You were just playing the odds.
So did you and Sabrina enjoy your night alone last night?
Yeah, it was great. I think I tweaked my neck. Sabrina had me doing all sorts of crazy stuff.
Really?
Well, with Hope out of the house, we could get down to all the dirty stuff on our list.
You have a list??
It was exhausting. We did it all. You know, I shampooed the carpet for, like, an hour. She cleaned the chimney. It was filthy. We were both pretty sore this morning, but, uh, she still had me mulch her flower box.
Wow.
Yeah, well, next time you guys take Hope, I'm gonna oil up her chest in our bedroom.
Now you're talking.
It takes a while. She hasn't really taken care of it in years. It's kind of gross underneath.
[Grimaces] Well, still, a chest is a chest.
It is a nice chest. It's not as old or as beautiful as Maw Maw's.
[Gags] I'm sorry, when you say "oil up her chest," what exactly do you mean?
I mean just get some linseed oil and polish up the antique chest that Sabrina's uncle left us.
Oh.
What did you think?
I thought you were talking about you and Sabrina having weird sex, and then, briefly, you wanting to feel up your great-grandmother.
Obama made a law where everybody has to have affordable car insurance. It's called Obama-Car.
You should definitely do a protest. Paint signs, chain yourself to each other. Even if it takes all day marching around in the hot, blazing sun.
God, I'm so glad you're into this. We should get started.
Wait, I have to go with you?
You did it! You guys did what my environmental group could never do: Something.
You know, this wouldn't be our house if we just stayed with Jimmy and Sabrina.
No way. It's one thing to mooch off my grandmother, I'm not about to mooch off my own son. I have pride, Burt. Okay, the car wash is open. Let's go sneak a shower.
[Blindfolded] Okay, that was interesting. Moist, chewy... I don't want to say "soapy" but it had a quality to it...
Burt, you just took a bite out of a sponge I left on the table!
Hmm... better than I would have thought.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Raising Hope pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.