Raising Hope · Season 1
[The Chances visit the doctor to learn more about Jimmy's talent and memory loss]
...and I haven't been able to remember anything, and I haven't been able to play the piano or sing ever since.
That's fascinating! Because when you guys walked in here, I thought for sure you were looking for oxycontin.
[to Jimmy after he realizes he used to know how to perform] Okay, fine... at one point in your life, you might have been a little... amazingly talented.
I cut myself off. I'd would rather live like crap on money that I earned myself than live like a princess on money that somebody else gave me.
[The Chances burst out laughing]
That is the dumbest thing I ever heard.
Money you don't have to work for is the best kind.
It's like getting paid for not having a job. It's the best kind of job not to have.
Oh, my God, you think you're better than them.
That's-that's Not what I'm s--Okay, the thing is, is that what--Oh, come on, you got to give me Frank; I'm better than Frank.
No, you're not. You're smarter and less creepy than Frank, but Frank is better at not feeling superior to people.
That's the reason your father's always hated cauliflower.
No, I thought it was because it's not a real flower and it looks like brains.
Fine, he has a lot of good reasons to hate cauliflower.
Look, we're both straight. We're just two straight guys kissing, thinking about girls.
How about this? How about you go find a girl?
Dude, we live in an RV. We eat leftovers out of hotel hallways. That's, I mean, there aren't going to be any girls.
We are sparing no expenses since my Air Force officer just got a big fat bonus for--well, I can't tell you why, but let's just say the Israelis are gonna get blamed for it.
You gonna go? I didn't really think you were the Vegas type.
That's because you only really know "Daddy" Jimmy. You don't know "sex in the back of my van with a serial killer" Jimmy. I used to be a wild man before this little ball-and-chain came and threw a wet blanket on my party fire.
Oh.
She is cute, though, isn't she? Oh, Daddy can't do nothing anymore now you came along, you little cutie patootie. [babbling baby talk]
You need to party.
We don't care for Jeremy; he's a bit difficult.
Jeremy's a fart face.
Eat your dinner before it melts.
Popsicles and olives? Have we just given up?
[Jimmy and Sabrina are watching Frank serve a woman at the deli counter]
"Yo, my parents named me Frank, 'cause they love tube-shaped meat."
Let me do the lady. "I'll take a quarter pound of the chicken salad."
But that's what she would probably say.
I know. That's why I said it.
Yeah, you don't get what we're doing, do you?
Burt, I will steal coins from a fountain, I'll even do clinical drug trials again, as long as I'm not the placebo; I don't like feeling tricked. But there is no amount of gold that's worth rummaging through that lady's butt custard.
So I take it Burt's relationship with his parents is kind of estranged?
Oh, no, it's completely strange.
Two malaprops in a row. God, I love this family.
Here you go, Brucie, a dollar for every "A." Keep getting grades like that, I'm going to have to get a second job.
Hey, I got two "A's" on my report card.
You know what else has two "A's"? "Jackass."
(laughing) We don't mean to laugh, but your brother's very clever. "Jackass" does have two "A's" in it. In the spellin--there's two "A's" in the--Go play with your trucks.
What about a TV channel just for news? Wait - they'll have to fill up too many hours and resort to sensationalizing non-issues and stirring up partisan bickering. Scratch that idea. It sucks.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Raising Hope pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
