[On the Ordovician-Silurian extinction caused by moss]
There is a moss that destroys itself: Kate Moss
[Later]
Bitchin' about lichen.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Bicycling did cause a lot of men to get rather angry and concerned about the fact that women were doing it. Do you know the reason?
Cos they were free. They were allowed to move.
Yes. Exactly.
If they move, what else are they gonna do? Vote? Think? Be allowed on panel shows? No! We’ve got to stop this! It’s dangerous.
I like the idea of the man coming home early from work and the wife’s in bed with a bicycle.
[About the klaxon.] Why weren’t things going off then? If I’d said things, it would all have gone off!
Finally you’ve worked out the pattern.
Whenever you guessing things, it goes off! That’s how it works. Just cos she’s a girl.
Oh, now.
Aw, she’s a girl who knew the right answer.
Who invented the motorway?
Mr. Way.
Last night, I tossed two heads at the same time...[general facepalming]
[On America]
This is also the country where nine out of ten high-school graduates think Joan of Arc was Noah's wife, so...
[Stephen has just performed a magic card-out of a bag trick]
It's like Paul Daniels was in the room.
He was in the bag.
I suffer from a fatal condition Aisling, which is: posh voice, no money.
I don't think it's possible to come on this programme and not discuss the penis.
Not while I've got breath in my body, Sandi
So it is the species that most has to be utterly motionless during sex that we've discovered.
Is it nuns?
[On consummation of marriage by proxy ]
I think they had to check them, medically, beforehand because they didn't want a poxy proxy.
Many supposedly monogamous birds have a tit on the side.
I've never had, in 14 years, people eating sweets in the front row.
What the hell?
And now I can't think about anything else!
[Jimmy Carr gets up, takes the bag of sweets from the audience member, hands it to Alan and returns to his seat]
You can have them back at the end of the lesson!
I feel really bad for those people. 'Cause, obviously, you're just sat there watching an episode of QI and then, suddenly, the telly gets up and nicks your sweets!
[Discussing Midlife Crises]
DBDanny Bhoy
I went to my Doctor and I said "I hate The West and want all the infidels dead." He said "Don't worry, you're going through a mid-life ISIS."
The awkward thing about midlife crises is I've had some friends that have gone through them recently. They've left their partners, gone out with much younger women and bought sports cars. And the most difficult thing is pretending to my other half! "Aw, that's terrible! Isn't it sad?"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's QI pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.