QI · Season 1
[After being asked a question, Jimmy tries to answer, but Aisling hits her buzzer at the same time causing him to stop.]
No, keep going. Does this buzzer stop Jimmy speaking? Try again?
I was just gonna say to...
[Aisling hits her buzzer again and Jimmy stops abruptly.]
I find the buzzers really disconcerting. It does feel like somebody’s about to get murdered.
[On Stephen's 'posh' accent.] I know you think you’re doing a voice, but that is how you talk.
You're a beast.
Silver’s not a colour, no.
Oh, I love this show.
It’s midsummer in the UK. To the nearest hour, what time does day become night?
10?
[Forfeit klaxon goes off – 10PM]
I was gonna say 1.
[Forfeit klaxon goes off – 1AM]
Is it..? I’m only saying this, I’ve got no rationale at all, is it noon? Because it’s always something weird on this show. ‘Oh no, it’s actually night time in the middle of the day. You’re all idiots, you’ve been doing it wrong.’
In midsummer, there is no night in Britain.
There’s no night. There’s no night, Danny. [Runs a hand over his face.]
It’s constant twilight.
Oh, bollocks. It gets dark. [Runs both hands over his face.]
Constant Twilight sounds like a really good indie album.
It does, doesn’t it?
When is the best time to charge your mobile phone?
At night!
That’s good. Yeah. Might be.
Oh, really? I thought that would go off. ‘There is no night, you fool!’
[Alan is in a horse costume.]
Can I say, I don’t think we’re getting the best out of my costume.
Show the ladies and gentlemen.
Look, I’ve got a tail. And I’ve got feet and everything. And it’s all out of sight below the desk, Stephen.
Now, the queen has a Christmas message, as do we. In fact, as we approach the end of series 13, it’s time for us to reveal every episode of QI, every single one, since the very first, has included a secret message which nobody has spotted. Where is it hidden?
Is it on your face? Have you just encrypted some delightful laughter lines into some... perhaps it’s in Klingon. Merry Christmas.
It’s not on my face.
[In response to the www.alan0andstephenhero.com hidden in the theme tune, Alan is hiding under his horse mask when a sudden noise happens.]
What the hell was that?
It’s a light.
Was it a lamp?
No, he’s got a bad ankle. I’m just taking him out. I can’t afford to keep him, okay?
I absolutely shat myself.
Absolutely shat yourself, my god.
Now, who’s the worst person to sit next to at a silent movie?
[Alan burps.]
Alan Davies.
How much sleep does a paradoxical insomniac get?
Paradoxical... lots?
Well, yes. He does.
More than he thinks.
Yes.
It’s like a paradoxical kleptomaniac who leaves things in shops.
Anyone who takes photographs at a concert should be thrown out. Out of the country.
You definitely have a man-cave, the question is: do you have two?
...no...?!
I didn't have many toys when I grew up.
Your body is a wonderful toy...
In a war between the grass and the grass-eaters, who wins?
The grass...
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - THE GRASS]
...eaters.
You said the grass-eaters? Thank you.
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - THE GRASS-EATERS]
At school, if we were going on a dawn raid or something like that, they’d say...
Sorry?
Do a raid on the kitchens and steal jelly and things.
I forgot you grew up in an Enid Blyton novel. To get your catapult back from the teacher?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's QI pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
