TV show quotes
[On the word "hello", as opposed to "hullo"]
It just meant an expression of surprise—"Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" And we still use it in that sense.
Do we?
… Don't we, Bill?
Yes, when we live our lives like 1950s detective films, yes. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say, mother, where's the milk?"
You beast, you beast, you utter, utter, beast.
[Alan holds up his board. It says, ‘sit look rub panda.’]
I don’t know, it’s like occupational therapy in an old people’s home. Oh, hello, what have you got here?
[Reading his board.] ‘Put smarties tubes on cats legs make them walk like a robot’.
Brilliant. That is absolutely wonderful. He’s used all his letters.
That is unbe-fucking-lievable. It makes sense. They would walk like a robot. It’s an idea. It’s like giving people an idea.
It puts this completely to shame. [He holds his board up. It says, ‘gay elf romp’.]
I can’t even imagine how you managed to do that!
No, I’m sure you can’t, Alan.
It does work, actually. It’s a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
How many amoebas does it takes to change a lightbulb? One. No, two. No, four. No, eight …
They are homophones. They do sound the same … and they hate gay people.
[After Alan incorrectly guesses that Julius Caesar was born by Caesarian section.]
We don't know anything particularly extraordinary about his birth, we just wanted, uh, Laughing Boy [gestures to Alan] here to fall into the trap.
How many moons does the earth have?
Two.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - TWO]
We did this last series!
Yes, but Alan, that was last year. There have been three more discovered.
Oh, shut up!
Do you know what "biscuit" means? What its derivation is? "Bis", meaning…
Eat, chew, bit …
… twice …
… bite …
… twice …
… bite, sweet, hard, coffee cup.
…twice. [laughs] "Sweet, hard, coffee cup"?
Cup. Coffee cup accompaniment.
[To Rich Hall on the American meaning of Biscuit] You have Biscuits and Gravy, don't you? Tell the ladies and gentlemen what that is.
Oh, Traveller from an arcane land.
(As if speaking to a young child) What do your people eat?
Everything!
See what happens on this show, Dara, is he (gestures to Stephen) thinks I'm an idiot.
Yeah, well you think my name is an anagram of diarrhoea, so... I’m really on their side at the moment.
Do you know why the grass is greener in Ireland than over here?
Uhm, it's because of lime stone?
No, because you're all over here walking on ours.
What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?
The Pentagon.
Here's a quite interesting fact: as we know, at the end of a marvellous performance, when we see a live show, and you think it's fabulous and you want more, you shout, "Encore" …
Yes …
Do you know what the French shout?
"Bis"?
Oh yeah, you do know.
Honeybees have evolved a complex language to tell each other where the best nectar is, using the sun as a reference point. Amazingly, they can also do this on overcast days and at night by calculating the position of the sun on the other side of the world. This means they can actually learn and store information despite the—
Has it occurred to you that they may not be using the sun? That whoever has worked that out is wrong? He's now said, "Even if you can't see it or it's on the other side of the world, they still use it." And these bees are thinking, "No, we don't! We just remember where we live!" Why is it so remarkable that they know where they live?
… Well, because they have only 950,000 neurons, as opposed to our 10,000,000,000 neurons in our brains.
But they've only got one thing to remember—where they live.
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
No. No.
No, not that joke. Why did the mushroom go to the party, Alan?
Cos he was a fun gi. [The audience groans.] What’s wrong with that joke, then?
That’s a joke for, like, an imbecile. You know, like nought point seven years old.
What's brown and sticky?
Oh, no... I don't kn— yeah, I do...
A stick.
Yeah... [Exasperatedly puts her head down.]
I'm worried by the audience reaction...
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
A stick.
Do you have any other jokes where the punchline's "a stick"?
Loads!
Oh, right.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?... A carrot.
What's red and silly?... A blood clot. [The audience groans, Alan grimaces] Oh, don’t look at me like that, you fucking pig-eyed sack of shit! Don't you do that!
You've spoiled it. What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
[Discussing the potential benefits of time travel, such as witnessing historic moments or seeing yourself at a younger age]
I had a rolled-up ball of socks. And a hamper all the way across the room. And I just went like that … [imitates a casual throw] … right? Hits the wall, bounces off the ceiling, off this wall, back across that wall, right into the hamper. From, like, forty feet away. I would go back and watch that again.
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