What's the best flavour for an exploding sandwich?
TVTim Vine
Cheese and Ham-grenade.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
So, simple question, who’s happy?
[There’s silence. The picture on the screen changes to an older man with a younger woman.]
He’s happy in the picture.
Yep. Old men with young ladies. Oh, old ladies with young men. Why not? Not me.
What about when you fall asleep and you wake up and you've had half your eyebrow shaved off?
Then you have bad friends.
I do have hideous friends. Yeah, because that's the other thing that can happen. It's alright. I'm over it. It's fine.
Your eyebrows shaved off?
Yeah, you know. Obviously no-one’s had this happen. Yeah, you fall asleep and someone goes 'ooh, this'll be even funnier.' put your hand in a bowl of thing and then voom, voom, you wake up and you look hideous.
That's just vile!
[Shrugs.] I'm Australian.
[The panel has been asked to invent Limericks]
I carouse in a style bacchanalian
But I sleep in a way marsup-alian
I like to eat cheese
But I never say please
Yes, I’m French, but I’m also Australian.
There once was a show on TV
That was always the smart place to be
I’m fully aware
You’d rather be there
But instead you’re stuck here with me
It's easy to win on QI
You don't need an IQ that's high
Try not to be haughty
Just be a bit naughty
And make sure you please Stephen Fry.
Appearing one night on QI
I made up three facts on the fly
The first was untrue
The second was too
And the third was about the size of my cock and it was no exaggeration
[Talking about dead bodies.]
I went to the body farm in Tennessee where I suddenly saw 200 never having seen a single one.
Sorry, the body farm?
It’s called the body farm.
Wow, we have the Body Shop, that’s not quite the same thing, is it?
This programme would be an excellent house of reform. We let all the legislation come before us, we'll fiddle with, hopefully gag it up a bit, send it on to the Queen.
What is this noise, listen up carefully?
[a klaxon goes off]
Beginning with "K"...
A klaxon.
[forfeit klaxon goes off - A KLAXON]
[pointing at Jack] Ha, ha!
Yes, in a strange sort of way pop just et itself, didn't it?
[Discussing Giant Panda's conversion from carnivore to herbivore] What happened that the pandas gave up on meat?
Evolution and their circumstances, their environs.
Well, it's not working very well for them, evolution.
Are you going to get logically cross with them?
It.. It seems...
They took a wrong step.
... idiotic. There's like 25 minutes a year when they can have sex and it'll work, if they can be bothered, which they never can. They look Ridiculous! [The rest of the panel object] I'm not saying they're not sweet, but they're not dignified, are they? [...] If you want to make Bungle from Rainbow seem high-status, bring on a panda.
What colour is a red kite?
Blue!
Black.
Red.
White.
Oh, thank you Alan.
[The klaxon goes off - RED.]]
The thing is, they were named before we had a word for Orange. We just used Red for anything that was Orange as well. We had the word orange for a fruit, but didn't use it for the colour until the 16th Century.
We always think it was the colour that named the fruit, but it was the fruit that named the colour.
In those days, people would say "What's the name of that red fruit? Oh, the orange"
Exactly.
It could have been, not the orange that made it catch on, but the front of a robin. We could all have front-of-a-robin brand mobile phones. Where you go "What colour is it?" "Oh, it's front-of-a-robin".
It would be confusing.
"I'm just eating an orange. It's such a bright shade of front-of-a-robin".
Now, in case anybody is wondering, because he hasn't done that much television in Britain, we found Colin in Australia. Colin, in 1994, you won the Perrier award, didn't you? For comedy, at the Edinburgh Fringe?
Yes.
An incredibly distinguished award to win, as [clears throat] I know.
You haven't won the Perrier award, Stephen?
Yes, I did win it.
Oh, you did?
My group was the first to win it ever.
The first?
As it happens, yeah. But, I wonder: who did you beat in 1994? Who came second?
Uh, there were a few other nominees.
[Alan exhales]
Uh, I think the main competition came from a little fellow...
[Alan yawns]
His name was Alan Davies.
Oh, whatever.
Alan Davies, yes.
I went to Melbourne and I stayed at Colin's house and he put the Perrier award on the bedside table.
Can you, like when you drop your phone in the loo you’re supposed to put it in a tub of rice to get the moisture out.
Indeed.
Can you do that with cat litter?
There’s an episode of Elementary which is based on that very fact.
There’s an episode of Jonathan Creek where I weed in some cat litter. Not I, the character Jonathan.
Let’s work backwards as to how that could possibly be a plot line, that you peed...
I just got trapped in a cellar for ages, and I needed a wee.
Oh, I see. Well that’s fair enough.
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