Name something that's much easier to do when you're wearing boxing gloves.
Frisk a porcupine.
Very good!
Give up masturbating!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[After confirming that the reason Tour de France cyclists shave their legs has nothing to do with aerodynamics or speed]
HDHugh Dennis
It's a shame it doesn't make any difference, because I've been using the fact that I don't shave my legs as an excuse for going five hours slower than the guy who won.
Which stage did you do?
HDHugh Dennis
There's an open stage every year. An amateur stage. You do it two weeks before they do it. Eight thousand of us, and by the end, there were four thousand of us left at the end of it. I started in 2400th place, and I finished in 3400th place.
Oh no.
You mean a thousand people overtook you?
HDHugh Dennis
I was passed by a thousand people. And it took me... it took eleven hours to do this stage. The winner of the actual proper stage when they did it the next week was a guy called Vinokourov, I think his name was. He did it in five hours, but he was using someone else’s blood. And he was thrown out of the stage that night for blood doping.
[Laughing.] Someone else’s blood!
HDHugh Dennis
But it took me nine hours to catch up to the bloke with the one leg.
[on the Bayeux Tapestry] That says 'Wil 6 Elm'.
Normmano. I like that.
Is that like medieval text speak? They never put the whole thing in. They just sort of... C U l8er.
We have been con-kered
'We've invaded Britain. lol'
O … M … G! Very good.
[About the superb lyrebird]
It can mimic anything? I'd make it woof. How funny would that be, if you had a bird that woofed?
I'd get it to do limericks.
I'd probably get it to do Bill Oddie.
Surely that would be a bearded tit, if it was anything.
You're thinking of Rory McGrath.
[On the superb lyrebird imitating a chainsaw]
I can't see that bird surviving for much longer if it's doing impressions of the chainsaw that's coming toward it.
Salamanders can go in fire, can't they?
Yes, that's the legend, presumably that's what happened.
How long can a salamander go in fire?
'till it's cooked!
The Eiffel Tower. They loathed it. Guy de Maupassant loathed it so much that his favourite restaurant was …?
The "Eiffel Tower is Crap" Bistro.
No, it was in the Eiffel Tower.
Oh, so he didn't have to look at it.
So—exactly. The one place in Paris he couldn't see the Eiffel Tower was inside the Eiffel Tower.
Could he not maybe just ask for a chair facing the other way?
He was a French writer trying to make a point, and therefore a git.
Now, how many commandments are there?
Are we talking about the commandments that God dictated to Moses on Mount Sinai?
Yeah.
Literally none, never happened.
[on how the king of Syracuse asked Archimedes to find out if his crown was made of real gold]
I put it in the bath?
Mm, yeah...
What, does gold go small and wrinkly in the bath?
That's your crown jewels!
[on sword swallowing]
I think that the actual secret of doing it is to do it really quick and if it gets caught on anything... just jab it.
So this particular man, Archimedes, pondering this problem that he’d been given by the king gets in the bath, sees the water rise, and leaps out of the bath shouting...
Eureka!
Exactly.
I really thought you were gonna say ‘Arsenal!’ then, Alan.
In this episode, there is a special forfeit if you use a particular F word...
Oh, fuck off.
[Special Klaxon goes off with F*#@ displayed]
It was almost a clever double-bluff that it would be that word.
[Later, in the same conversation]
Alan, do you enjoy fargling?
Am I fargling now?
No.
By the way, does anyone know, incidentally, what is the best opening move of Paper, Scissors, Stone?
If you say, "You go first"
Is it a real rock?
[after being asked to hold pencils in their mouths]
it doef feem like a bad move in a fpoken wowd comedy fhow, I'm chofing my wowds vewy cawefully hewe, to effenfially difable the fouw conteftants.
What's the ideal way to kiss a Frenchman?
A French man? [laughing] I don't know. With their consent?
Very well put! What a nice young man.
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