Lynda quotes from Press Gang

Lynda

Colin, one lousy time I threw an ashtray, that doesn't mean I'm going to do it at every meeting.

Lynda

I expected a serious interview. What I didn't expect was to find myself talking to an improbable looking domestic pet that has somehow acquired the power of speech!

Lynda

I'm grateful. In fact, I'm so grateful I could kill you.

Lynda

[regarding Spike showing up on Crazy Stuff] I'm not being unreasonable, I'm keeping my cool. All I want is simply for this person to be removed from this studio and shot dead.

Lynda

Okay - it's like this. There's a tribe living by a river, and in the river there are crocodiles. The tribe has one particular piece of wisdom passed down through the generations. It goes like this: if you happen to meet a crocodile, don't stick your head in its mouth. Every now and then - and who knows the reason - people ignore this advice. Which is sad. Because they die. But very stupid because they were warned. They had a choice. The moral of this story is - you can't afford to be stupid. There are crocodiles.

Lynda

Have you had a look at the world lately? Just how dumb do you think it is safe to be around here? There's plenty of stuff going on that kills you and you don't get warned at all. So sticking your head in a crocodile you were told about is not calculated to get my sympathy.

Kenny

Why me?

Lynda

Sullivan likes you.

Kenny

Sullivan hates me!

Lynda

All right, Sullivan knows you. Now go!”

From the neck down I'm history.

Lynda

That must be awful.

You don't know what an itchy nose means.

Lynda

You're not using enough of this. The plates are still greasy.

I don't like a lot of suds.

Lynda

But the plates are still greasy!

Kenny

Oh, exaggerating am I? Okay. Ten years ago, school sports day.

Lynda

Oh here we go.

Kenny

Lynda Day is six years old.

Lynda

I can't believe you're bringing this up again.

Kenny

Do you know what she does?

Lynda

Apart from winning every event.

Kenny

Except one.

Lynda

That was badly adjudicated. It was a travesty of justice.

Kenny

Lynda, it was the egg and spoon race.

Lynda

Yeah and I was a clear two inches ahead of Suzy Bennett. Travis was blind.

Kenny

Travis was our teacher and he was blind. With tears of agony about two seconds later.

Lynda

Oh, I can't believe you're still bringing this up.

Kenny

And there he was with Lynda hanging from his leg by his teeth.

Lynda

This is pathetic, isn't it?

Kenny

It's true. You went straight up to him and sank your teeth into his leg.

Sarah

Kenny! [waiting for him to notice the phone is ringing; the call he's been anxiously waiting for]

Lynda

You're exaggerating again.

Kenny

He was all over the playing fields trying to shake you off.

Lynda

Oh, rubbish.

Kenny

I saw him in the street the other day. He still walks with a limp.

Kenny

How did you know it was me?

Lynda

Save the print run. We've got till seven. How did you know I was here?

Lynda

How could anyone be madly in love with you?

Spike

I don't know. But then again, I'm the only person in this conversation who isn't.

Lynda

No, I am.

Lynda

I'm telling you, Kenny, Spike has absolutely no effect on me whatsoever.

Spike

Hey Lynda, is it okay if I borrow your pencil?

Lynda

Will you stop making stupid suggestive remarks!

Lynda

Of course - your dear old aunt in Sherrington. What is it this time? Ill? Dead? Tell me, how do you justify being off work at her funeral on no less than eight separate occasions?

Kenny

She is my aunt!

Lynda

Kenny - this woman has died a total of eight times!

Kenny

How do you think I feel?

Spike

I'm a great kisser, Lynda. Seventeen years, and never dribbled.

Lynda

I expect you practice a lot on your own.

Spike

Absolutely. I have this pair of rubber lips.

Lynda

I can see that.