[The band is performing in a club before metalheads and new wave fans]
We're the Sеx Pistols, and our singer don't like hearing himself sing. [Audience cheers] It's understandable, really.
I don't like hearing none of youse!
AAudience
You can't fսcking play! So what? Yeah, so what?
Get a haircut, you dirty hippy!
AAudience
[Repeatedly] Encore!
Fսck you! Shut the fսck up!
AAudience
[John walks over to get a chair] What's he fսcking doing? Piss off! Fսcking idiot!
[Sits in chair and announces] I always wanted to see this band. But I regret to inform you, ladies and gentlemen... [throws chair across room] that they are shit! [Band plays song that ends with punk fans getting into spitting match with metalheads]
PTPiano teacher
Let's try again.
I don't wanna sing like that.
We don't want him sounding like Mario Lanza.
PTPiano teacher
What do you want to sound like?
Well, I mean, I was thinking of a kind of Bowie-ish... Elvis Presley sort of sound, with maybe a dash of Alice Cooper.
PTPiano teacher
Perhaps it might be best if you waited outside.
Wait outside or I'll shove Beethoven's head up your arse!
Okay. Now, I'll just be outs...
PTPiano teacher
When I was young, I wanted to sing like Maria Callas. She's an opera singer.
I know who Callas is. Greek. One of the greatest. Bit of a diva.
PTPiano teacher
I'm impressed.
Why? Because I look like a shabby little moron who don't know a treble clef from a cleft palate?
PTPiano teacher
Not at all. I don't, by the way. No need to.
You're going to tell me that after wasting your youth trying to be UK Callas, you finally realised that the only person you could be was... you, and that realization brought you true happiness, et cetera, et cetera.
PTPiano teacher
Bugger! You've guessed my best trick.
Thank you. But that sentiment is of no use to me. Last night I was myself. But hearing myself was a bloody nightmare. If you don't want to sing, then don't.
PTPiano teacher
Performing's not for everyone. Perhaps it's not for you.
I'm thinking I need to start being more confrontational with the customers. Yeah, all right, pet. Lovely. If we're not careful, this place could become a shop. and then really, what's the point? Mm. Who are those for?
RReginald
They're for me, my dear.
How and where are they to be worn?
RReginald
Well, that's rather private.
I don't think so. This is not a fetish shop. These knickers are the spark plugs of a revolution.
The proprietors of this establishment are very influenced by William Reich's theories about mass psychology and fascism.
RReginald
Ah, that explains a lot.
Reich says that fascism is caused by sеxual repression.
RReginald
I honestly could not agree more.
If we don't start talking about sеx more, and don't stop being so repressed, we're going to end up with a dictator. Isn't that right, Vivienne? We live to proclaim, not to shame.
RReginald
Sadly, I'm not in a position to proclaim.
Then I can't sell them to you. Can I, Vivienne? Well, I mean, we can always make an exception. Are we going to be on the news?
RReginald
In a fashion, yes.
The news? What? Oh! That's who you are! That's who he is! You are him, aren't you?!
RReginald
If I'm wearing these under my suit tonight, I'll give you a wink. Like this. Just for you. That be all right?
Oh, that's lovely. Isn't that lovely? There's no returns on the underwear, OK?
RReginald
Perish the thought. But not the rubber.
Isn't he lovely? Is there a review?
Oh, I'm just reading the small ads. Do you know it's still possible to buy loon pants?
Who is doing that? We should get ourselves a pack of hounds and hunt them down. Look at this one. Got a big bag. Definitely a dipper. I'll cover the door.
PPauline
I hear that Sеx the Shop is where one can find sеx the Pistols. Johnny. The Marquee. I saw him singing and spitting. It was wonderful. I was wondering if you had his address?
I'm sorry, we don't give out that kind of information. Please open your bag.
PPauline
But I don't wanna do that.
I'm afraid you have no choice.
PPauline
Oh... That's right.
PPauline
No! Get away from me! [Cries]
Are you all right? I'm sorry. I'm... I'm sorry. It's all right. Let's get you into this chair. Water. I'm sorry. It's fine. You're all right. :Viv: This is my shop. May I be of some assistance, madam?
PPauline
That's lovely, thank you. So kind.
What kind of assistance would you like?
PPauline
Oh... Where do I start? I need so much assistance. Every kind, really.
I will need to look in your bag, though.
PPauline
You're nice. So I don't mind.
PPauline
But I don't wanna get out because I do really like it here.
Get out! Get out! Get out!
PPauline
OK. I... I can see you're really busy.
The bag! Get the bag out of here now!
PPauline
Go! Next time, eh, bab?
[To Glen reading newspaper] What's it say?
It's our first review. Be nice for us all to hear it out loud together.
I'm not your nursery school teacher.
Sorry, I thought you were, seeing as you dress exactly like her.
[Laughs and throws newspaper across table] Read it yourself.
[Clears throat and reads] Yeah... Typical NME.
Not worth reading, to be honest.
Nah. Except for that last bit.
Yeah, Malcolm's gonna love that.
Which bit? Which bit again?
The last bit. [John comes in] Oh, finally! Now we can rehearse! Have you read it?!
Oh, I bet he's read it. I bet he's bought up every copy in Finsbury Park and wallpapered his room with it.
What do you want to be, Glen?
I know what I wanna be. I wanna be in a band where the geezer what writes the words writes some. "Lazy Sod" might be a bit simple, but it's better than fսck all, which is all you've come up with.
How am I supposed to be inspired, when my collaborators are a mummy's boy, a pleaser, and a moron?
How about I fix your teeth with my guitar? Maybe that'll inspire you.
Yeah, where's all this come from?
The NME's gone to his head.
[Laughs at John who throws a mug at the wall shattering it then storms out] What the fսck?! My favourite mug!
We should get another singer.
[Walking out] Steve, can I have a word? I'm leaving.
Well, I doubt we'll get much done today anyway.
No. I'm leaving the band. For good.
Oh... don't be daft. You can barely play. I'm getting better.
Like John. The guy's a madman. Malcolm is Malcolm. Waste of time.
Yeah, we're gonna be good.
We don't have any songs, Steve. We're a covers band. This is so fսcking boring. I've got an apprenticeship, got a chance. Oh, yeah, your nine-to-five, eight-to-four, or whatever the fսck it is, wage slave.
Fսck off! Is that what you want? Married. Four screaming kids, and before you can blink twice, you're just another boring, defeated old cսոt. Sipping pints at the pub with that look in his eye, "Oh, I wonder where my life went?"
My mum and dad are good people, got good lives, you know that. I'm not saying they're not.
Oh, I know you haven't had none of that.
I'm sorry. I gotta do what's right for me. I'm done.
I'll get it. Oh, well done.
Mum. I need to see Malcolm. There was a girl in the shop looking for you.
I don't care. You will. Tell Malcolm that I'm seriously considering leaving the band.
You don't even care, do ya?
I wouldn't expect it. That's exactly like you people. Why are you printing swastikas with your children?
BBen
Mum and Malcolm want to not only reject the values of the older generation but also their, um...
BBen
Yeah, taboos. Everything's "anti". That means opposite. Thank you. Jesus is upside down, and I chose pink for this swastika because the Nazis hated homosexuals... and they made them wear pink triangles. Nazis would hate their swastika being pink.
Many millions of Jews might hate a shirt with a swastika on it.
Possibly. But Malcolm's Jewish, and it was his idea. Do you know why nothing ever changes? It's because people's minds are too imprisoned by lies, fear... and a misguided respect for the very institutions that have exploited them for centuries. I want to destroy all that, so that out of the chaos... the future can emerge. We don't hate Jews, or gays, or Christians. We don't hate anyone, do we?
Except for Nazis. And racists and fascists in general. And people who are too boring or scared to stand up and say what they mean. Goodbye, John.
Was that last chord a 'B' suspended 7th of an augmented 'E'?
[Laughs] Don't be ridiculous. Just an 'E' on the bass over...
Oh, Jesus! Glen! We're not in a Paul fսcking McCartney fսcking tribute band!
If you're a pensioner! What are the chords?
'C'! [Plays amplified riff] Right? But played like a punch in the face. Next.
'F' major 7th suspended 2nd.
[Plays amplified riff] Right? Played like a kick in the guts.
'E' on the bass over an open 'C'.
'E'! Played like a fսcking sеx Pistol! [Plays amplified riff repeatedly]
[Comes in and repositions mic stand] Give me a tune. Give me a tune, and I'll give you words.
JJeannie
[Watching band perform on TV and on phone] Francie, are you watching?
FFrancie
Oh, Lord, yes, I am watching. [Jeannie lies down on floor up close to watch totally mesmerized]
...
"Anarchy in the UK" is a call to arms for all the kids who feel that rock 'n' roll has been taken away from them.
FFrancie
[At bus stop reading newspaper] "Meet Malcolm McLaren. He runs a shop called 'sеx'. He manages a group called 'The sеx Pistols'. His rockabilly leathers deconstructed by the effete white scarf that shrouds his whey face." What's a "whey face"?
JJeannie
I don't know. [Points to band headshots] There's a picture. That face must be "whey".
...
Fundamentally, rock is a young people's music.
...
JJeannie
"McLaren declares himself the commissar of a youth revolution."
FFrancie
The bus! Come on, I want to get to the back.
...
We have created a brand new...
JJeannie
"...generation gap," says McLaren. "16-year-olds..."
...are telling 18-year-olds that they're too old.
OGOlder girl
Move along, foetus.
...
All kids are anarchists, until they get dragged into the system. All the other bands that have risen out of the wake of the Pistols are great. It's like having an army behind you. We are to Bay City Rollers what the Stones were to the Beatles.
...
JHJoyriding hooligan
What are you slags wearing?! Show us your tіts! Show us your arse!
FFrancie
Get, you know... Get lost!
JHJoyriding hooligan
[Laughs and drives away]
FFrancie
Ooh! That wasn't very Punk.
FFrancie
Okay. I'm just getting used to it!
DDave
That has got "hit" written all over it.
DDave
When you get your new recording contract, I'd definitely suggest this is your first single.
Thank you, Dave! Next time I need advice from a stoned-out hippy, I'll know precisely where to turn. In the meantime, please stick to your assigned role as a third-rate sound engineer.
He's just jealous cos I wrote the tune and most of the lyrics, apart from that rewrite you did on the 2nd verse which admittedly is an improvement.
The only thing that makes it not an ABBA song, is that I sing "pretty va-cunt", whereas you wanted "pretty vacant".
Dave's right. When we present to potential record companies...
Ugh! Are we fighting again?
JJohnn
"Pretty Vacant" does not represent us as a band.
Oh, no, not like "Anarchy". "I'm an anarchist. I'm an Antichrist." Do you know what a hard time my mum gets at work over those lyrics?
Because "anarchist" and "Antichrist" don't rhyme?
I'm the one who people notice. And I'm the one who bears the consequences, so pardon me, Glen, if I don't give A FUCK, what your mum thinks!
[Reading newspaper] What is this?
That is a stream of unpunctuated hot air from a broken hair dryer.
Oh, please don't allow me to interrupt your very important potato prints.
Not important enough for you to mention in your interview.
I like the "anarchy" bit.
What about the "Bay City Rollers" bit?
The bit about the shop and the band sharing a name?
Well, it's just always good to throw some facts in with the bullshit.
I'm changing the name of the shop.
Well, we can't change the name of the band now.
The shop is not there to service the band. The shop is not there to reinforce your brand.
Well, what is it there for, then?
To expose hypocrisy and provoke revolution.
What, with sticky back plastic and squeezy bottles?
[Grabs the back of Malcolm's and he grunts] Do you know the difference between you and me, Malcolm?
How do I differ from thee? Let me count the ways...
Your idea of ambition is to be the new George Epstein.
Brian Epstein. It's "Brian".
And my idea of ambition is to be the new Boudica. I want to ride a chariot down Oxford Street and burn this city to the ground.
Oh! So, what does Boudica want to call her new boutique, then?
[Plays "St. James Infirmary Blues" on acoustic guitar with Steve] There you go.
You're a fսcking great guitarist. You know that?
I'm not. You're just really shit.
Play with me. You might learn something.
We do make great music together.
You talking about the lying-down kind, or the sitting-up kind?
Both. Well, actually there's more than two cos you can do the lying-down music... standing up and sitting down. And you can do the sitting-down music standing up and lying down.
[Laughs] It's confusing speaking in metaphors all the time, isn't it?
Ugh, it's a right nause! [Chrissie scats on guitar] What is a metaphor?
It's a thing that's like a thing.
Right. Those northern towns are gonna hate you.
Might not make it back alive.
We'd better make music one last time... before I leave.
See, now that... is a metaphor.
