Orange Is the New Black · Season 1
What the fuck happened to you to make you so angry?
Oh, I wish I had some sob story that would explain everything. Well, sorry to disappoint you, sugar. Ain't no dramatic origin story here. Just a big old dyke who refuses to apologize for it.
The thermal fuse blew.
And you can fix that by yourself, honey?
Well, I sure can if I concentrate extra hard with my lady brain.
[watching Piper climb up her bunk] Need a little help there?
Nope. I've got it, thank you. I called you my girlfriend.
What? To who?
To my parents, and my brother, and my brother's wife.
[lets out a long exhale] That's a bold move, Chapman.
I know. I didn't even mean to say it, but it just... It just came out. And now... Now I can't stop thinking about it.
[sarcastically] Do you wanna pass me a note and have me circle yes or no?
[embarrassed] I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend...
Oh no?
No, definitely not! I just thought... I thought that it was weird.
Totally weird. [pauses] You know, the Quran is turning out to be more interesting than I would've guessed. Technically, I'm not supposed to be touching it, but I did wash my hands. So, I decided that Allah would be cool with it.
Will you be my girlfriend?
[bursts out laughing] Yeah.
Yes!?
Yes, you idiot!
[to the rest of the cell] She said yes.
[cut to reveal that only Anita and Sister Jane are in the cell, looking obviously disinterested]
Good for you, hun.
Mazel tov.
I have been her daughter for 42 years. Now don't you think she could have taken some of that time to work on accepting me for who I am, rather than mourning every fucking thing that I am not?
I understand that whatever this is, is important to you, but it's a costume, that's all. The rest of us, we get up, put on a suit and a tie, we go to work. You think that's how I wanted to dress five days a week? No, of course not. But no one gets the privilege of being themselves all the time, Carrie. No one. Now, if you want to go in there and upset her, I'm not gonna stop you. But you need to decide whether your costume is worth what it's costing you.
I have had to fight for this all my life, Dad. All my life. Strangers, girlfriends, fuck, even my own parents all asking me to be something that I am not. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Like, your whole fucking existence is being denied, like "Whoa, you'd be better off if you were invisible"? Yeah. I refuse to be invisible, Daddy. Not for you, not for Mom, not for anybody.
I hear they’re setting up a call center.
With my sexy voice, I’ll be making mad commissions.
Commissions? Right. You get 10% of nothing on every nothing you nothing.
What if it turns out to be, like, picking up trash on the side of the road?
They don't pay that much for dummy work. Nah, whatever it is, it's gonna take skills and smarts.
Yeah, what're you gonna wow them with? Your eyeliner skills, or your smarts about how many words rhyme with bleak in emo songs? [laughs]
Fuck you and your stupid sad face. We didn't take your baby away, okay?
Yeah? You should shut up about shit you don't know about.
You should shut up, you know. At least I got ambition. [speaking Spanish] You little kiss ass.
Ambition? That what you call your ADD? Oh, look, something shiny over there!
Selfish bitch. You wanna work out your shit on me? Fine. Let's go. I can take it.
Whoa! [speaking English] You, go scrub some pans.
What? Gross. She started this shit!
Now!
I'm so done with this depressing-ass place.
Fine, you can keep the honey, but it's for eating only. I see you anointing anything with this, it's gonna be the last sweet thing in your life.
[speaking English] A test? Shit, I fucking suck at taking tests! I get all itchy and anxious. I can't think straight.
[speaking Spanish] That's just an excuse for being stupid.
I believe people are basically moral. Agree.
You're supposed to answer honest.
I do believe that.
[speaking Spanish] You're sitting with a bunch of criminals.
[speaking English] You gotta think deeper than that. People wanna be good. They really do, deep down. But they just fuck up.
My mother always said that silence can be the loudest thing. But she never shut the fuck up. [chuckles nervously]
It's a prison phenomenon. It's like when you think you've seen everyone, you suddenly notice that there's a girl with a port wine birthmark on her face that has been working with you in electrical since you got here and you'd never seen her before.
No, that phenomenon is called self-absorbed.
You seem upset.
I'm pregnant in prison, lady. Were you really expecting for me to be all happy and glowy?
No, no. I just... I thought... I thought we would talk a little bit more.
What is there to say? I don't feel anything for this baby.
It's hard to have love for something that's camping out on your bladder. I remember watching my ass turn into my Aunt Louise's. It was not a good look. But, um, I also remember having these really vivid dreams.
None of this is what dreams are made of. It was just a mistake. So, if you're trying to prove something by taking that on, God bless.
... You got a paper? I'll sign it over right now. You'll get your do-over baby, and I'll have a chance to start a new life where I just gotta worry about me.
You can't sign the paper until you've had the baby.
[chuckles] Oh, I get it now.
Is there somebody in here that you could talk to? You know, a professional or something?
[chuckles] My counselor is an old white man who tries to connect by saying "Hola" in the hallway. [sighs] And lucky for you, my mom is all up for the deal. I talk to her sometimes, mmm, when she's not being a total bitch. Go team.
Oh. Look who decided to grace us with her presence. Throw an apron on, we'll talk punishment later.
I got the job. It's supposed to start in a few minutes. I just wanted to come let you know.
Come? How considerate of you... to show your front when you're turning your back on your family.
I earned it, Gloria. You should be proud of me.
Because of that test? I heard some of the questions on that test. It's not even about anything.
They were obviously about something, and I got 'em right. Blanca took it, too, and she didn't get picked.
Oh. So now you're better than us? What, you're chosen? Oh, watch out, Norma, Flaca is moving in on your territory. [laughs]
That's right, I am better. Better than all you bitches. Maybe I got C's in high school because my personality is too complex for mainstream academics. Some people are born for greatness.
How nice that prison could help you realize your full potential.
Fuck you. [speaking Spanish] Fucking nobodies.
[speaking Spanish] Marisol, turn that down, I can't think.
How much thinking you gotta do with that shit? Go straight, then turn.
I read over that test. Where did you come up with that?
Oh, I just, uh, pulled that off the Internet.
Some kind of new assessment technique?
Um, it was, like, a... personality quiz or something. I don't even know. We didn't even read 'em. Jones just pulled 40 out of a pile randomly and those were the winners.
That's your system? Random selection?
My system is to make the ladies think that there is a system so they don't hate us for not getting the job, they're mad at themselves for not having what it takes.
But you reviewed the files of the women you selected, right? I mean, made sure there were no risks in that job placement?
We'll have COs on post. We've had a lot of success with this model.
I have to tell you that our model for not allowing violent criminals to work with sharp tools or arsonists in the kitchen hasn't been so bad either.
You're right. No, I totally get it. You're right. I think what we'll do is we'll send you the list, and then if there are any red flags, you can send those back to us and we'll adjust accordingly. Good thinking, Caputo. Thanks a lot. I feel really lucky you're here.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Orange Is the New Black pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
