Orange Is the New Black Season 1 quotes

Sam Healy

You know what you get when you try around here? Not much.

You break my heart.

Might be true...if you had one.

Miss Rosa

[after killing Vee] Always so rude, that one.

Sister Jane Ingalls

How you doing, Red?

Strangest thing. Ever since the assault I speak with this Russian accent.

Joe Caputo

Now, what'd you hear?

Berdie Rogers

That you got caught in a shit-storm, but you put up a sturdy umbrella.

Joe Caputo

Yeah, well, it's starting to leak. Now I'm doing Madame Shit-Storm's job, along with doing my old job, which the powers-that-be have yet to fill.[sighs] I'm doin' two jobs.

Berdie Rogers

Do you resent that the administration hired me before finding a replacement for your old job?

Joe Caputo

Are you analyzin' me?

Berdie Rogers

No. I just don't want any shade without having been given a shot.

Joe Caputo

My beef's not with you.

Berdie Rogers

What'd you hear about me?

Joe Caputo

That you're smart and you're qualified and you said yes.

Berdie Rogers

Does my saying yes maybe cancel out the smart part?

Joe Caputo

How's this? Welcome to Litchfield, where your services are needed in both the counseling and hair removal arenas. These are complicated ladies in a complicated place.

Piper Chapman

Crackheads, Wookiees. You know, you gotta let 'em win.

You ever read a book called Freakonomics?

No. What's it about, bearded ladies and midgets?

Close. It's about economic theory, cause and effect.

Sounds boring.

Mmm. It's actually a pretty good read. They have this chapter in it, "Where Have All the Criminals Gone?"

Over there in that field.

[chuckles] You know, in the 1990s, crime fell spectacularly, and this book attributes that to the passing of Roe v. Wade.

The Darkness of '73.

The exact opposite, actually. I mean, the abortions that occurred after Roe v. Wade? These were children that weren't wanted. Children who, if their mothers had been forced to have them, would've grown up poor and neglected and abused, the three most important ingredients when one is making a felon. But they were never born. So, 20 years later, when they would've been of prime crime age, they weren't there. And the crime rate [scoffs] Dropped dramatically.

What's your point?

Well, my point is that you were a meth-head, white-trash piece of shit, and your children, had they been born, would have been meth-head, white-trash pieces of shit. So by terminating those pregnancies, you spared society the scourge of your offspring. I mean, when you think about it, it's a blessing.

Never thought about it that way.

Well, maybe you should, hmm? Maybe you should stop punishing yourself. I mean, what does a good mother do? A good mother does what's best for her children. And maybe what was best for your children was wipin' 'em out before they had to lead miserable fucking lives.

I need to add my lawyer to my visitation list.

Sam Healy

You having problems with your case?

No. And please take my husband off my list.

Sam Healy

[gesturing to the seat in front of him] Why don't you have a seat, Red?

I won't be staying. But thank you.

Sam Healy

Please... Sit. [annoyed, she does so] You want to tell me what's going on?

I married a pillow. Soft, lumpy, and always lying behind my back.

Sam Healy

Words like "always" are absolutes. And using them is a way to reinforce what we wanna believe. When speaking emotionally, absolutes can be dangerous.

Good advice. Thank you. Please add my lawyer and remove my husband.

Sam Healy

You know, Red... Marriage is a two-way street.

And you can't swim without getting wet. See, I can say cliches too. Ha!

Sam Healy

You owe it to your younger self to explore those things that made you wanna marry this man in the first place. You may find that they're still there.

I owe my younger self 23 years of wild sex with multiple partners. But I'll settle for my name back.

Sam Healy

You made a lifelong commitment. That's sacred.

You don't know my story, Healy, and you don't know what he's done. [In Russian] Cocksucker.

Sam Healy

[in a sharp tone, startling her] Hey! Language! [angrily] I know what that word means, and it's not okay to refer to your husband, or any other man that way. [as she stares at him in shock, he rises from his seat] You know, you huff in here... Like some put-upon martyr... Like a smile would break your face, trivialising a man's emotions. What is that? Some kind of a Russian thing or something?

What the hell does that -?

Sam Healy

Hey! Language! Again! That's the last time I'm gonna warn you, Mrs. Reznikov. [comes round to the front of his desk] You forget where you are... Just like you forget that your husband has a stake in this too? Just because he made some mistakes doesn't mean you can run off and go sleep in your mother's room at the first sign of white caps on the ocean!

Maria Ruiz

You'll call each other up maybe meet for drinks, make more plans but then cancel them, push them off, you're suddenly really busy. But the truth is you're avoiding each other because it only took that one drink for you to realize you don't have anything in common and all you got was a reminder of the time you spent in this fucking hellhole. We're not a family. We're a band-aid and once you rip it off, all we are to each other is scars.

Berdie Rogers

Look, Vause, I get it. I get the anger. When a country has more inmates than teachers or engineers, we are living in a fucked up society. Prison is bullshit.

Alex Vause

[chuckling] Then why work in one?

Berdie Rogers

Because I think there are people here with potential that's being squandered - and I wanna make a -

Alex Vause

Oh, you wanna make a difference? Yeah, I get it. You're one of the good guys. But guess what. We all think we're good guys. I used to work for a drug dealer who wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet in your head if you crossed him, or if you stopped being useful to him, but in his mind, he's still a good guy. [laughing] Heroin Robin Hood because he cut out the Mexican cartels and passed on the savings to the consumer, and he never cut his shit with brick dust. And you're not just another shill taking a paycheck from an evil system of oppression, 'cause you're fighting it from the inside with drama class. Fine. Whatever you need to tell yourself to get by. But excuse me if I don't want to spend my precious time catering to the delusion that you're making a difference. I have my own quilt of lies to sew.

Berdie Rogers

That is a great speech. Now, I would love to hear you give it again in drama class.

Lorna Morello

Oh, Frankie? [makes motions] You have a phone call, Frankie! Would you...like to...take the phone? [Chang shrugs] Take the phone...

That's not a phone.

Lorna Morello

What is it?

It's a dog.

Lorna Morello

No, it's not...

Berdie Rogers

Agree to the situation, go with it...

Lorna Morello

But she is clear---alright, dog, my mistake, and here...is the phone!

That's not a phone either.

Lorna Morello

What is it?

A DICK!

Piper Chapman

... because it is... so .. good to see you... customer ...Would you maybe like another piece of fruit... it's a persimmon.

Uh-Uh That's a dick [everybody laughs].

Alex Vause

You know i have a thing for soft fruits.

Bow-Chicka-Bow-Bow. [everybody cheers and claps]

There is no white light for me. If we don't get this stuff out of here, it's gonna find its way back to me, or me to it, you know? I'm like a bloodhound for oblivion.

[in Russian] All he wants is for you to be happy.

Sam Healy

I don't know why, but we've lost the feeling we had in the beginning.

[in broken English] We never have real feeling at beginning, because you're not the man you say to me on Internet. You catfish.

Sam Healy

[confused] Catfish?

[in Russian] I thought he was a real psychologist. I thought we'd go to the museums, the opera. I thought he'd be funny. He seemed funny online when he could edit himself.

[unimpressed] Mmmm... [Healy looks at her for a translation] Um... You're not a real psychologist. You don't go to the opera and you're not funny.

[in Russian] He yells at me.

And you yell.

And drool. Every morning, the sheets are soaked like a small child has peed the bed, but from his face.

[in English] It's... [sighs] It doesn't translate.

Sam Healy

Look, I have not been perfect. But there's nothing wrong between us that we can't work through together.

[in English] No, it is too late. I deserve better man than you, Sam.

[fed up] Oh, give me a fucking break. Deserve? Deserve!? You're a mail-order bride.

I'm not a mail-order bride.

[in Russian] Whatever. You "made an arrangement," and he's holding up his end of it. And you're the type who wants the world to be perfect, but you're not willing to lift a finger to help it along. He's not the man you thought he'd be because the man you thought he'd be doesn't exist. This is what a good man looks like. [loudly, in English] So what if he drools a small pond? He takes care of you, doesn't he? He takes care of your mother, and he's handsome, and he's good. And at least he's fucking trying, which is a lot more than I can say for you!

Sophia Burset

Okay, all finished.

Show me my big beautiful self.

Lorna Morello

[putting the finishing touches on her makeup] Okay, almost there. Just hold on, all right?

All right.

Lorna Morello

There... We... Go... Oh, I love this part. This is like that TV show where they gave those ladies the... the plastic surgery makeover, and then all their problems just went away after.

Sophia Burset

Okay, here we go...

Lorna Morello

[screaming] I'm so sorry, I can't help it. I just love makeovers, and you look so pretty.

Boo, you look fucking weird. [they look at her in annoyance] What, she does.

[her eyes filling with tears] No, um... I look like my mother.