Orange Is the New Black Season 1 quotes

Piper Chapman

Is SHU really that bad?

It's just like the Hamptons, only fucking horrible.

Alex Vause

Piper loves tequila. What? Afraid I'll tell them the pork chop story?

Now this is fucking weird. I have a pork chop story, too. You go first.

Piper Chapman

I have been here for less than two weeks. I have been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened, and called Taylor Swift. And now, you.

You and that Pope's bitch are running the place.

Sister Jane Ingalls

I like to think of myself as more of the Pope's homie.

God's angry that there's an abomination in the church, and if we don't get rid of "it," it's just gonna keep on happening.

All right, you listen to me. You are not an agent of God, okay? God can do so much better than you. You must know that, right? Jesus Christ, how did you survive infancy?

My auntie helped my mama--

That's a rhetorical question! Do you not understand what a fucking rhetorical question is?

Sophia Burset

You knew? This whole time?

I figured it out when you thought Stations of the Cross meant Christian radio.

So there I am, topless, sitting on this bulldozer, like, in a construction site. So I'm sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties, and I'm like, "What the fuck? Again?" And then I look down and I see there's this dude down on the ground with his head by, like, the tire. And when I look closer, I see that the dude is wearing my shirt, barbeque sauce all over his face, and he's dead. That's when I knew it was time to make a change. Thank you.

Almost the exact same thing happened to me, but it was tuna salad.

Those Spanish probably won't even eat her, just cut her throat and drink her blood, or something else superstitious. All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power. And make a nice Kiev.

Joe Caputo

Forgive me for questioning the no doubt pristine reputation of Prison Poon, but how do we know for sure that it came out of here?

No such fucking word as 'knifes'.

Lorna Morello

No? Then what does Tony do to Bernardo in West Side Story? I'll tell you. He knifes him.

Well, aren't you the plot spoiler.

You can only vote within your race or your group. Just pretend it's the 1950s. It makes it easier to understand.

Chapman is a Judas Iscariot cozied on up to the High Priest Healy. And he throws out my vote. My votes that were bestowed upon me from my Lord and gives her all the silver?!

Alex Vause

So in this analogy, you're Jesus Christ?

I've been betrayed.

Piper Chapman

Are you planning a vacation?

Sam Healy

If I were, it would be somewhere you drink rum out of a mini volcano.

Poussey Washington

We are all just in here because we took the wrong turn going to church.

I don't do that shit.

This shit, that shit, blue shit, bat shit, it doesn't matter what you do. It's the doing that makes you dirty.