Orange Is the New Black Season 1 quotes

Alex Vause

So Wanda Bell? You might remember her as the blood-sucking dragon cunt? She works up front, eats souls for fun?

Nobody else gets through this gate? No suspicious delivery guy? No shady-looking mook in a fucking tampon truck?

There's creepy linens dude, and the dry goods lady, the vegetable people… sounds like a horror movie, doesn't it? The vegetable people? Like a giant celery serial killer carrying a machete, or broccoli lighting shit up with a flame thrower… who's a smoothie now, bitches?

… and you're not invited because they don't allow gay people on the rapture bus!

Alex Vause

There's a bus? Are all the seats already taken by Appalacian meth-heads?

No Thanksgiving suicides! Chapman, what are we not to do on this day of thanks?

Piper Chapman

Commit suicide?

Exactly.

Piper Chapman

Wake up, Healy! Girls like me? We don't fuck ignorant, pretentious old men with weird lesbian obsessions. We go for tall, hot girls, and we fucking love it. So that leaves you on the outside, living your sad, sad little life.

Sister Jane Ingalls

You never stay focused on a member of the opposite sex for too long. That's how I watch every Russell Crowe movie.

Joe Caputo

Christ, he's probably got the Obamas on the phone by now.

Piper Chapman

What's your name again?

Dina.

Piper Chapman

Dina. That's a pretty name. You know, I could tell you a lot of things that would scare you, Dina. I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my prison bitch, I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my house mouse, that I will have sex with you even if we don't have an emotional connection. That I'm gonna do to you what the spring does with the cherry trees, but in a prison way. Pablo Neruda. But why bother? You're too tough, right? Yeah, I know how easy it is to convince yourself you're something that you're not. You could do that on the outside. You can just keep moving. Keep yourself so busy you don't have to face who you really are. But you're weak.

Back the fuck off me.

Piper Chapman

I'm like you, Dina. I'm weak, too. I can't get through this without somebody to touch, without somebody to love. Is that because sex numbs the pain? Or is it because I'm some evil fuck-monster? I don't know. But I do know, I was somebody before I came in here. I was somebody with a life that I chose for myself. And now, now it's just about getting through the day without crying. And I'm scared. I'm still scared. I'm scared that I'm not myself in here, and I'm scared that I am. Other people aren't the scariest part of prison, Dina, it's coming face-to-face with who you really are. Because once you're behind these walls, there's nowhere to run, even if you could run. The truth catches up with you in here, Dina. And it's the truth that's gonna make you her bitch.

Poussey Washington

Man. You're cold.

Piper Chapman

Bitches gots to learn.

There used to be a sign that said 'CAUTION! WET FLOOR! Really told people what was going on.

Can I ask you one more question?

Piper Chapman

Yeah, of course.

How come everyone calls me 'Crazy Eyes'?

They think I'm so tall my feelings don't get hurt.

Sometimes the feelings inside me get messy like dirt. And I like to clean things. Pretend the dirt is the feelings. This floor is my mind. That is called coping. And the COs don't care 'cause they like things clean. And that is called symbiosis.

I used to grow marijuana out in California, Humboldt County. One acre, nothing crazy. Just enough to keep me going.

Goin', like, baked?

Like, pay the rent. I mean, I smoked it once in a while. But mostly I was just a good old-fashioned drunk, like my parents raised me to be.

So the Feds shut you down.

Actually, it was the deer.

The who, now?

Oh, yeah, deer love weed. [chuckles] Fucks them right up, too. They start jumping around all over the place. Then they come back for more. And the kicker is, you can't keep them out. I tried everything. Soap shavings, fox pee, which they sell at the Home Depot for $120 a gallon.

Seems like you could have just built a fence.

No, a deer can jump an eight-foot barb wire fence with a smile on its face, like Donald O'Connor.

Get to the meat already.

I got a hunting rifle and stayed up all night, four, five times a week. And finally, one night I see them rustling around the edge of my property, where I was growing the quality shit, this hybrid plant called AK-47, which the fake prescription people eat up like peanuts. I was pissed.

And drunk?

Oh, honey, that goes without saying.

So what happened?

I shot him.

And?

And it wasn't a deer. It was an eight-year-old kid from the farm next door who was running away from home because his dad took away his Nintendo. A kid.

Shit.

And they buried him on their property, in a box.

Do you realize that you almost ruined my life? I mean, do you? You made the Almighty God into a joke, and a joke ain't nothing to me. A joke didn't write me letters up in here, and a joke didn't give me hope so I could do my time and make something out of it. What do you believe in?

Piper Chapman

Well, I've always thought that agnostic was sort of a cop-out. But you know, if I had to label it, I'd say that I'm a secular humanist. Which is not to say I'm not spiritual -

You're not religious, okay? Just stop. Stop. You believe in Hussein Obama? Electric cars and Shakespeare books and do you go out to eat at restaurants? I don't have any of that, okay? All I have is Him.