Orange Is the New Black quotes

Hey, boss lady.

Piper Chapman

Hey! Um... [awkwardly trying to avert her gaze] You look comfortable.

I like to air dry. Sensitive skin. And these towels are the fucking worst.

Piper Chapman

Oh yeah, they're the worst.

How does it feel being a magnate?

Piper Chapman

No, I'm not really...

Today'd panty smuggler, tomorrow's Fortune 500. Sisters are doing it for themselves.

Piper Chapman

You're too young to know that song!

[confused] What song?

Piper Chapman

Never mind.

So, how's your first shipment doing?

Piper Chapman

We'll know soon.

You must be psyched.

Piper Chapman

It's really nice how supportive you are.

[smiles] Whatever.

Piper Chapman

I was thinking, and I... I think you'd actually be a really great... person to ask about this. I'm thinking the spicy chicken packets might be worth more than the regular chicken packets, because they are certainly proving to be the most popular.

Mm... Sounds like quite a pickle.

Piper Chapman

Mm-hmm, yes.

I'm sure you'll figure out what you want. [She walks right up to Piper, who quickly steps to one side, out of her way] I have every confidence in you. [Heads back to shower] All right, who stole my towel?

Mommy, she hasn't written me back. I write her every day, tell her how much I love her. I write lists of names for the baby, compose short stories about the future of our relationship, remind her of other star-crossed lovers throughout history who have overcome great obstacles to be together, Romeo and Juliet, Lolita and the old guy, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.

Delia Mendez-Powell

Honey, none of those couples ended up together.

I love her, Mommy. I love her.

Delia Mendez-Powell

I know you do.

I was not a rapist! [beat] With her.

I'm gonna get out of here. I'm gonna be the best father anybody could ever want.

Delia Mendez-Powell

George, why don't you focus on the positive? If it's not yours, maybe we can get you out of here a lot faster -

That woman and the baby she's carrying are the only things that keep me alive. They're gonna change my life, Mommy. They're gonna make me into the man I always knew I could be, the man you said I could be.

Berdie Rogers

What exactly is your real issue? See I can't quite pin down whether you're a misogynist, or a racist, or a winning combination of the two.

Sam Healy

You foster inappropriate relationships, you walk around here like you own the place. You come in here every week with a different hairstyle, and your class is a festering incubator of deviance!

Berdie Rogers

You're a vengeful little man, aren't you? But I'll be back. Because I am good at what I do.

Poor Russell Crowe. The guy sings like a dead carp getting a blow job.

[To Pennsatucky, dropping a big armful of sweets and chips onto her bed] There you go.

What's all that for?

Well, I, uh... I want you to go down on me

Hell no, that's disgusting.

Yeah, but I'm feeling horny, so I'm buying you. Look, there's some M&M's in there. So let's go. Get me off.

That's not funny.

I'm not joking. You're for sale, and I'm purchasing her services. Just, you know, check out, go to your happy place. I'll be quick.

[softly] Stop that.

[becoming louder and more aggressive] And maybe I'll sodomise you while I"m at it. You know, stick a hairbrush up your ass. Hold you down, pull your hair, maybe bite your neck. Wouldn't that be fun? You might like that. Why don't you try it, huh? Why don't you try that? Just let me have my fucking way with you. Hey, I could tie you up. We could maybe use your fucking T-shirt as a gag, huh?

[loudly] Will you stop it!?

I'm gonna do whatever I fucking want to you, and you're gonna lie there and you're gonna take it. Because that's the way this works, isn't it? Isn't that it!?

[breaking down in tears] Stop that. [sobs] Stop it. [she rests her head in her hands. Referring to Charlie "Donuts" Coates, the prison guard who regularly rapes her] I wanted to stop... I wanted to stop so bad, I wanted him to stop.

Good. Cause we're gonna get that motherfucker. [she takes Pennsatucky into her arms and holds her] Come on. It's okay.

Maria Ruiz

[about Yadriel and her daughter] You know, I kept leaving these messages, calling him an asshole, saying, "Oh, my baby girl needs her mama". But the truth is that she's fine. Yadriel loves her. His mother is a good person and she's gonna be okay. I'm not freaking out because she needs me. I'm freaking out because I need her.

And you got to stop using slavery every time you wanna justify some foolishness!

I'm just using it as a placeholder till I become Jewish and I can pin it on Hitler.

Sophia Burset

Everybody acts cool most of the time, you know? "Oh, Sophia, hit me with the gossip", "What do you think about bangs, Sophia?" You start to feel like one of the girls. But then something turns and you realize you're still a freak and you'll never be one of them.

Sister Jane Ingalls

Jesus said, "But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you".

Sophia Burset

Nothin' about disemboweling your enemies with a hot curling iron?

Sister Jane Ingalls

You'd think, right? Especially since he had it pretty rough there at the end. But he went quietly.

Joe Caputo

I wouldn't have thought Ford was your type.

He's not my type. He's just a beautiful man. It's empirical.

You know, I've done some deeply questionable shit in my life, but the foreign-object-ass-rape of an unconscious man? Still not crossed off my list.

Boo, this is fucking creepy, and you know it, right?

Yeah, of course, but... Yeah, but I thought you'd wanna do it. This is my gift to you. It'll help you to work out that rage and that anger. You know, hmm?

I don't have rage. I'm just sad.

Next.

Alex Vause

Ivory soap, Colgate, Diet Coke.

Bad choice. Aspartame invented by Donald Rumsfeld in the '80s. Mind control.

That's true.

Alex Vause

Seriously? You, too?

Did you know that Monsanto gave Donald Rumsfeld $12 million for aspartame in 1985?

Yes.

All right, we should talk.

Can I be a Jew?

You really want this? Sincerely? Not because this one's trying to blackmail me for something stupid when I was 19 or for broccoli with your dinner? What is this for you?

Honestly? [breaking into tears] I think I found my people. [exhales sharply] I was raised in a church where I was told to believe and pray. And if I was bad, I'd go to hell. If I was good, I'd go to heaven. And if I'd ask Jesus, he'd forgive me, and that was that. And here y'all saying ain't no hell ain't sure about heaven. And if you do something wrong, you got to figure it out yourself. And as far as God's concerned, it's your job to keep asking questions and to keep learning and to keep arguing. It's like a verb. It's like you do God. And that's a lot of work. But I think I'm in, at least as far as I can see it. I mean, maybe I'll learn more and say, "Fuck the whole thing." I mean, but I wanna learn more, and I think I gotta be in it to do that. You know, does that make sense? Shit, did I just talk myself out of it? Fuck.

Ask me again.

Piper Chapman

My job is to handle shit in here. Your job is to handle shit out there.

Okay, Pipes, while I'm really proud of how evil prison has made you, I think you're overestimating your villain index. You're still transitioning. You know, you're not Walter White yet. You're Walter White-ink.

Pearson quit? You have the chance for a promotion, and you're going limp?

Joe Caputo

Even if I wanted his job, and I don't, it's a lateral move.

A lateral move with more pay?

Joe Caputo

Yes. It's a promotion. But I'm not gonna capitalize on Burset. I'm gonna fight for her.

Why?

Joe Caputo

Because I wear protection, so I haven't caught whatever form of syphilis you have that caused your soul to rot.