My Name Is Earl Season 2 quotes

[narrating] Then it hit me like a headbutt.

[to Earl, who called his bag a purse] You son of a bitch, it's a satchel.

Joy

I have never been 0 for 2 in one night. 2 for 3, but never 0 for 2... Randy, do you know where babies come from?

Randy

Yeah. From the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt.

[singing to the tune of Pat Benatar's Heartbreaker] You're a pot breaker, fern shaker, scar maker, don't you mess around with me.

Ohh yeah you're a blood taker, face breaker, scab maker. Get that fern away -- no, no, no.

We could walk round the mall and no one would stare, but now they will. I'm a clown, Randy. I'm a damn clown.

Randy

But people like clowns. Hey, wait a second, if we all paint our faces up to look like clowns all the time then no one would know that Earl Jr. wasn't yours. Can we, Earl? Can we paint our faces like clowns?

Randy, we're not painting our faces like clowns. People'd still stare, and when it rains we'd be screwed.

Randy

Thank God you woke me. I was having an eight hour dream about a ball of yarn. It was so boring, I tried to go to sleep, but I already was.

Joy

As you can see I have a black son and a white son, but I don't see race so I can't tell which is which.

Maybe if someone had kicked my dad in the nuts years ago, he wouldn't have been such a mean guy and my mom wouldn't have hit the highway.

Wow, that must've been tough, seeing your mom leave.

Oh, she didn't leave. My dad threw her out of a moving car. Still, it was tough to watch.

What do the doctors say?

I haven't been to a doctor. As my father used to say, "never trust a man who wants to stick his finger in your butt".

You can't argue with that logic.

Yeah, well, if he was so smart he wouldn't have ended up with a hole in his head where the vodka should've been.