Hey, you're not allowed in pubs.
I am if I have a plated meal in a clearly designated restaurant area.
S3Ding Dong Merrily
S4Fitting Punishment
I've got the training, I've got the equipment, all I need now is the collapse of western civilization.
S4They Shoot Harpers, Don't They?
GMrs Gleaves
You're a user, just like my husband!
You're a nutcase, just like my wife!
S4The Great Escape
What happened?
I'd just rather not talk about it right now.
Okay. Good night.
Susan, I very nearly had sexual intercourse with your mother.
What?
I didn't know she was there. I thought it was you.
Oh... Ben, that's... that's... that's terrible! (begins laughing) And funny at the same time.
It is not funny!
Oh, come on, it's a little bit funny.
Susan, I– we very nearly became a Greek tragedy!
Look, look, I don't want her here any more than you do, but she's in great pain and can't move.
Are you sure she's not faking it?
I don't know, you tell me. (begins laughing again)
S4Return of the Prodigal Prat
(pulling a container from the refrigerator) Is this lasagne or fish?
What's it smell like?
Fish.
Then it's lasagne.
S4Owed to Susan
Eh, poetry... I'm not that desperate, I can tell you!
Then could you stop feeling up the grapefruit?
S4Deliverance
(Ben flashbacks to Nick's birth. However, instead of a baby, he pictures a full grown Nick sticking out from between his mothers legs).
Hello Dad! Could you lend me a fiver?
S4Blind Justice
Your mother's gone blind because she's seen the unseeable: your messy room! (whispers) She didn't see the girl you had up there, though.
Yes I did, but, you know, I'm cool with that.
S4Friday the 31st
(Susan has run out of treats.)
And for you, something really special!
G1Girl 1
A Biro with half an inch of ink in it?
People will kill for one of those in Morocco.
G1Girl 1
We're not in Morocco!
More's the pity!
S4Sitting Targets
(of Kenzo) Susan, the baby will wake up when he's good and ready.
That is so old-fashioned! Haven't you read any of the latest baby care books?
Have you?
I don't need to; I've raised three children... and you.
S4Loco Parentis
Susan, admit it. All these years, you have been screwing up the kids. It's me, I've been the perfect parent.
S4The Canary Cage
(speaking on telephone) Oh, hello. Yes, mi nombre es Senora Susan Harper. ¿cómo está usted?
Susan, hello? You're phoning London.
I know, but, you know, "when in Rome".
We're not in Rome, we're in hell!
S4May the Best Man Win
Hello Judith
It's Judas!!!
S4It's a Window-Filled Life
(subdued) I've just seen what my family's life would be like, had I never been born. They'd be no different. No difference at all. I've had no effect on anything.
CClarence
Wow, that's depressing.
No, it's not. (grins) It's wonderful! Don't you see? They're the crazy ones! I'm off the hook!
S4Sixty Feet Under
Delays on the Tube
Oh, for crying out loud...
Ben, calm down. It's only been five minutes.
(staring at a nervous, elderly couple) That's how it always starts. With five minutes. Then ten. Then half an hour. Then an hour. Then two hours... and then a month.
Nick.
Then two months.
Nick!
Then a year!
Nick, please!
BHBarry Hall
Could you please get your son to be quiet?
No, but you have a go, by all means.
BBarry
He's making my wife nervous.
You'll get used to it.
BBarry
That's right. Nothing to do with you. Wash your hands of it.
Don't worry. He has.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's My Family pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.