A character in My Family
Played by Kris Marshall
My Family · 86 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in My Family: in 19 of its 86 quotes
Most scenes with: Ben Harper (9), Susan Harper (3), Michael (3)
NickHere we have a typical English home, the family seat of the Harper dynasty. And here we have a typical English man. Hey, Dad! As you can see he's taken the day off to slob around in his dressing gown. There's the telly and there's his banana sandwich. Some of you may be interested to know that he's just had a big falling out with his daughter, after he called her a prostitute.
NickDad, now Janey's going, can I have a pay rise?
NickWho'd have thought it, eh? Our little girl flying the nest. Before you know it, Michael will be gone too. Then it will just be the three of us, the way it was meant to be.
NickOh, no! My worst nightmare: two lesbians sharing a bed in my house, and one of them's my sister!
NickWhat putrefaction is this? Michael, holy water. (takes a spray bottle) Music. (plays Tubular Bells) Be thou not afraid! (sprays Ben)
(Ben flashbacks to Nick's birth. However, instead of a baby, he pictures a full grown Nick sticking out from between his mothers legs).
NickHello Dad! Could you lend me a fiver?
Nick is chatting online to a girl who, in Janey's opinion, sounds too good to be true
NickShe's French, she's called Isabelle, she's a swimwear model, and her father's the chairman of a major electronics business.
Does the phrase "pull the other one" mean anything to you?
Nick(grins) Ah, you think she's got a sister?
The next morning where everyone except Dave is downstairs:
Nick, would you like to tell me what the hell 'Dave' is doing in our house?
NickOh yeah, Dad. You know how you told me I needed a new job, well guess what! I'm a landlord!
NickI was expecting someone else.
So was I, but your mother swears you're ours.
What a splendid family. I've got a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me and a...(looks at Nick) pillock.
NickLook on the bright side, Dad. At least it took your mind off Mr Casey.
Oh, yes. Mr Casey! Mr Casey! (exit)
(looks at Nick) You pillock!
NickDad, have you seen the car keys lately?
No.
Nick(holds up the keys and jingles them in his face) Well, take a good look. I won't be back till late!
I went to see her last time she was dying.
NickI'll go next time.
And what happens if she really is dying?
Nick(grins) Then I win!
NickI get to set my own hours, get to work from home, and talk about job satisfaction!
What exactly is this new job?
NickSperm donor.
NickI'm doing The Knowledge.
You haven't even passed The Ignorance.
NickIs that Chinese takeaway?
No, it's Chinese keep-away.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's My Family pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
