Susan Harper quotes from My Family

Susan

[identifying who has called her, crying] Oh, Doreen. My yoga teacher, poor thing. While she was becoming one with the universe, her husband was becoming one with an accounts manager from Croydon.

Susan

If you had been a more organised person, maybe you could've been a doctor by now!

Ben

If you'd have been five inches taller, blonde, with long legs, you could've been a doctor's wife by now!

Those old people are swingers.

Susan

Swingers? As in Glenn Miller, or as in Glenn Miller, his wife and the rest of his band?

Susan

They say it's there for our protection.

Ben

Protection from what? I've almost broken my bloody neck on the staircase, I've got a son who's deaf, I've got a son in a coma, and a daughter as ugly as sin!

Janey

I wish I was dead!

Susan

Janey! How can you say that? "I wish I *were* dead." The subjunctive. Boys are more impressed by good grammar than tight jeans, you know.

Susan

She'll grow out of it.

Ben

I should hope so.

Susan

I did.

Ben

I should bloody hope so.

Susan Harper

For little girls get bigger every day...

Ben Harper

Grow up then.

Ben

I mean, if I popped my clogs, would you replace me with a pet?

Susan

No pet could replace you. Except perhaps a bad-tempered ferret.

Ben

What a splendid family. I've got a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me and a...(looks at Nick) pillock.

Nick

Look on the bright side, Dad. At least it took your mind off Mr Casey.

Ben

Oh, yes. Mr Casey! Mr Casey! (exit)

Susan

(looks at Nick) You pillock!

Susan

Don't eat that! You'll ruin your dinner.

Ben

I thought that was your job.

Susan

No, my job is to ruin your life.

Susan

The motto on your family crest should read: "Mediocrity or Death".

Ben

Well, it's better than "For a Good Time, Call"!

You can't argue someone to death.

Susan

Yes you can.

No you can't.

Susan

Well, that's your opinion.

Yes it is.

Susan

Well you're wrong.

(exhausted) In God's eyes, you're not guilty.

Susan

Oh, what does He know?

Nick

I get to set my own hours, get to work from home, and talk about job satisfaction!

Susan

What exactly is this new job?

Nick

Sperm donor.

Ben

Who?

Susan

You know. Our guest. The one who eats all our food and is always bothering us?

Ben

Oh, Abi.

Susan

No, the hairy one.

Ben

Nick.

Susan

(under her breath) You're late.

Ben

(under his breath) How do you know? You've not met me yet.