Monk quotes

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Joe Christie: [indicates the prize mug] What do you think?
Adrian Monk: I think Edna was killed over this mug.
Joe Christie: Really?
Adrian Monk: No.
Joe Christie: Well, maybe it's made out of gold and painted over.
Adrian Monk: Joe... [He taps the mug with his pen. It's obviously ceramic]
Joe Christie: Hey, you said try 300 theories until one fits.
Adrian Monk: I said that?
Joe Christie: Yeah. I remember everything you ever said, God help me.

Lt. Randall Disher: [describing his "Rolex" to the others] I can tell you what time it is all around the world. It's 5:30 here; in Denver, 3:30; in California, 12:17; in Paris, France... time has stopped.

Monk: [to a Korn member] I like your socks.
Band Member: They're not socks. [He pulls up his pant leg and uncovers a very large tattoo, and Monk covers his eyes and Julie's eyes.]

Monk: Hey, you know what they say: wherever the Monk is, it's Mardi Gras.

Monk: I am so outta here.

Monk: I like your music. It's very... musical. But I wish I could understand more of the words.

Monk: I play the clarinet. Played with Willie Nelson.

Monk: I solved the case!
Sharona: What are you doing?
Monk: I'm dancing a jig!
Sharona: That's not a jig.
Monk: What is it, then?
Sharona: I don't know, I don't want to know.
Monk: I'm back, baby!

Monk: You... it was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!
[confused, everyone turns to look]
Busboy: Me?
Sharona: What are you doing? He's a busboy!
Monk: Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you! Don't try to deny it-
Stottlemeyer: Monk...
Monk: We saw what you did-!
Stottlemeyer: Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?

Natalie Teeger: [as Monk puts a small coin in a donation jar at the museum] It says five dollars.
Adrian Monk: Suggested donation. Considered their suggestion. Appreciate their suggestion. Decided to give less.

Sharona Fleming: Now Benjy, you're grounded! That means no TV, and no Playstation!
Benjy Fleming: Mom!
Adrian Monk: Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father!
Adrian Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.
[He rips off the Band-Aid again.]
Benjy Fleming: OW!

Sharona: 74 percent is good enough for me! [tackles the Commissioner and wrestles to grab his toupee]

Sharona: I am your nurse! Why didn't you tell me?
Monk: Because I knew you'd bring me down! You're bringing the Monk down, man.

Stottlemeyer: So, that means if I'm drunk as a skunk, completely plastered, I'm as smart as you?
Monk: Smarter!

Varla Davis: [Picks up piece of paper] "List of Adrian Monk's fears and phobias." Hmm... "Germs, Needles, Snakes, Heights, Milk, Cr..." MILK? You're afraid of milk?! My three-year-old nephew isn't even afraid of milk!
Adrian Monk: You must be very proud of him.
Varla Davis: Yes, I am proud of him, not because of that, but because he's normal. You're not anything near that!