TV show quotes
[speaking to Luke's parents] All right, I just want to say that we've all come to really love your son, and I know my daughter is crazy about him, so... I'm sure there's a happy ending in here somewhere.
If Violet just gave him a happy ending we woul...
Mom!
[as Luke's parents are leaving] By the way, Pastor. We're going to raise the baby Jewish.
And we're not Jews.
Shalom, bitch!
[as Christy tucks her in] Am I pretty?
What? Of course you are, you're beautiful.
I don't feel beautiful. I feel like a man trapped in a man's body.
That's all in your head.
Are you saying I'm crazy?
Not in this context. Go to sleep, things will look a lot better in the morning.
We're not sure that Luke is the only boy who has slept with this temptress.
Now hold it right there, I can assure you that with every generation of our family, the women get better. Now, I may have been a drunken slut.
She was.
And my daughter may also have been a drunken slut.
Hey!
What?
Sorry, go on.
But this angel was pure as snow until she smoked your son's blunt, drank his tequila and made mad passionate love to him for about 2 minutes. [to Violet] Am I right so far?
[uncomfortably] Pretty much.
Dammit, I forgot I have to take Violet to her doctor's appointment!
I know, I had Luke take her in early. She's gained 3 pounds, the baby's the size of an heirloom tomato.
Do we have a Bible?
We have one that's hollowed out.
Why would it be hollow?
...I misspoke. We don't have a Bible.
Never mind, I'll just get one at the library.
Why do you want to read the Bible?
Because I'm curious.
What? I didn't raise you to be curious.
Luke's father thinks I should come to his church and work on my soul.
Well you tell Luke's father that I said your soul can kick his soul's ass.
Marjorie, how many cats do you own?
Oh, you don't own cats. You love them.
Okay... How many cats do you love?
[pointing and gesturing] Well, let's see. That's Carlos Santana, and that's Grace Slick, and that's Boz Skaggs, and Steve Miller, and these three are the Tower of Power horn section. And this fat little trouble-maker is Jerry Garcia. So... eight.
[walks in on Luke and Violet on her bed with her jeans half on] God, lock the door!
No, it's not what you think, I'm trying to get them *on* her.
What?
None of my stupid pants fit!
Of course not, Violet, you're pregnant. You had to know this was going to happen.
I did but I still wanted to be hot.
You were hot, that's why you're pregnant.
But the real magic happens when we start to combine flavors. For example, take a simple cherry tomato, squirt a little aged balsamic vinegar into its fleshy center...
Cherry. Squirt. Fleshy. You can't help yourself, can you?
It's very hard.
Rudy said he doesn't want to see you anymore.
What? Wait, why are you telling me this and not him?
Because he has an emotionally crippling mother.
So why don't you drink?
I'm allergic to alcohol, any time I drink it I break out in handcuffs.
What a shame, I happen to have a large collection of both wine and handcuffs.
[Christy and Bonnie are confessing long-held secret to each other] Okay, I got one. Remember that kilo of hash that was stolen from your car?
Yeah?
Best. Junior Prom. Ever.
Are you crazy? I was almost KILLED for that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I had a GUN to my head in the desert, they made me dig my own grave!
That's too bad. I was voted queen of the prom!
This ass was spanked a lot as a kid and it's a better ass for it.
Well I want to raise our baby with patience and understanding.
Why? You weren't raised that way.
I know. I want to do better by our child. I want to be able to break the cycle.
Wow, that's ambitious.
[Knocks on door. Violet answers] Hi. Is Christy Plunkett here?
You a bill collector?
No.
Subpoena?
No.
Are we being evicted again?
No. What do you mean "again"?
Never mind. She's not here.
Oh, okay. You, uh... you must be her daughter.
Listen pal, we're not joining your church.
I'm not... Forget it. I'll come back another time.
Whatever. [Slams door]
Wow. My granddaughter's a joy.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mom pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
