Bonnie Plunkett quotes from Mom

Bonnie

You know, I had sex with a missionary once and oddly -- he wasn't a fan of the position.

Christy

While other mothers were cooking dinner, you were cooking meth.

Bonnie

Otherwise known as working.

Christy

Mom, I've watched you lick cocaine crumbs out of a shag carpet.

Bonnie

It's not a sin to be thrifty, dear.

Christy

That's how you get into heaven, letting a little guy go up on you.

Bonnie

I wish. All he wanted to do was spank me.

Christy

Well, no good deed goes unpunished.

Violet

I'll have the test results in two minutes.

Christy

That's great. I mean the time to worry is so much less. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 20 minutes.

Violet

Really?

Christy

Yeah, that's how far science has come. So, that's great! [to Bonnie] We'll know the test results in 2 minutes.

Bonnie

Wow. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 2 hours.

Christy

Really?

Bonnie

Yeah, that's a long time to wait in a gas station bathroom.

Bonnie

[holding up one of Christy's dresses] Were you sober when you bought this?

Christy

I don't even remember. I hate all my clothes, they're all from when I was drinking.

Bonnie

[holds up red plastic dress] What were you when you bought this?

Christy

Popular.

[playing blackjack] I don't have anymore money.

Bonnie

No money? Or no money ON you?

Well, I have some upstairs in my piggy bank.

Bonnie

Well it's not doing you any good up there, is it?

Bonnie

So how'd it go with your boss?

Christy

I broke his leg *and* his nose.

Bonnie

It felt good, didn't it?

Christy

No, it didn't.

Bonnie

A little bit?

Christy

...A little.

Bonnie

Recovering from the fatal disease of alcoholism doesn't mean I can't get some strange every once in a while.

Christy

You should sew that on a pillow.

Marjorie

Christy, if a man won't wait until you're ready to share your secret garden, he's not worth a second of your time.

Bonnie

Secret garden? Holy Moses, how many cats do you own?

Marjorie

Four.

Bonnie

[Christy doesn't want to talk about her relationship] So how about you, Luke still worried he'll poke the baby's eye out?

Violet

Luke is a very caring and sensitive person, and I don't want to talk about it.

Bonnie

[pause] Well since nobody's going to ask me, I'll tell you, I took home a vice cop last night and I do want to talk about it.

Christy

[speaking to Luke's parents] All right, I just want to say that we've all come to really love your son, and I know my daughter is crazy about him, so... I'm sure there's a happy ending in here somewhere.

Bonnie

If Violet just gave him a happy ending we woul...

Christy

Mom!

Christy

[as Luke's parents are leaving] By the way, Pastor. We're going to raise the baby Jewish.

Bonnie

And we're not Jews.

Christy

Shalom, bitch!

Bonnie

[as Christy tucks her in] Am I pretty?

Christy

What? Of course you are, you're beautiful.

Bonnie

I don't feel beautiful. I feel like a man trapped in a man's body.

Christy

That's all in your head.

Bonnie

Are you saying I'm crazy?

Christy

Not in this context. Go to sleep, things will look a lot better in the morning.

We're not sure that Luke is the only boy who has slept with this temptress.

Bonnie

Now hold it right there, I can assure you that with every generation of our family, the women get better. Now, I may have been a drunken slut.

Christy

She was.

Bonnie

And my daughter may also have been a drunken slut.

Christy

Hey!

Bonnie

What?

Christy

Sorry, go on.

Bonnie

But this angel was pure as snow until she smoked your son's blunt, drank his tequila and made mad passionate love to him for about 2 minutes. [to Violet] Am I right so far?

Violet

[uncomfortably] Pretty much.