Christy Plunkett quotes from Mom

Christy

Some mothers teach their daughters how to bake. Mine taught me how to beat a cavity search and still feel like a lady.

Christy

Maybe when you get an award for your psoriasis.

Christy

While other mothers were cooking dinner, you were cooking meth.

Bonnie

Otherwise known as working.

Christy

Mom, I've watched you lick cocaine crumbs out of a shag carpet.

Bonnie

It's not a sin to be thrifty, dear.

Christy

Violet, I can't tell you not to have sex at your age, because I had sex at your age.

Violet

Mom, I'm not having sex.

Christy

Uh, don't lie to the woman who washes your sheets.

Christy

That's how you get into heaven, letting a little guy go up on you.

Bonnie

I wish. All he wanted to do was spank me.

Christy

Well, no good deed goes unpunished.

Violet

I'll have the test results in two minutes.

Christy

That's great. I mean the time to worry is so much less. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 20 minutes.

Violet

Really?

Christy

Yeah, that's how far science has come. So, that's great! [to Bonnie] We'll know the test results in 2 minutes.

Bonnie

Wow. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 2 hours.

Christy

Really?

Bonnie

Yeah, that's a long time to wait in a gas station bathroom.

Bonnie

[holding up one of Christy's dresses] Were you sober when you bought this?

Christy

I don't even remember. I hate all my clothes, they're all from when I was drinking.

Bonnie

[holds up red plastic dress] What were you when you bought this?

Christy

Popular.

Bonnie

So how'd it go with your boss?

Christy

I broke his leg *and* his nose.

Bonnie

It felt good, didn't it?

Christy

No, it didn't.

Bonnie

A little bit?

Christy

...A little.

Christy

Regina, I know this is difficult for you, but I just want you to know, I think you're doing great.

Regina

Really? 'Cause I think I might snap and kill you and your mother in your sleep.

Bonnie

Recovering from the fatal disease of alcoholism doesn't mean I can't get some strange every once in a while.

Christy

You should sew that on a pillow.

Luke

I'm telling you, I walked in on my parents having sex once and it traumatized me.

Violet

This isn't the same thing.

Luke

Yeah, it's worse, the kid can't run out of the room screaming.

Violet

[Christy enters] Mom, tell Luke he's not going to hurt the baby.

Christy

...If I do that, he'll have sex with you. [to Luke] Stick to your guns.

Christy

[speaking to Luke's parents] All right, I just want to say that we've all come to really love your son, and I know my daughter is crazy about him, so... I'm sure there's a happy ending in here somewhere.

Bonnie

If Violet just gave him a happy ending we woul...

Christy

Mom!

Christy

[as Luke's parents are leaving] By the way, Pastor. We're going to raise the baby Jewish.

Bonnie

And we're not Jews.

Christy

Shalom, bitch!

Bonnie

[as Christy tucks her in] Am I pretty?

Christy

What? Of course you are, you're beautiful.

Bonnie

I don't feel beautiful. I feel like a man trapped in a man's body.

Christy

That's all in your head.

Bonnie

Are you saying I'm crazy?

Christy

Not in this context. Go to sleep, things will look a lot better in the morning.