Mike quotes from Mike Tyson Mysteries

Mike

Oh, my God! Are you a lesbian?

Yung

No, I'm not a lesbian.

Mike

You're a lesbian and you're afraid to come out to me. [looks at the empty beer cans, cigarette butts, prescription medications and bottles, and a bong around the living room] Is that why you drinkin' and druggin', because you have so much shame?

Yung

This is all Pigeon's, not me.

Mike

Yung, I will love you no matter who you choose to lay with.

Pigeon

Hey. Hey, who turned off the gas?

Marquess

Oh, Pigeon, just take a fucking damn anti-depressant like the rest of us.

Pigeon

Yeah, well, if any of you were really my friends, you'd let me die in peace.

Mike

[watching "On Golden Pond"] Hey, Pigeon, is that the guy from 9 to 5?

Pigeon

Yeah, Dabney Coleman. I love Dabney Coleman. He's a reason not to kill yourself.

Marquess

Didn't he pass away a few years ago?

Pigeon

What? I'm going back in the oven. [Pigeon turns the oven on and closes the oven door]

Marquess

Oh, wait a second, I'm thinking of Charles Durning. Dabney Coleman's still alive.

Yung

We don't have to tell him that.

You're saying my wife was an alien? And now she's just gone back to her home planet? We were married for seven years. I just... I just can't believe it.

Yung

We're so sorry.

Well, as bad as it is, for whatever reason, it makes me feel better to know she wasn't faithful.

Mike

What are you talking about? She is very unfaithful. I would estimate she slept with anywhere from one to 10,000 people. She was probably harvesting sperm for an alien species. Unless she was doing it for her own personal pleasure. Either way, she was very, very promiscuous.

Yung

Dad, you didn't have to tell him that part.