Skwisgaar! It appears as if someone has peed your pants!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[in a demo session; off-tempo and not energetic] Falling down / hurt yourself / Really can hurt...really, can, really now- CAN WE STOP THIS THING?!
DDick
Okay, fine. What's going on?
I guess I'm just not feeling it.
DDick
That "falling down" stuff's good! I mean, it's good enough!
Dude, Nathan! We've been doing demos for 37 days! When are you gonna start feeling it, already?!
I don't know.
DDick
[with a stripper on his lap] Check it out, Amber here was feeling it! She was bouncing on my lap...up and down, up and down, right Amber? [before Amber can reply] Don't talk. You know the rules.
[also with two stripper; Murderface has a fat one sitting with him off to the side] Hey Trinitys...and her sisters, Quadrupaltys, alsos really exciteds, they gives me double blow jobs.
[two strippers are fondling his legs] Maybe I need a blow job. You know?
This vacation, SUCKS! You know, it's all that stupid lady producer's fault! She did this to us on purpose!
Well maybe if you hadn't, DESTROYED THE RECORD in the first place...
I'm getting tired of this...
We wouldn't be here in the first place!
I SAID I WAS SORRY!
No! You DIDN'T, EVER say you were sorry!
IT WAS IMPLIED!!
I'D LIKE TO ADD, TO THE...
YOU KNOW, THAT I HAVE AN APOLOGY PROBLEM!!!
SSoldier
Get in the van, now!
Okay, did you remember to pack your deady bear?
Yeps.
Kay, you got your fluoride whore's blood extra-whitening toothpaste with flavor crystals?
Yeps.
You got your pentagram crackers, right?
Yeps.
You got your severed fingerpaints?
Yeps.
You got your Dante's Inferno Seven Layers of Hell coloring book?
Yeps.
You got your My Little Disemboweled Pony lunch box, right?
Yeps.
You got your Rock-A-Rooni disguise so no one knows who you are, right?
[puts on a baseball cap] Yeps, as long as I wears dis, no one will knows that I'm famous!
Good. And of course, you got your insulin and your needles, right?
Yeps, never leaves my sides.
Ugh, okay! I hear you I HEAR YOU! [turns light on] God what time is it?
Can we sleeps with you, Pickle?
[in regret] We had too much whipped cream and watched...
Guys, guys, guys what do I keep telling you about eating too much chocolate and watching scary movies?
You said to don't do it, but we diiid!
You said that we shouldn't do its, but nows it's too lates.
It doesn't matter now...please Pickles...
All right, fine just...[Skwisgaar and Murderface immediately get in Pickles bed]
All right!
Thanks, Pickle!
...just get in the bed, and go to sleep, okay?!
Oh, thanks you Pickle.
[sighs in relief] [whispering] Oh uh, I gotta fart!
Uh oh... [snickering as Murderface farts]
God fucking dammit, go to bed!
Pickles, wake up, we gotta go get Toki!
Okay, Nathan, do you think you're over parenting Toki, just a little bit?
Uhhhh...[seeing Murderface and Skwisgaar in the bed] What the fuck are you guys doing in his bed?
I'd rather not talk about it.
You know what? Dis ams bullshit! I'm not just some dildo jack-off campers! My names Toki Wartooth, and I'm in Dethkloks! [audience gasps at his identity] Now I'ms taking my snow globes and gettings the fuck outta here! [turns to get his snow globe, which is missing from it's spot] Oh no, where's my snow globes?
BBully
You mean thiiiis? [holds up the snow globe and smashes it on the ground, Toki stands upset] Oops. [laughs]
[picking up the snow globe] Oh shit little kid...you just fucked up real bad...
[cornering Toki's bully, holding Toki's broken snow globe] Tell me. Which hand do you fret with?
[in a comfort chair] Move my feet lower and my head up higher.
How's that, sire?
I'm eating a piece of pizza, closer to my head.
Hey, Nathan, can I talk to you for a minute?
How's that, sire?
Getting better, getting warmer]
...in confidence.
Is that adequate, sire?
FUCK OFF! [klokateer leaves]
Y-yes sire.
[in jolly mood] Heh-hey, Nathan, pal! Good 'ole Nathan, aw man, look at those shoulders, Captain of the ship! What's happening man? [pause] Nathan, I want you to look at me. Are you looking at me?
[trying to ignore him] Kind of.
[in dramatic mood] I'm gonna tell you a sad tale.
Oh God...
Imagine a child, so horrific looking...
Uh huh...
That he drove his parents to murder-suicide.
Yeah, you right?
Well- uh...Imagine a man...with so little self esteem...
You.
...that he looks...and acts like me!
You.
Well that man is me!
Well glad that we uh...had this little chat. See you later...
You're just not getting it. Listen to me-
YOU WANNA BORROW SOME MONEY, JUST SAY IT!!
Yes I wanna borrow some money, but-
I'll give you anything just to get you away from me, all right?
I won't forget this pal! I'm having some work done down in Tijuana, shhh don't tell the others, it's our secret, you know because it's uh, cost effective-
GET OUT OF HERE!!!
DDoctor
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You've been jacking off so hard, that you've got advanced carpal tunnel syndrome. Whatever.
So uhh, you're saying we were touching our...you know whats too much? [Abigail giggles] Hey this is serious stuff! Stop giggling!
AAbigail
I'm not, I'm being serious.
DDoctor
You must refrain from masturbating for the next three months. But beware, you will experience withdrawal, hallucination, sexual nightmares, gender issues. Without masturbation, men and women will go insane!
Excuse me, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention, I just wanna say a few things.
Oh God, please...please God...
I have a secret to reveal, I uh...there's been a bit of an inter-office relationship going on and uh...Abigail...and myself...are an item. [applause but Abigail looks shocked] I just wanted to announce that, thank you everyone, thank you. You're beautiful!
[enraged, smashes his wine glass] NO! No no no! You cannot have this too! You greedy, fat asshole! You fuck! Y-y-you destroy the record! You fucking take everything you see! [grabs dinner plates and smashes them] And you take, and you take! [Murderface, drunk walks over]
Hey, hey, hey!
Get off of me! Get off of me!
What are you gonna do, hit me?! [immediately punched by Pickles] AHHHHH! It's not supposed to happen!
Goddammit...I'm fucked. I'm fucking fucked over here. I got nothing...so I'm gonna fucking take myself the fuck outta here. I fucking quit. I fucking quit!
[at an audition for his new band, the drummer is doing a Metal beat] Stop, stop listen! It sounds like you're trying to sound like Dethklok, all right? That's- You're missing the point!
DDick
Yeah, guys, we're trying to get away, from the Dethklok sound, we're moving on. Get it? Nathan why don't you explain a little more about that.
Uhh...okay y-yeah.
Explains the sounds a bit...to them.
Uhh, it's gotta be umm, what are we talking about how it's sounds...
Measurables, hows to be extra sounds...
Extra...it has to be more than...
It has to be, you know, more dans the...
Yeah, but with less! But with less. Yeah.
Dat's the idea. So do dats.
There's no other way to explain it other than- I hope you were listening, 'cause that's not gonna happen again!
Skwisgaar: Yeah.
All right, ready? [drummer goes again, with a bit more variety] One, two- NOPE! NOPE! YES! Yes, yes-Nope. Okay thank you, you're done. [drummer stops playing] What am I doing wrong here?!
DDick
Between you and me, I don't think they get it. You know, you may need some studio ringers.
Session guys?
DDick
Yeah, session guys, hot shots, they just, they'll give you what you want, and all I gotta do is give them a ringy-ding. You say go and I will.
Oh, I don't know. What do you think?
I uhhh, was not listenings...to what....you two saids...
All right, let's do it.
Yeah.
DDick
Let's send these jerks home.
[to entire audition line] GO HOMES DING DONGS!
IMIshnifus Meaddle
What you must understand is that the Metalocalypse has been moving forward. These events have been foreseen—the death of a religious figure by the hand of the godless half-man set the clock to lurch forward. That five souls would come to shepherd us through the darkest times known.
Is that old guy supposed to be Santa Claus or some shit? Are we getting presents? What is happening here?!
IIshnifus
We are trying to tell you that you're the ones for which we have been waiting thousands and thousands of years. You are the chosen ones.
You mean we're the Jews?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Metalocalypse pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.