[William Murderface's "Murderknobs" commercial.]
[voice-over] Over a million babies and ladies die every hemisecond. That's why I use Murder Knobs.
[spoken] Doorknobs for a new world.
[Pickles the Drummer's "Pickle's Nickels" commercial.]
[voice-over] I'm Pickles the Drummer. And our country's experiencing a horrible problem - nobody is using nickels. Use nickels.
[spoken] Nickels is money too, guys.
VOVoice-over
Paid for in nickels by the US Department of Treasury.
[Nathan Explosion's "Explosion Sauce" commercial.]
[voice-over] I guess I've always hated my father. Explosion Sauce changed that.
[spoken] Explosion Sauce - it's good on its own.
[Toki Wartooth's "Willard Wonka Candy" commercial.]
[voice-over] I Toki. I slips in and out of diabetic coma. They should makes insulin-flavored candy. Whatever.
[spoken] Candy: tastes like chicken, if chicken was a candy.
[Nathan pours out several dozen watches from a bag onto the table.]
Dude, I thought you hated wearing a watch?
I smash...them. [smashes watch with fist]
Uh yeah, I- I mean they're mine, but...
[rummaging through the watches] Whoa that's nice. What is that, a Hamilton? [drops it and stomps on it] Well, that's... you know... fun.
Check it out, losers. Direct your attention to my crotch. See it?
[Murderface displays his purchase, a sharp and lethal-looking codpiece.]
Best purchase ever. It's not a big deal; it's just totally diamond-encrusted and titanium-based...
Oh, whats a coincidence! I gots a real cool codpiece too!
[Toki turns on a bright green strap-on vibrator and stands up to display it.]
Uh, that's a dildo? A strap-on dildo?
Aww, screw you all off! My codpiece is the coolest!
[Dethklok is conducting their annual employee evaluation interviews.]
Okay, so, uhh... number 421. You, ehh... you are part of the sector eighteen, recording studio maintainence clean team. Okay! Uhh... qui... couple questions. How, do, you, value, your, what you contribute, of, to, at the work force? Ehh... second part: which, do you most, can't, the least? Skwisgaar?
You write these questions?
Okay! Well, 421, do you have an answer?
K4Klokateer 421
I am a highly skilled microphone cleaner my masters, and what I most can't the least, would be do not a bad job, but always a good.
Okaaaay... good answer...
Well that's all I got, uh, guys?
No, I got one more question, and answer honestly! [long pause] Are you the guy who's embezzling from us?
[long pause] Okay... I believe you.
I would like to ask questions next time.
Are you askings us to do that, Toki?
Dats interesting. You saids, 'I woulds likes to asks a question.' Dats a statements.
What... is... the difference?
That's, a great question.
Yeah, well, all I can think about is the raffle. Can we win it?
Well dude, I fucking hope so, that's the only reason my ass is goin' 'ere!
Oh yeah! And there's gonna be an awesome motivational speaker. Oh my God I love being motivated. I love being motivated!
[A video on being considerate at the workplace airs.]
I have to works with you everyday. So please, would you please take it easy on the cologne?
While that hurts my feelings, I understand.
When you see a piece of trash on the ground, don't just stand there, PICK IT UUUUUP!
Yeah! And don't leave your lunch lying around either! It attracts ants!
And most important, remember - death is an everyday part of the workplace!
[Toki is shown taking out the trash and comes across a rotting corpse.]
So, when you see a dead body, don't freak out!
Just... ring your Deth-bell!
[Toki rings his Deth-bell]
[During an employee raffle, Klokateer 216 kicks Agent 216 in the face and begins to break his foot, Agent 216 is screaming but kicks Klokateer 216 in the face, Agent 216 loads a pistol and aims it at Murderface.]
Congratulations 216 you have won...
[Klokateer 216 trips Agent 216, who falls head-first into William's cod piece, which rams all the way through his skull. Blood sprays everywhere.]
...this diamond encrusted... cod-piece.
[Murderface rings his Deth-bell.]
CCustomer
Ay fuckface! Give me four number fives!
...Ummm... uhh... how much you wanted? A five?
CCustomer
No, retard! I want four fives!
CCustomer
Listen, Tonto! You give me four fives! And you do it now!
You - you wanted... you wanted?
CCustomer
Hey, wait a minute, aren't you Nathan Explosion?
[long pause] Yeah, I guess I am.
CCustomer
Didn't you have anything to fall back on after your band was killed by blackbirds?
Huh. No I never graduated from high school -
MManager
He's a complete idiot! Cannot even function! He's so Stupid!
Yeah. I'm stupid! Oh I am.
CCustomer
Oh, well that's too bad. OH SHIT LOOK OUT! [deliberatly squirts Nathan in the face with ketchup]
CCustomer
Oh, now you gotta go wash your face!
Ohh face, yeah - [places hands in the deep-fryer and splashes hot oil on his face, attempting to wash it] OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
MManager
That's the deep-fryer you idiot!
CCustomer
Your face is burning!
Sorry I'm late guys, I uh... just had another one a those, I-can't-figure-it-out dreams again, you know... I think I might be stupid.
How can you be stupid? You're famous!
Dat sounds smart to me no matter how many times you slice it.
Hey quick! What's six times, um, er, uh... twelve!
I gets punch for laughing?!
NNDr. Natasha Neshenskanovich
General. America is the dominant force in the world because our great people are dangerous and stupid. Nathan Explosion is a hero to the ignorant. If he seeks higher education, they will start to act as if they're as good as anyone! If the secret gets out that the working class is as smart as the upper crust that runs the world, well, the results would be catastrophic.
