[drunk] There someone here who wants to say hello!
[drunk] Hello!. Bye!.
[drunk] That was Tony!
S4 E5Drunk
[drunk] Time, gentlemen, please! Haven't you got homosexuals to go to?
[drunk] I am kneeling... I am kneeling... on the floor... outside the pub...
[drunk] DEBORAH! I (*beep*)ING LOVE YOU! COME DOWN! I WANT YOU!
[drunk] Can I give you a scone, and some protection?
Why do I have to live above two drunk morons?
[drunk] You don't! Who says you do? Just stay here in your flat.
[drunk] And then we tried to leave again, but this woman came in and said if we could fix her car. And would you believe it her car needed a whole new gearbox.
S4 E6In Bed With Dorothy
OOptician
What about contact lenses?
Ooh, no, no. I couldn't have something up against me eye. You know, right there, staring at me.
OOptician
I would imagine it's no more uncomfortable than wearing a condom, say.
How d'you wear a condom on your eye?
[talking about pain thresholds]
I mean, look at the fuss women make about child birth. Now, I'm not saying it doesn't smart a bit, but if blokes did it, I reckon you'd be looking at, what, give birth, have a couple of Paracetamol, maybe a bit of a nap and then back to work within the hour.
How did that happen?
Give me the trousers, Dorothy!
S4 E7Playing Away
Rearrange these words to form a sentence: Tony, and, Gary, are, morons, witless.
Morons are witless, Tony Gary... and?
Nearly.
Who wanted the painkillers?
Oh, me, ta.
What's wrong?
Toothache, little son of a bitch tosser down at the back...
Did you see the dentist?
Mmm, yeah.
What did he say?
I can't remember it was in 1986.
Maybe I should go on this creative writing course, I was always dead good at poetry at school. "I wandered lonely, as a clown, that flows on high o'er shoes and grass, when all o' the once I spied a crow, a hostess of goldy daffs"
[after pulling out a tooth and blood pouring from his mouth, Tony calls the hospital]
Eyo? An I beak u Goyothy, pease? Goyothy. Gee, Oh... No, Gee, ike in Gog. Gee, Oh, Jee. Jee, ike giraffe. Yeah. O! Dorothy, oo arole, le e eplain! Dorothy! Dorothy!... Eyo, Dorothy. I ust pulled by ooth out. I ondered if oo ould ing e some ainkillers om the ospiyall affer oor hift. Yeah. I'm in uite ayot o pain. Yeah. I eel a bit faint, yeah. I ink I'll ave a i down. Yeah, bye.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Men Behaving Badly pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.