Malcolm in the Middle quotes

227 total quotes

All Seasons
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Dewey: Is Reese a girl now?
Malcolm: No, Dewey, he's a woman.
Reese: Shut up.
Malcolm: Sorry, ma'am.

Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?
Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
Dewey: An evil circus?
Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.
Dewey: Thank you.

Dewey: Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil.
Lois: They're all evil, sweetie.

Dewey: What is that?
Malcolm: It's the cest pool.
Dewey: We have a pool?
Malcolm: It's the sewage of the house.

Dewey: What time is it?
Lady: It's still 4:00. You have to wait at least a minute for the time to change, dear.
Dewey: What time is it in China?
Lady: Well, sweetie, I think they're a good 20 hou...
Dewey: Do you speak Chinese?
Lady: Well, no...I bet...
Dewey: Is Chinatown in China?
Lady: Honey...if you want an answer to a question, you have to first wait...
Dewey: (plays with his feet) What does this toe do?
Lady: You know what, I think I need a pack of cigarettes...for the first time in 20 years.

Dewey: Why Can I go bowling too?
Lois: Because you are spending the night in your room. You are being punished and tomorrow you're going town to the store and buy Mrs. MacNabb a new parakeet.
Dewey: Aww Dad!
Hal: Don't look at me. As far as you boys are concerned, your mom and I are a united front.


Eric: (seeing Francis' notes, which is a little sheet of paper) That's your half? (picks up a book) THIS IS MY HALF!!!!

Francis: How am I ever gonna decide which one of you to take?
Malcolm: You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
Francis: No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.
[Malcolm and Reese look dejected]
Francis: Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!
Reese: We are happy!
Francis: You're not doing the happy dance.

Francis [to Malcolm]: I'm warning you, keep Mom out of your love life!
Malcolm: Mom has nothing to do with this.
Francis: Trust me, yes, she does -- she will ruin it, I swear! Whatever Mom tells you, don't do it. And don't do the opposite, either! The way it's worked for me is... Actually, it's never worked for me.

Francis: (knocking on Spangler's door) Sir?
Spangler: Go away! I told you I did not want to be disturbed. My aunt and I are... catching up.
Francis: I... I thought you said it was your mother, sir.
(Long pause)
Spangler: Go away!

Francis: Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calender.
Reese: Yeah' it is. It's the 31st.
Francis: No. Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that is Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your heats, every day is Halloween!
Reese: No, look! It is the 31st!

Francis: Hey I promised you girls! Not quality girls.

Francis: I have my own problems. I have to go to a kegger, party with my friends, and make out with an African goddess with this hanging over my head. Come on, Amanni.

Francis: Look at this, ever heard of fabric softener? These sheets are like sleeping on straw.
Cadet Martin: Hey, it was good enough for baby Jesus.
Francis: Get out!
(Cadet Martin leaves; Francis throws away all the detergent)