Francis: Ok let me tell you something. If I say I could eat a 100 Quacks, you could take that as a bonafide guarantee. And there's no need to resort to personal attacks, I would hate to raise the issue of you wearing BOXERS in the SHOWER!

Francis: Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.
[The cadet runs when Spangler turns his attention to Francis]
Hal: Francis!
Commandant Spangler: On no, I'm glad you saw this because this is exactly what I was talking about. Always underminding my authority, day in, day out. It's the same thing. Like when I made Cadet Dooley do 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillow case violation, Francis organizes a sit in. Or when I cut off the electricity in the 5th floor for contraband boom-box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.
Francis: He was hugging his dad!
Commandant Spangler: In front of his father he still defies me at every turn.
Hal: And everytime something like this happens, he challenges you.
Commandant Spangler: Every time.
Hal: Even though he knows he'll get in trouble.
Commandant Spangler: That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.
Hal: I understand.
Commandant Spangler:(turns to Francis) I will deal with you, later.

Francis: The strike has been settled! (the cadets cheer) We got his magic hat!
Eric: What about the TV?
Francis: Huh?

Hal (phone rings): Hello.
Francis: You are the best dad, ever.
Hal: I am not. I'm a terrible dad. I never should've lied to you.
Francis: Well, the important thing is that this is all behind us and I've learned my lesson.
Hal: What's that?
Francis: That you are the best dad ever.
Hal: Francis, I don't feel much like talking right now. (hangs up while Dewey scrubs the phone)

Hal (to an army general): Well, the thing is that when we saw the fence we did not know if we were going in or out, Malcolm, do you want to explain it?
Malcolm (terrified): No, I don't.

Hal (to Dewey): Now, this last bat is tricky, son. You see, if he lands in our hair, he'll bite, get tangled, and keep biting. But if he lands in your hair, he'll just bite once. So, I want you to go in and lure him out. Okay?
Dewey (scared): Okay.
(Dewey makes his way in and pokes the bat with the pole; through the bat's vision we see Dewey's mouth open up then the scream comes out, and as the bat flies towards him, Dewey runs out of the room; as it gets to the doorway lots of white lines literally fill its vision up within 2 seconds; back in the family's viewpoint we see Malcolm, Reese, and Hal emptying three FULL cans of silly string on it)
Everyone: YEAH!! ALL RIGHT!!
Hal: Well, I don't know about you, but I sure feel great. (The whole house is a wreck; Hal sighs) Okay, somebody go get the broom and dust pan.

Hal [to Craig about the security tape]: You will never mention a word of this to Lois.
Craig: But...
Hal: Uh Uh. Not one single word.
Dewey (comes up close): Got it?

Hal [to Lois]: I got to admit, it was sexy. Me having to bail you out of jail. (Lois looks at Hal) Well, it was sexy for me.
Lois: Oh, yeah, Hal. That was a real turn on.

Hal [to Lois]: Okay, here's the plan if we want to ditch out of this thing. At the beginning, I'll say that I think I might be coming down with something...
Lois: Hal, I don't want to ditch out of this. I'm looking forward to it. The Kenarbans are nice people, and they want to be friends with us.
Hal: So, you're saying I'm on my own here?

Hal [to Malcolm]: Whatcha' doing there, son?
Malcolm: I have to prove Kepler's Third Law of Motion.
Hal: What's Dewey doing?
Malcolm: Coloring.
Hal: I better get in there.

Hal: [answering the phone] Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. [hangs up; rips the phone from wall]

Hal: All right, silver Toyota, you win this round. (lets the Toyota pass him by) Haha, get there two seconds sooner!! It's just an accident waiting to happen.
(The car wrecks into a truck and everyone screams, Hal slams on his breaks)

Hal: Dewey, don't be frightened, but there's a spider next to you.
Dewey: Yeah, Dad. There's always a spider on Bacon Day.

Hal: Dewey, I only have one phone call, so put your mother on the phone so she can come pick us up.
(Dewey puts the phone down)
Lois: Who was that?
Dewey: Wrong number.

Hal: I don't understand it. How can we get 16 unpaid parking tickets and not even know about it?
[The scene switches to Francis on the phone at Marlin Academy.]
Francis: Mom, just calm down.
Lois: I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?
Francis: It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.
Lois: You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.