Malcolm in the Middle quotes

227 total quotes

All Seasons
 Season 1   Season 2  

Hal: So, Dewey, how was school today?
Dewey: Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.
Hal: Well, did you push him back?
Dewey: No, he's bigger than me.
Hal: Uh-huh... Reese?
Reese: I'm on it.

(After Francis keeps talking to another girl)
Amaani: You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.
Francis: Oh.
Amaani: Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.

(Hal and Tom are restrained by guards and both of them are sweating up a rainstorm.)
Hal: It's too late! Something snapped! I am way past the point of no return! We're talking primal animal urges! I'm gonna let nature take its course...AND KILL HIM!

Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?
Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
Dewey: An evil circus?
Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.
Dewey: Thank you.

Hal: Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. [looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]
Malcolm: [to the camera] Oh, man! I still play with that.
Hal: You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. [accidentally fires toy gun from the robot] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. [imitates robot] "I like you!" [imitates girl doll] "I like you, too!" [back to normal voice] ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.
Dewey: [smiling] Not me.
Hal: Well, ask your brothers.
[Malcolm & Reese give disgusted looks]
Hal: If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"

(Malcolm enters the front door panting)
Lois: What's wrong?
Malcolm: Some crazy new girl from school actually followed me home.
Lois: Really? Is she cute? Is this what this whole boxers shorts thing is all about. (approaches the door and looks through the peephole)
Malcolm: Mom, please don't.
(Lois sees Cynthia through the peephole and opens the door)
Cynthia: Hi!

(Barbara & Tom are watching Hal fight Jack while Lois tries to stop them)
Barbara: Oh, for God's sake, Tom. Do something!
Tom: I'll refill your drink.
Barbara: Okay.

Bully 1: Are you calling me a liar?
[Dewey hits the first bully with the purse. The second one is hit as well. The other two dodges it and then the four are sent running. Soon Reese is impressed when Dewey reveals the brick and tosses it on the ground.]
Reese: Nice.

(Dewey walks up to the police car)
Lois: Dewey, it's going to okay. Mommy is...
Dewey: Can you turn on the siren?
Cop: Sure. (turns it on)
Dewey: Yeah! [imitates siren]

(As Mrs. Griffin starts complaining about other types of people)
Malcolm: (to the camera) I can't believe how horrible she is. I'm just gonna ignore her. (turns around and keeps hearing her complain more, then sees a loose blouse hanging as he looks over and sees Mrs. Griffin's robe open; Malcolm is shocked)

(Lois gets up and leaves; Craig is shocked)
Robber #1 [to Craig]: Whoa, chubs, you got busted.
(Craig rises; Robber #1 is afraid, gets back, and goes to his partner; the two look at him)
Craig: You want this?! You want this safe?! You want this stupid-stupid-stupid safe?! (he lifts it up; the robbers are shocked) Here's your stupid safe!!!!
(The robbers get out of the way and the safe hits the floor and breaks open)
Robber #1: Cool.
(Robber #2 grabs the pack of money and the two take off)
Lois: My God! Craig, are you alright?
Craig: I felt something rip, and if it wasn't my pants, it was inside me.

(After being caught joyriding by Lois, all the Krelboynes leave except for Malcolm & Stevie)
Malcolm: Need some help, Stevie?
Stevie: Pop... the trunk.

Cadet Finley: I can't take this anymore. If I don't eat, I'm gonna pass out!
Cadet Drew: Yeah.
Cadet Finley: Who are you?
Cadet Drew: I'm your roomate.

[After finding out Francis escaped]
Malcolm: Mom, I think he's okay. [Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.
Hal: What do you mean?
Malcolm: I mean, he's always okay.
Hal: Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...
Lois: Oh, for God's sake. [to Malcolm] WHERE IS HE!!!
Malcolm: He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to the camera] Oh my God, how did she do that?
Lois: I knew it. When did you talk to him?
Malcolm: Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... [Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her] This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

Malcolm: I think is time to move to plan B: lying.
[Scene switches to the kitchen]
Lois: What book report?
Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. [to the camera] Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
Lois: So what's the report on?
Malcolm: [[A Tale of Two Cities].
Lois: Oh, how many words?
Malcolm: 750.
Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?
Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.
Lois: When did you get that?
Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. [to the camera] Oh, nice one.
Lois: Well, I suppose that if it's school work.
Malcolm: [to the camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
Lois: A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
Malcolm: That's Les Miserables.
Lois: No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, better thing I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?
Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.
Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
Malcolm: What? No, I said I hadn't written it.
Lois: And when is it due?
Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.
Lois: On Les Miserables?
Malcolm: Yes. No. A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Which you haven't read yet.
Malcolm: Right.
Lois: But you just said you did.
Malcolm: No. I-I said I didn't... and then you said... it was Thursday, and... [shouting angrily] Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral!